Kevin Allison's True Stories: What I Did For Cash
A comedy article
by Kevin Allison  809  5
07/15/2009 12:26 PM 926 views
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So I'm 22, drunk, penniless and in a hustler bar in New York. I'd decided to whore myself for the rent.
It was like My Own Private Idaho ... in New York.
There was this guy smiling. Or smirking. Wall Street type. Maybe late-forties.
"Be a smooth operator," I told myself, wincing at the cliche, and sloshed some beer down my shirt.
I could see he was drunk too. So we had something in common.
His name was Nick. He spoke in a rushed, gruff tone.
"What are you, brand new?"
"Yeah," I said. "First time!"
He snickered.
"Christ, you're not supposed to admit it! Look kid, I'm in a rush, I wanna do this."
I guess I nodded. Nick wasn't slick. He just came off like a bonehead trying to seem that way.
"I'm not gonna bullShakespeare ya. I'm strapped for time -- gotta budget. Let's take a cab to my place, do a half session for 75."
My friend Ray had taught me the "Seven Laws of Successful Whoring." Nowhere in the rules was there mention of "half-sessions" or "75." At that rate, I'd have to hit that bar seven more times.
Nick pushed me outside. I felt like I was watching myself at the movies. The yo-yo in the horror flick people yell at from their seats.
Getting in the cab, I wanted clarity. What are my terms? What are my terms for this transaction? "Swee-tey Phone Home." That was Ray's rule that I call a friend before leaving to say where I was going. Too late. Now all I knew was that I was probably breaking more rules than I could recall. And struggling to wrangle my seatbelt around me.
Nick gave the driver an address ... and yanked at my fly.
"Wait, what's going on?" I said.
"What do you think?"
"Now?! I want to talk terms first!"
"Terms? We did!"
"Well, where's the 75?"
"I'll get it at my place."
Now I remembered Ray's rule "Money Before Honey." I could cross that off the list. The word "hustler" fit Nick better than me. He got my belt open.
"Get your dong out," he said.
I laughed. The only "dong" I'd ever heard of was a Filipino in the 5th grade. That Dong had shown me his dad's Playboys. "Does your mom have any magazines?" I asked.
"You're laughing at me?!" Nick said. He was pulling my jeans off my hips. We were pretty much playing Twister.
The driver was an Indian with the expression of a bored elephant. He glanced back like he was thinking, Oh, this. The de-pantsing thing.
"Wait!" I said. "The terms!"
"What's is it with you and terms?"
"Well, where are we going?"
"South! You read street signs? Get it hard!"
My mom would have told Nick he talked like a truck driver. We bounced over potholes. He was struggling with his seatbelt too and looked like he was bobbing for apples trying to stuff his face in my crotch. He saw me cringe.
"You're supposed to act like you like this," he said. "Put it in my mouth!"
It was out now. I was dick out in a cab.
"Not. In. The. Car. Sir!"
"Not. In. The. Car. Sir! Shut up and put your dick in my mouth!"
The cabbie checked the rearview. Yep. The old shut up/dick in mouth exchange.
Kind of like this, but with more dong.
Now we weren't finishing sentences. We were having the closest thing to a professional wrestling match you can have in a speeding car.
"Godda--!"
"What the f--?!"
"You assho--"
"Shut your fa--"
"Frost y--"
It was chaos.
Then there was Waverly Street. I was home. This was stupid. So what if I wasn't cut out for hustling? I didn't want to be. I was zipping my fly.
"Driver! Let me out!" I yelled. He lurched to the curb. He was expecting this too.
Nick was floored.
"What are you thinking?"
Yeah, I thought, where is my sense of decorum?
"You're not doing this!" he said.
But I was. I threw the door open, jumped out and felt my feet on 6th Avenue.
Now I felt power. I wanted to do something to this guy. I thought, I'm going to really embarrass him.
I screamed as loud as I could, "YOU WANNA SUCK MY DICK YOU CAN PAY FOR IT FIRST!" I slammed the door and the car flew off.
Catching my breath, I realized I hadn't embarrassed him. He was in a car. I looked around to see three dozen people staring at me.
Like this, but less expressionist.
I walked home thinking how Nick was right. I was supposed to be acting like I liked it. Of course, I like acting for laughs. And I'm glad other guys like hustling. But for me, that particular brand of acting felt too strategic. Flirtation on the level of Monopoly or Risk. For me, it was a hoax.
I knew some of those folks staring at me on 6th Avenue were thinking, "What a mess." But maybe ... maybe there was one person back there thinking, "Now there's a guy who knows his terms."
Do you have a "What I Did for Cash" story -- bad odd jobs or dares for money? Submit it as a ZUG Article and title it "What I Did for Cash: _____________." You might be invited to contribute to my upcoming podcast of dangerous stories, daringly told called RISK! The first season of RISK! will include Mike Birbiglia, Marc Maron, Michael Ian Black, Chuck Klosterman, Margaret Cho, Michael Showalter, Kristen Schaal, Rob Sheffield, David Wain, Janeane Garofalo, Keith Powell, Lynne Koplitz, Rachel Dratch and more. Click here to submit your story!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
19 votes
3.9
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
07/15/2009 12:28 PM
Awesome. My favorite Kevin Allison story so far.
Remind me never to become a male prostitute, by the way.
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.1
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Hairy Nipples 2,207 7
07/15/2009 01:29 PM
Man.. this Kevin fellow sounds like a real homosexual.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Chix is in da house 286,617 61
07/15/2009 01:44 PM
John's not into pocket change.
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Funny
9 votes
3.3
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/15/2009 03:17 PM
Wait. Gay guys will pay $75 to suck a dick? Being gay is weirder than I thought.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.0
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Anna Garcia 85 4
07/15/2009 04:47 PM
Julia Roberts watch out there's a new beeoch in town!
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0 votes
0.0
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Mr Crabs 305 7
07/16/2009 10:11 AM
All that to say that you shocked a bunch of innocent bystanders? I don't get it?
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/16/2009 10:12 AM
You don't seem to get much, Mr. Crabs. Maybe you should trade your ZuG account for a subscription to Highlights, or Boy's Life.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
07/16/2009 10:25 AM
You don't seem to get much, Mr. Crabs. Maybe you should trade your ZuG account for a subscription to Highlights, or Boy's Life.
Zoobooks maybe.
More pictures, fewer of those irritating 'word' things.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/16/2009 10:26 AM
Dude, if you're going to piggyback me, at least show a little love.
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0 votes
0.0
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Mr Crabs 305 7
07/16/2009 10:34 AM
Sorry, I thought Zug was supposed to have something to do with comedy. My mistake.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
07/16/2009 10:39 AM
Sorry, I thought Zug was supposed to have something to do with comedy. My mistake
Well, at least we know you weren't lying about the I don't get it? part
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.6
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/16/2009 02:54 PM
Crabs, Kevin Allison has been here about two months and has contributed at least a half dozen good articles, garnered 375 ZuGz, and undoubtedly brought a load of new traffic to the site (thank you, Kevin).
You've been here at least six months, maybe a year, and have yet to write an article. You have a whopping 25 ZuGz, and my guess would be that if you've brought anyone here, maybe you told a friend or two about the site (though I doubt even that because you continually profess how unfunny we are). So if we're so bad, why aren't you showing us how it's done? Or why don't you just SHUT THE Frost UP OR GET THE Frost OUT!
Love ya!
Professor McNeill
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
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Miss Trixxie 65,026 15
07/16/2009 03:20 PM
"Wait. Gay guys will pay $75 to suck a dick?"
Um, No. For $75 I'm chaining you to the toilet and doing things to you the Spanish Inquisition would be ashamed of.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Discombobulated 4,322 8
07/16/2009 03:33 PM
Um, No. For $75 $5 same as in town, I'm chaining you to the toilet and doing things to you the Spanish Inquisition would be ashamed of.
fixed.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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NY Nick 35,891 35 Licks his lips, winks and backs out of the thread slowly
07/16/2009 04:02 PM
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Mr Crabs 305 7
07/17/2009 09:48 AM
You're right Whistler. It's sometimes too easy to be critical without accountability. My sincere apologies Kevin et al.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/17/2009 09:55 AM
I'm right?
I'm going to print out copies of that post and send them out as Christmas cards this year. Or at least frame a few and hang them in my kids' rooms.
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Jeff Haynes 631 4
07/17/2009 12:33 PM
I was dick out in a cab.
I heard that's how they do it in NASCAR, too.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Miss Trixxie 65,026 15
07/17/2009 12:55 PM
Oh okay Discombobulated I guess I can give you the GAB Folks discount. But have the $5.00 in hand when I come over.
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0 votes
0.0
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Red Rover, Bend Over 0 3
07/17/2009 07:44 PM
Holy Shakespeare, you think it's bad now, what do you think will happen when you meet that guy again? You'll probably be Frosted then, I guess. Also, that's a bit of an overcharge, don't you think? $75 for a blowjob? If I was a hooker, I would take it up the butt for a half hour while going to town for $75.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ali_Legend 844 7
07/19/2009 11:05 AM
This weirded me out.
I'm too speechless to say something funny (in before ''what's the change then?'').
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
07/19/2009 11:25 AM
If I was a hooker, I would take it up the butt for a half hour while going to town for $75.
I'm not sure if you're a guy or a girl, but email in profile.
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0 votes
0.0
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The ARRH! in Diarrhea 1,071 8
07/19/2009 12:57 PM
Dude, if you're going to piggyback me, at least show a little love
Aw, c'mon Whistler! The comedy's in the piggyback; the love is in the reacharound.
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0 votes
0.0
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RedRage187 153 7
07/19/2009 01:26 PM
Wow! I'm almost at a loss for words, mostly because I'm laughing to hard. Thank you for allowing us to laugh at your expense.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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pertings 14 4
07/19/2009 03:00 PM
Cool! I like stories with heart and a moral, that you can masturbate to.
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