Hairy Nipples 2,207 7
07/15/2009 02:48 PM

I haven't even read the entire intro yet and I already had to give clickies for "David Caradine".

Hairy Nipples 2,207 7
07/15/2009 02:56 PM

A chick I used to get my uh... "purchases" from worked at Chick-Fil-A in the mall and while she was working the sample table out front she used to serve me my... "marijuana" in the little cups they put the dipping sauce for the samples in. Getting weed in front of 1,000 people is my definition of awkward.

What's Goin' Anh? 11,158 14
07/15/2009 03:00 PM

July 4, 2009... my friend and I had just left the bar and were bored and desperate, so we drove around asking black people at random 7-11 stores if they had weed. The closest that we came to getting any was when I yelled "You got weed?!" out the window while we were driving, and I think the guy might have yelled yes, but we couldn't turn around.

Hairy Nipples 2,207 7
07/15/2009 03:03 PM

That was probably the only time you've ever been to a 7-11 without a black man offering you weed. I used to think "I got that purp." was a new greeting in their culture.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/15/2009 03:04 PM

That was awesome! Here's mine:


Many years ago, I had occasion to be in the homophonically named town of Canton, New York. In need of some chemical accellerant, I found a local who told me he could bring me to a supplier. After a brief car ride, we pulled into a motor court style of motel which had been converted to SRO residences.

"One thing before we go in," said my companion, "They're really disgusting. Just breathe through your mouth and look them in the eyes."

I should have called the whole thing off right then, but there was no way of knowing just how weird it would be.

Inside, the room was dark, and devoid of all furnishings except for two bare queen-sized mattresses, a small television set and an Atari game console. The place was filthy, with mud tracked across the carpet and the remnants of fast food meals piled all over the place. Seated one on each mattress was a pair of what looked like identical twin males, probably in their early twenties, and each one weighing at least 500 pounds.

The stench was a combination of b.o., vomit, bong water and urine.

Oh, I almost forgot: both of these behemoths were completely naked.

I don't know how things go now, but back in the '70's, in rural or suburban areas, it was common for buyers and sellers to share a taste of something before the deal was concluded. I think the theory was that if everyone sampled, you could be sure no one was a "narc".

In what was probably the most uncomfortable half hour of my life, I sat on the floor between these two guys and tried to casually shoot the breeze while doing a couple of bong hits and avoiding looking at what might be revealed if their panniculuses (panniculi?) shifted position too much.

Whatever the amount money that went for those drugs, it was nothing compared to the cost of the piece of my soul I lost during that little visit.

Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
07/15/2009 03:13 PM

The craziest I ever got in a deal was the time I went to pick up some serious energizing substances back in the day, found out the person I was purchasing from was a female who happened to be very attractive and ended up dating her for about 3 months for free stuff.

So I guess technically I've whored myself out for drugs.

God she was hot though

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
07/15/2009 05:41 PM

The first time my house got raided I had 15 people in my house. 3 asleep on my couches, 3 in one of the bedrooms having sex, 7 in my bedroom smoking dope and then there was me and a friend of mine playing steel tipped darts in the hallway.

By the way, cops love it when you have sharp objects in your hands while they're trying to arrest you.

Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
07/15/2009 07:08 PM

I had just wrapped up making a purchase once when my connection's mom stormed into her bedroom, livid at what was going on because, apparently, they had talked about this several times before.

I tried to excuse myself to let them duke it out, but mom blocked my path and told me to sit on the bed and listen to what she had to say. What followed was a 40-minute diatribe about how drugs and alcohol had led my dealer's dad to suicide and wrecked their family. She went on about her own battles with prostituting for drugs. She took the pot with the intention of throwing it away.

I reached into my pockets figuring I was now out $50, but the mom stopped me.

"I can't take yours; you already paid good money for it."

Major Inconvenience 115 7
07/15/2009 10:00 PM

My friend was coming over and he had some pot. He knocked on the door and I got it and let him in and took him to my room. My parents had ordered chinese food about a half hour ago. I was in my room with my friend and my dad walked right when he was giving me the weed. I was grounded for 2 weeks.

Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
07/16/2009 07:06 AM

My friend was coming over and he had some pot. He knocked on the door and I got it and let him in and took him to my room. My parents had ordered chinese food about a half hour ago. I was in my room with my friend and my dad walked right when he was giving me the weed. I was grounded for 2 weeks.

At least in my not-funny story I got laid.

You gotta start making stuff up about your crappy, boring life.

Chix is in da house 286,617 61
07/16/2009 07:49 AM

Nassau

Purchase agreed upon at the bar, then proceeded in bathroom.

Other guy at bar steps in and pulls a gun. "Police, mon. Can't let dis go down so obviously".

After I completely Shakespeare myself and saw the rest of my life spent under a Bahamian jail, the dealer explained Barney Washington Fife just wanted his cut.

Make my Ravos grow! 63,472 21
07/16/2009 08:13 AM

A gay guy I who went to the same highschool got fired from a Tim Horton's for dealing over the counter.

Another guy I went to highschool with who worked at a Harvey's had given his 2 weeks, and on his second last shift, rolled a joint in the break room. The boss came in and fired him after he had already quit.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
07/16/2009 09:55 AM

I had a dealer once named Donna. She would come over to the house and front me large quantities dope, so I could sell it and make enough money to support my habit.

Once she came over to the house drunk off her ass to bring me my stash. She was very wasted and couldn't remember where she had put my bag. After looking for it for about 30 minutes, tearing her car apart, she said to me, "Oh, I remember!"

She then proceeded to drop her pants right in front of me, stick her whole hand up into her vajayjay and pulled out my sack. Boy that was some good dope.

Anna Garcia 85 4
07/16/2009 10:00 AM

To get the purest Shakespeare on earth there is a place in New York City called Depot, it's a bar but an undercover spot for whatever you want it's by invite only it's on the top of the 42nd floor of a building, that you must skydive onto, then you slide down a metal slide for about 20 feet, do twelve push ups, hop on one foot for about a min then you flash a body part to a guard and poof your in. They have the best of the best in town! It's amazing to me what people will do for an illegal substance.

Unknown Duck 530 6
07/16/2009 07:44 PM

It's amazing to me what people will do for an illegal substance.

I just walk into my closet, or if I happen to be outside, the forest...but then again I live in Cannabis Cup winning Canada

Major Inconvenience 115 7
07/16/2009 09:41 PM

You gotta start making stuff up about your crappy, boring life.

Okay.

One beautiful morning I got out of bed and decided to take a walk. A magical lepruchan took me across a rainbow and into his pot o' gold. I dove head first and found myself in a large warehouse. The lepruchan asked me if I wanted to buy and angel dust. I said "no thank you." and tried to leave. The lepruchan told me he would masturbate on my forehead if I didn't buy any angel dust from him. I decided to try and buy some so he wouldn't masturbate on my forehead. I took out my wallet and all I had was a 20. He said that he couldn't sell that little and took out his little dick and masturbated on my forehead. I some got in my nose and I got AIDS

Lobsta (feat. will.i.am & Fergie) 18,570 33
07/16/2009 09:49 PM

My dealer was a Navy doctor named Foster. Man, I loved him.

One day, when my 30-day supply of Percoset ran out after only 2 weeks, I went in to see Dr. Foster to get a refill. While I was waiting for him to come see me a nurse walked in, gave me a gown, and told me to undress completely, out the gown on, opening in front, as the doctor would be in soon. This was not normal for my visits with Dr. Foster, and I assumed he was going to check my knee to see if there was any change in it. Why I had to get naked for this, I didn't know, but Dr. Foster looked a lot like Dean Cain so I didn't mind.


Flippin HOT

So, 10 minutes later, I'm sitting in the room on the exam table, my cleavage showing, and in pops Dr. Foster. He gave a startled look and walked back out. The nurse came in and apologized, told me to get dressed again, and said that that gown was meant for the person next door to me getting a "Ladies Physical". (Her words, not mine.)

I get dressed, Dr. Foster checks me out, writes me a 90 day script, and sends meon my way. He still looked utterly embarrassed the next time I had to come in to see him.

Strangely Cromulent Bikini 62,262 18
07/17/2009 11:47 AM

A gay guy I who went to the same highschool got fired from a Tim Horton's for dealing over the counter.


Dang, that's only the second time I've heard of someone actually getting fired from Tim Horton's. I almost didn't think it was possible.

I worked with a girl who got stealing cold chicken & apple juice from the fridge, uncooked doughnuts from the freezer, and money from the tills and even she didn't get fired. Until they caught her taking from the tip cups. . . that's just crossing a line.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/17/2009 09:35 PM

I bet Dr. Foster looked like Dean Cain the way Lobster looks like Lynda Carter.

Millie 116,988 28
07/17/2009 10:40 PM

I didn't usually have to go out of my home to buy drugs, since my twin brother sold them through our teen years.

But other times I would buy them from a tiny French-Canadian great-grandmother who was in her 80s and lived behind a variety store that she owned. Everyone called her Meme.

Looking back, it's kind of sad that she had to supplement her income by dealing drugs. Then again, she was selling to children like me so she was pretty morally corrupt anyway and I probably shouldn't waste any sympathy on her.

Chance, its whats for dinner! 171,275 14
07/17/2009 11:53 PM

You ever sucked dick for crack? THEN DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT ADDICTIONS....wait, I havent either but crack is whack yo.

Strangely Cromulent Bikini 62,262 18
07/18/2009 05:29 AM

I didn't usually have to go out of my home to buy drugs, since my twin brother sold them through our teen years.


This is the situation I currently find myself in, although it's not a twin brother, just a friend's flatmate. It really is all too convenient; pretty much every evening ends with everyone crowded in the front room, ineptly avoiding Hunter's Law (why does everyone always roll at the same time?), watching QI or Spaced, and talking about how to start jogging without looking like an utter twat.


In high school, I had no exciting drug-obtainment moments either. My friend's dad had a prescription to grow his own medicinal marijuana (this is back in Canadia) and their house was a constant hot box. Finding drugs was never a problem.

Chix is in da house 286,617 61
07/18/2009 10:38 AM

Lobster, I think I found your doctor and his partnerhttp://www.drsfostersmith.com.

Crash Test Dummy 3,671 9
07/19/2009 09:55 AM

Back in my early 20's, a friend of mine had rented an apartment for the specific purpose of dealing dope. His specialty was pot, coke and mushrooms. On one occasion, he asked me to give him a hand as one of his "clerks" that tended to the business could not make it, and he hadn't been able to find a replacement. Since he offered to pay me 1 ounce of pot for 6 hours of "work" (which really consisted in asking whoever the doorman let in what he/she wanted and then making the money/merchandise exchange), I readily accepted.

I had been there for about two hours, watching TV, discussing with the doorman, dealing dope and of course, smoking a couple of joints, when the doorman let a guy in who walks up to me, looks at me for about ten seconds with a questioning frown, and then, with a look of pure terror spreading across his face, dashes for the door without purchasing anything.

My first reaction was to get up and look behind me just to make sure there wasn't a SWAT team crawling up on the balcony, but then realization hit me: THAT GUY WAS THE CHIEF OF SECURITY AT THE COLLEGE I WAS ATTENDING!!! THE SAME mother-FrostER WHO HAD THREATHENED TO HAVE ME AND MY BUDDIES ARRESTED FOR SMOKING POT ON THE COLLEGE'S LAWN!!!

Needless to say, from that day on until I left college, I openly smoked pot on the lawn without ever being bothered by security, and became some kind of authority defying rebel figure to my friends, to whom I intentionally did not relate the anecdote.

The ARRH! in Diarrhea 1,071 8
07/19/2009 01:49 PM

The restaurant where I washed dishes in high school got bought out, and the fat Frost who bought it thought he was God's gift to the Greek orthodox fusion dining world. Shortly after he sucked the soul out of the place, he came up to one of the night managers (Bob) and told him that he had hired a new busboy as a favor to the kid's family so that he could straighten up and stay away from pot. Mostly, I think, he had the manager do it because the caloric expenditure of lifting a finger himself might put him under the throwback limit for harpooning season.

On the kid's first night, Bob sat him down at the break table and gave him a long, empathetic talk about staying straight. "I know how hard it is, and one of my responsibilities is to make it easier for you to get off of drugs. I have something that can help with that. This," he pulls out a spliff and a lighter, "is Guatemala gold." He and Bob prebaked pretty much every shift they worked, with Fat Frost thinking he'd done the world a favor. A big, fat, Frost-ing favor.