Twits of the Week: Levar Burton! Karl Rove! Hannah Montana's Mom!
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,000  13
07/16/2009 02:44 PM 1035 views
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It's time for ZUG's Twit of the Week, our weekly column skewering celebrities and the brain-spam that they put out on Twitter. We dig through the trash heap to present you, dear reader, with only the choicest slightly-moist nuggets.
Levar Burton (Levarburton)
Woke up feeling like I waShakespeare by a car. Oh wait, I was..Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers & good wishes! http://twitpic.com/ad54g about 5 hours ago from TweetDeck
Wait ... who?
He was the star of the culturally-groundbreaking and Emmy-nominated Roots (I believe he's credited as "Toby," but there seems to be some disagreement there) as well as the host for PBS's afterschool edutainment hit Reading Rainbow. But c'mon. You know in your heart he'll forever have that silly hair clip over his eyes as Geordi La Forge, Chief Engineer on Star Trek: The Next Generation and its multiple box office failures incarnations.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Oh Levar, you poor guy. That sucks about the accident and all, but I guess the bigger pain is that you couldn't even get a publicist to mention "Levar Burton struck by vehicle" to even the local news. I completely understand the urge to get any press you can, but tweeting the calamities of your life just smacks of a Kirstie Alley-ish desperation. You're better than that, Geordi. Now get back there and vent some anti-matter reactive plasma protons or something.
Mark Knoller (markknoller)
WH says Obama will be wearing a Chicago White Sox cap and jacket tonight in throwing the ceremonial 1st pitch at All Star Game. about 3 hours ago from TwitterMail
Wait ... who?
You might not recognize the name, but you've probably seen his work. Knoller is the White House Correspondent for CBS News, and he's been rocking that gig since George Bush the First. He's a highly-decorated reporter with numerous awards and professional recognitions for blah blah blah the point is he looks like the creepy neighbor with the house your parents told you never to go into.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Is this the sort of hard-hitting journalism that wins you a Merriman Smith Award? The President is going to wear a White Sox jacket? To a baseball game, eh? Absolutely fascinating, Mark Knoller. Thank you. I can't wait until he can break the expose on whether or not Obama matches his socks with his shoes or his pants (a gentleman always matches the pants). If you're trying to land that gig at Style Network you're going to need a bigger scoop than that, Knoller. Something like, "President Obama says, 'Frost it,' shows up for talks with Russia in wife beater."
Solange Knowles (solangeknowles)
color top ball green bottom ball yellow middle red. Then color toys to show top middle and bottom then use the same colors u used for ball. 2 minutes ago from TweetDeck
Wait ... who?
She's Beyonce's younger sister. She's the OTHER actress/singer/songwriter/dancer/model in the Knowles family. The one not getting any press. For the record, she "dismisses" comparisons to her sister, and says they're "artistically different." Not different enough that she didn't get started piggybacking on Destiny's Child songs as a backup singer, though.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I really don't even have much to make fun of here, because I'm pretty sure Solange just had a stroke at the keyboard. Either that or she's translating sign language from Koko the gorilla. Seriously, what the hell is that even about? This makes me feel like maybe Solange is clued in to a new level of hallucinogens I've yet to try and I'm extremely jealous. And scared.
Karl Rove (KarlRove)
Leaving for the airport. Everyone in my office has a Snuggie on b/c the office is cold. So weird and creepy. about 12 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
He was the Senior Advisor and Deputy Chief of Staff to George W. Bush, until a tiny little incident involving him leaking the identity of a CIA operative. And that small business about dismissing judges who didn't fit the political agenda of the administration. And accidentally sending over 500 governmental emails to a parody site through his BlackBerry. Other than that he was spot on, and has parlayed ruining freedom in America into a regular talking head gig on various cable news shows.
Why are you tweeting that?!
If you don't know what a Snuggie is, it combines the warmth of a blanket with the accessibility of a shirt, which is perfect for people too retarded to get up and put on a goddamn sweater. It's an internet meme of its own as the butt of several jokes, but you really have to stop and think about what it takes to make Karl Rove think you're creepy. What's a Snuggie really stand for? It's all about the blissful freedom of looking like a moron in your own home, but it's also something designed to bring you warmth and comfort. Think about it: warmth and comfort creep Karl Rove out.
And the ZUG.com Twit of the Week is...
Tish Cyrus (mommytish)
I think Michael Jackson is finally at peace. Something he probably hasnt felt for 40 years. Hes finally free and being loved unconditionally 5:08 PM Jun 27th from web
Wait ... who?
She's not only got a vagina/portal to hell that spawned Miley Cyrus, but she actually procreated with Billy Ray Cyrus. "Achy Breaky Heart" spread her like peanut butter and gave us one of the most cloyingly obnoxious marketing gimmicks known to man: Hannah Montana. Naturally Tish decided she'd make a pretty good lamprey manager and now skis behind Miley on coattails only a mother could love.
Why are you tweeting that?!
First of all, I'm not sure how much unconditional love Satan dishes out; unless by "unconditional love" you mean "rectally-administered pineapples." Second, it's well-documented that Michael Jackson was emotionally scarred and withdrew instinctively from the exposure and fame he achieved due to extreme anxiety. He suffered a horrifically traumatic childhood at the hands of his father, who pushed the entire Jackson family relentlessly into music to chase the fame he craved so desperately. JUST LIKE YOU ARE DOING TO YOUR DAUGHTER, TISH. Irony, apparently, is just outside the grasp of the Cyrus clan.
Got a celebrity you think might be Twit of the Week material? Post it below. And don't forget to follow ZUG on Twitter!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
22 votes
4.1
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13 Comments on "Twits of the Week: Levar Burton! Karl Rove! Hannah Montana's Mom!"
(Funniest: Thud,4LQV,MungChamp) |
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
07/16/2009 02:48 PM
"I'm pretty sure Solange just had a stroke at the keyboard."
Now THAT's comedy!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Make my Ravos grow! 62,361 20
07/16/2009 02:52 PM
Irony, apparently, is just outside the grasp of the Cyrus clan.
And this is surprising?
5 orbs for the lamprey comment.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Discombobulated 4,322 8
07/16/2009 03:06 PM
warmth and comfort creep Karl Rove out.
If Dick Cheney is Darth Vader Karl Rove is definately Sidious
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Side-splitting
6 votes
5.0
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MungChamp 35,886 35
07/16/2009 03:08 PM
I put in "funny + colored + balls" to see if I could figure out what Solange was up to, but Google sent back pictures of Levar Burton's nutsack.
Geordi just can't catch a break.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Clean Shaven Nipples 2,207 7
07/16/2009 03:38 PM
Seeing good ole Kunta Kinte up there reminds me of a series of flash cartoons.
Reading Rainbow
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Thud 66,695 17
07/16/2009 05:57 PM
Once again, well done sir. Gotta love the Koko reference.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1832978
4LQV 10 3
07/17/2009 12:13 PM
I clicked a link on Maddox's site I think and that's how I found this site a couple weeks ago. I think the Twits of the Week segment is brilliant. Combine a stupid concept like Twitter with stupid people like celebrities, and presto! Hilarity must ensue.
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0 votes
0.0
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
07/18/2009 09:33 AM
Thanks 4LQV!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
07/18/2009 09:46 AM
Listen Randall, his name is MC Rove. Show some respect.
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0 votes
0.0
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
07/18/2009 10:02 AM
I can't decide if my soul hurts more from the dancing or the fact that a nuclear bomb didn't hit that theatre that night.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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BurningKrome 2 3
07/19/2009 03:21 PM
Karl Rove! What a fascist dick cheese!
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0 votes
0.0
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william Pinto 0 3
08/04/2009 04:30 AM
hiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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0 votes
0.0
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Azeroth Exile 129 4
08/04/2009 07:29 AM
(I believe he's credited as "Toby," but there seems to be some disagreement there)
That was an amazingly funny line.
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