My left testicle and me. A varicocele story - Part 1
A comedy article
by Maruti Driver  360  10
07/23/2009 12:03 AM 1465 views
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(Before you condemn me for my poor grammar or lack of vocabulary, keep in mind english is my second language.)
We men all know the family jewels are quite the fragile part of our anatomy. Just remember the last time you got hit on the nads and you will certainly just remember pain, and probably some other person laughing at you.
But hey, it doesn't happen all the time, our little friends usually dangle happily without giving us any trouble. So when you start having pain on a nut for no reason, you get worried. At least I did.
It started as a slight discomfort. You know, like when you sit in a way you feel you need to reposition your legs because you feel you're kind of squashing your little buddies. Then, a couple days ago, the pain came, constant pain, that Shakespearety pain that keeps you awake at night and makes you walk in a funny way.
So I did what any respectable man would've done: Nothing. But after a solid pain filled week, I decided to go see a doctor.
This doctor, a urologist, quickly suspected what my problem was after the typical doctor questions, and after scribbling in his notepad with that damn handwritting doctors have, asked me to drop my pants and my boxers, and proceded to glove up.
I have to admit, this was the first time in 6 years that someone other than my wife had touched my balls, made me wish I had made an appointment with a female doctor.
So there he was, feeling my balls with with his hand making that "I should have been an oncologist" face, while looking at the ceiling all the time, and after a while he pronounced his diagnosis:
"You most defenetly have varicocele" he said.
I have to admit, to me varicocele sounded like some country or city on the ex USSR, but I had to ask: "varico-quf© (what?)?"
And then he proceded to jump onto a blank page on his notebook, after telling me to pull up my pants, and started to make a sketch of what I thought was a sprouting bean, but he told me it was a testicle, and started explaining that the pressure on the blablablah vein and this thing and what-else-have-you made varicose veins on the testicle.
"varices?" I said. "Like my grandma's legs? Damn!". He just rolled his eyes and nodded, then continued explaining stuff but my mind was busy thinking "My testicle is like old ladies legs!" and then I heard the word "surgery", which brought me back to earth. So I have to be operated on, I said, thinking it woudln't be that bad to have a bunch of people developing sudden interest on my scrotum, so I said, ok, what now? And then came one of the things some doctors do I hate the most:
He starts with the damn plural: "We'll need to have these tests done" and scribbles a crapload of acronyms on a prescription. "We'll also need a testicular ecography" he says, and meanwhile I sit there nodding like an idiot with a sore testicle, wondering why he uses the damn plural, when the one who will get blood drawn and testicles ecographed'ed will be me and me alone. I also use this time to feel relieved that the goverment would cover almost 40% of the expenses, because our healthcare system doesn't suck that hard.
So, skipping ahead to the interesting parts, have you ever had a testicular ecography ever? It is strange. Really. You get a "grab your penis and pull it upward" order, then you get your balls liberaly covered with that gel they use, and then the technician puts the probe on your balls, moves it around, squashing the sore ball in the process, while staring at a screen and clicking a button with his other hand when he finds something interesting.
Anyway, results in hand I went to see the ball groping doctor again, and he told me to go to the clinic to get a surgery appoinment. So I did. I'll be at the operating theatre this 23rd at 18:30 hours, getting my nut varicocele free.
I'll be telling you about the hospital stay, what it feels like and anything interesting stuff that happens on friday, I guess, because I've been told I'd need only one day of stay in hospital, which is good, because the food in hospitals suck.
One last thing, if anyone has any experience with hospitals: Do you think it would be possible to convince someone to the operating theatre to take along my camera? I mean, writting about getting a testicle outside to get it fixed is one thing, but having video or photos about it would be even more interesting.
Stay tuned for part two. And wish me luck.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
17 votes
4.6
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Funny
8 votes
3.9
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Chit 178,781  15
07/23/2009 12:15 AM
I'd give my left nut to watch that Shakespeare!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
07/23/2009 01:02 AM
I really like this story.
Very funny Chit!
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0 votes
0.0
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Mr. Anderson 0 3
07/23/2009 01:14 AM
Not first!
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
07/23/2009 08:01 AM
I thought that was a great story. I bet John will be linking it to the homepage. He loves him some real life comedy.
P.S. Don't die in surgery, I want to read the second part.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,597 32
07/23/2009 08:04 AM
It was moderately funny, but I gave ya five because, Holy Shakespeare, Man! They're gonna be stabbing sharp stuff into your nut. Sonofabitch.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Chix is in da house 286,617 61
07/23/2009 08:11 AM
Are your nuts gonna be on a billboard?
"Get rid of those vericose veins! Have the nuts of a 18 year old, not like the nasty scrote of this guy."
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0 votes
0.0
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Discombobulated 4,322 8
07/23/2009 08:27 AM
I gave you a 5 becuase I uncomfortably crossed and uncrossed my legs 5 times while reading this.
Also if you loose a nut I vote for the nickname "Hans"
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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UnderWhere? 101,398 77
07/23/2009 08:36 AM
I've never punched a guy in the nuts, but I really, really want to do it someday. Thank you for reminding me of this dream.
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0 votes
0.0
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Space Food Nipples 2,207 7
07/23/2009 09:39 AM
I've never punched a guy in the nuts, but I really, really want to do it someday.
Don't you ever say that.
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0 votes
0.0
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FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
07/23/2009 09:40 AM
I've never punched a guy in the nuts, but I really, really want to do it someday. Thank you for reminding me of this dream.
I think we should do a combined effort.
You take left testicle, I'll take right.
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.8
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MungChamp 35,891 35
07/23/2009 09:54 AM
On the plus side, if you happen to lose a nut in the process you still may be able to win the Tour de France!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
07/23/2009 12:07 PM
First off, hilarious story. Painful, but hilarious.
I'd love to feature it from the homepage, but we need Part 2!
In regards to that, you CAN sometimes take a camera into the operating theatre if you ask nicely. On our old Webshow "Computer Stew," I was able to film my ass surgery, and it was disgustingly funny. You may also be able to just have them snap a few digital photos. Who doesn't want to see what their balls look like when removed from their protective sac?
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Maruti Driver 360 10
07/23/2009 02:09 PM
The only thing that will stop me from doing part two is dying, which I really hope doesn't happen.
This is my last post until friday, when I hope to be back with more juicy bits (now that doesn't sound right) to tell and entertain.
Now I'm going to pack the essential stuff (PSP, iPod) and haul my ass to the clinic. Gotta be there at 16:30 and I will meet the scalpel two hours from that.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ditdah 123,110 14
07/23/2009 04:14 PM
Holy crap... I was laughing and wincing at the same time, and I'm a girl.
Kudos to you, sir! Great story - please share part two with us! (Although I'll be perfectly happy to read it without pictures. I don't need to see photos of anyone's nuts, let alone when they're outside their body.)
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Ditdah 123,110 14 Reads last post
07/23/2009 04:15 PM
Shakespeare. Cue "lesbian not wanting to see balls joke" in 3...2...1...
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0 votes
0.0
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dacheat 2,413 0
07/23/2009 05:50 PM
Ok, am I the only one who is not thinking the obvious?
They put gel on your balls, right? I am assuming you wiped some of the excess when they were done, and proceeded to masterbate with it, I mean since your hand is already down there and lubed up and all. That's what I would have done.
So my question: Was it good lube? What was it called?
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,511 19
07/23/2009 06:52 PM
Good story, lookin forward to part 2. Good luck with the surgery.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Shell Belle 77,143 25
07/23/2009 07:46 PM
I feel your pain, my friend. We have both been betrayed by our reproductive organs.
And yes, the nurses will take your camera into the operating room if you ask nicely. I got some beautiful shots of my uterus for this year's Christmas card.
Good luck to you!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Redwing 3,887 30
07/23/2009 08:05 PM
Hey Shell,
SUYU
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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TrouserWeasel 22 3
07/23/2009 08:17 PM
Dude-
I feel your pain. I once had epididimytis (inflammation of the epidymus, the little cord coming off your testicle) and it feels like you've been nutted with a sledgehammer. The exam's even better for this one. I had to bend over the table while Doctor BigFingers proceeded to glove up, lube up and shove one up the poop chute. "A little pressure" my ass.
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0 votes
0.0
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Maruti Driver 360 10
07/23/2009 09:48 PM
I'm posting from my iPod. Surgery went fine and I got someone to get a little video. My only problem now is that the anesthesia is wearing off.
More to come when I can type with a real keyboard and not this iPod touch Shakespeare.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,511 19
07/23/2009 09:53 PM
Congrats on making it through the surgery. Did they leave both nuts, or will you lean to one side now?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Maruti Driver 360 10
07/24/2009 02:39 PM
Ok guys, I'm back home.
I was taking a peek of what was filmed and it's a lot of graphic nut violence. Ok, not violent but graphic, yes. I'm starting transfering from the camera's HDD to my computer now and then start editing so it fits in youtube, and then I'll be able to wrap the second and final part up.
I'm pleased to say both nuts survived and are safely stored away on the yambag.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
07/24/2009 06:32 PM
That's too bad. You probably couldda sold that sumbitch on eBay.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Alarm Clock the Pretired Robot 6,348 4
07/26/2009 03:42 AM
Ok, not violent but graphic
That is a Frost-ing lie. A doctor is cutting on his BALLS! What the hell is your definition of violent? Just 'cause they weren't smacking you with a mace doesn't mean it's not violent when they unsheath, clamp, squeeze, pull, and cut at your janglies.
God damnit!
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