Twits of the Week: Brooke White! Chad Ocho Cinco! Chocolate Rain!
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  43,809  9
07/23/2009 09:39 PM 1249 views
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Every week I bring you ZUG.com's Twit of the Week, a skewering of celebrity micro-blogs from Twitter.com. And without further ado, I introduce this week's twits:
Brooke White (realbrookewhite)
bloggin'... about 24 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
She's yet another product of the gag machine that is American Idol, and a Mormon living in Van "Porn Capital of the US" Nuys, California, so I'm willing to bet she has some awesome conversations during her mission work. For anyone who's actually a fan of Idol or who thinks that the show is somehow relevant or actually showcases talent, consider that White landed a record deal and released her album "Randall's Not Even Going To Mention it By Name to Give Me the Free Publicity," despite finishing fifth on the show. That's fifth, as in "at least four people are better at this than you," yet she gets a record deal. Try getting a job at QuikTrip when only four other people can operate the cash register better than you.
Why are you tweeting that?!
So just to be safe you're posting in your micro blog that you're blogging on your regular blog. And right about there is where the aneurysm hit me as the world folded in on itself. Are pseudo-celebrities like Brooke White really that self-obsessed and fearful of losing their tenuous grip on fame that they have to stop writing about themselves long enough to drop us a note letting us know they're writing about themselves? The answer of course is yes, but do any of them even have the cognitive capacity to realize it?
Soulja Boy Tellem (souljaboytellem)
Just got off stage OMG I SHUT THAT BITCH DOWN!!!! 17,000 people in the rain!! North Carolina I Frost wit yall TUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 11:02 PM Jul 18th from TwitterFon
Wait ... who?
Soulja Boy Tellem (for real. That's his chosen moniker. Sometimes he goes by simply "Soulja Boy") sprang into the zeitgeist with his hit song "Crank That," in which he expounds on the joys of ejaculating onto your sleeping partner's back and then sticking the sheets to her shoulders like a cape. In between appearances as the country's Poet Laureate, SouljaBoy Tellem tours and performs ridiculous pop/rap for the MTV set and, if history is any indication, will soon have a line of sneakers/jewelry/energy drinks/t-shirts/feminine pads at a store near you if he doesn't already.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Soulja Boy subscribes to the "more exclamation points means more feeling" philosophy, and you can see he's pretty amped. But is he excited or pissed off? It seems like he's scolding the folks of North Carolina, rubbing their noses in the fact that, not only did he "shut that bitch down," but he "Frost wit yall TUFF." I can't even tell if TUFF is supposed to be a noun, an adjective, or a confused attempt at more exclamation points. I imagine going to a Soulja Boy concert is like visiting your really passive aggressive dad. You spend most of the night trying to figure out if he's mad at you or not, and you end up leaving early just feeling awkward.
Rachel Smith (MissRachelSmith)
CB's "apology". Thoughts? I'll get reamed, but my thoughts: little 2 late? Why hasn't Rihanna spoken? They owed it 2 their fans mos ago. about 1 hour ago from web
Wait ... who?
She was Miss USA 2007, despite hailing originally from Panama (she got in on the "army brat" exemption). Like most beauty pageant contestants, she took standing in a swimsuit and wearing a tiara to be skills most easily translated to a career in journalism. To be fair she does work for the E! network, and if anyone's going to combine tiaras, swimsuits, and journalism it'll be E!.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Smith is referring to Chris Brown apologizing for beating the sweet-freaking-Christ out of girlfriend Rihanna on their way to the Grammys. He not only punched, kicked, bit, and put Rihanna in a headlock, but did it all while driving down the 405. But that's beside the point. If Chris Brown wants to apologize for being an Emerson worthy of castration, great. He absolutely should. To Rihanna. He doesn't owe "the fans" anything at all, because he hasn't (yet) hit them. And to suggest Rihanna owes the public some sort of apology or comment simply because she got the Shakespeare kicked out of her? That's like dragging the rape victim out to justify what she was really thinking wearing that dress that night. You would think someone like a beauty pageant contestant would be a little more clued in to domestic issues like that. I mean, her line of work involves a man with a cheap suit and a microphone periodically asking her what she'd like to change about Shakespeare like this.
Tay Zonday (TayZonday)
I hate using toxic foggers and pesticides cause I think they cause degenerative nerve diseases, but I feel like fumigating about 21 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
He's Chocolate Rain, baby! Zonday sprung to fame on a YouTube sensation that I still don't really get. You people know that's an autotuner, right? Since then Zonday's showed up in a Weezer video, an episode of SouthPark, all the late night talk show circuits, and a Dr. Pepper ad. So this will probably be the last you hear of him.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I hate toxic foggers too, Tay. At least breathing them in, anyway. I don't mind a six-legged genocide when it has to happen. I'm a little more disturbed at the fact that you just "feel like fumigating." Generally that's something that's more of a "have to." Is this a common feeling you get? Does the itch to fill your living space with toxic clouds of pesticide come up often? Is this what led to your bizarre appearance and penchant for inward singing? Maybe the fleeting gossamer of internet fame has finally whisped away and Zonday realizes it's all over, so after spending the day watching his various YouTube videos in succession he simply pops the pin on a bug bomb, drops it in his lap, lights a cigarette, and curses the god that shat him into existence.
And ZUG's Twit of the Week is...
Chad Ocho Cinco (OGOchoCinco)
VH1 this is good about 1 hour ago from txt
Wait ... who?
Chad Ocho Cinco (nee Johnson) is the famously retarded wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals who manages to throw a huge temper tantrum and call out teammates and coaches every season despite making the playoffs once. He IS a five-time pro bowler, and the guy can for real catch a football, but he's forever overshadowing any ability he has with his ridiculous mouth and antics, including changing his name to "Eight Five" in Spanish in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. I guess no one clued him in that Hispanic Heritage Month is just a month, whereas the name change lasts a little longer. There's also that little bit about him not being Hispanic.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I imagine Ocho Cinco sitting on his couch one lazy afternoon flipping through the 5,437 channels on his satellite package when he stumbles across VH1. "Hey," he mutters to himself, "what's all this now?" Best Week Ever. Flavor of Love. Rock of Love. Charm School. I Love Money. In fact, the majority of VH1's programming is dedicated to spoiled brats screaming, fighting, having sex, and trying to make money. So, essentially, a microcosm for Chad Ocho Cinco's existence. Or maybe he stumbled across VH1 Classic and caught that Rick Astley episode of Pop-Up Video.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it below! And don't forget to follow @Zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
18 votes
4.5
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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John Hargrave 116,629  19
07/23/2009 09:40 PM
You had me at "curses the god that shat him into existence."
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Discombobulated 2,239 5
07/23/2009 10:04 PM
He not only punched, kicked, bit, and put Rihanna in a headlock, but did it all while driving down the 405.
Was he driving or was there a driver? If he did all that while driving I'm not even mad. I'm impressed.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,696 23
07/23/2009 10:20 PM
He IS a five-time pro bowler, and the guy can for real catch a football.
Professional bowler and NFL star? I'm not much of a sports fan, but that sounds impressive!
Great work, as always. Love this feature!
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
07/24/2009 03:26 AM
Chris Brown was driving, which makes me fear the guy in terms of his multi-tasking ability.
And his right hook.
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0 votes
0.0
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101011 101001 0 1
07/24/2009 07:51 AM
Try getting a job at QuikTrip when only four other people can operate the cash register better than you.
o QT...
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 5,962 9
07/24/2009 11:17 AM
Professional bowler and NFL star? I'm not much of a sports fan, but that sounds impressive!
It's ok not impressive. Jim Thorpe was impressive. He was a professional: Baseball, Basketball, Football player, and did track and field; all in the same years and was very good. He also won the Decathlon and Pentathlon.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bob Monkeypimp 421 0
07/24/2009 12:00 PM
Soulja!!!!!!!!!! boy!!!!!!!!!!!!! is!!!!!!! a!!!!!!! donkeyraping!!!!!!!!! Frosttard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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0 votes
0.0
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Bob Monkeypimp 421 0
07/24/2009 12:01 PM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! !!!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Bob Monkeypimp 421 0
07/24/2009 04:48 PM
!! !!!! !! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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TrouserWeasel 22 1
07/24/2009 11:59 PM
Chocolate Rain?!? Made me think of a Shakespeare storm.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Alarm Clock the Pretired Robot 5,980 4
07/26/2009 12:32 PM
Best Twits of the Week yet.
You really have a knack for seeming to emulate thought processes of our society's role models. I suppose that's a sort of derogatory compliment. Your order of progression is spot on. You had me cracking a smile, then chuckling, and finally spitting on myself by the time I got to Ocho Cinco. I also enjoy how you seem to put at least one stupid hot girl in each one. You really know what you're doing.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Millie 107,064 10
07/27/2009 03:34 AM
These are always my favorite articles on ZUG.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
07/30/2009 04:14 PM
I only add the hot girls for the excuse of hunting down pictures of them.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,330 0
07/31/2009 03:20 AM
My favorite thing about the football player guy is he uses Ocho Cinco because he was too stupid to know that eighty-five is ochenta y cinco.
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0 votes
0.0
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TotalRecall 2 1
08/01/2009 07:18 PM
You must have not heard about Shaq tweeting how he made an impromptu stop at the White House and they wouldn't let him in. I have more respect for the Secret Service after hearing that.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Flaming Bag of Shemp! 16,500 9
08/01/2009 11:00 PM
You must have not heard about Shaq tweeting how he made an impromptu stop at the White House and they wouldn't let him in. I have more respect for the Secret Service after hearing that.
Would you let a 7 foot 2 inch, 350 pound Ogden Nash in your house if he just showed up at your door? Even if you, yourself was 50% Ogden Nash?
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,696 23
08/02/2009 04:14 AM
Where are this week's twits? I'm going through withdrawals.
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0 votes
0.0
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
08/02/2009 10:04 PM
I submitted to John but I forgot he's out of town. I'll post it as a regular article.
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