Kids Say the Most Random Things A comedy article
by Shell Belle | 07/24/2009 05:46 PM | 2335 views
The term "non sequitur" is a Latin phrase that is literally translated as, "It does not follow." It is used in reference to something that is said or written that has nothing to do with the conversation that precedes it.
While anyone can bust out a decent non sequitur every now and then, it is children who are the undisputed masters of it. Strange and hilarious things can and often do come out of a child's mouth without warning. Who can forget the freaky little zombie kid that made America laugh with the inappropriately uttered phrase, "I like turtles."
My children have provided me with endless laughs and entertainment by way of their non sequiturs. In fact, I look forward to them. And because I want to be one of those parents who embarrasses the hell out of their children in front of their friends when they are teenagers, I have started writing them down. Some of you may think that that's a bit anal, but I was playing far too many games of "What in the hell was it that he/she said that was so funny?", I'm sure many of you are familiar with that game as well. The one that usually ends with a splitting headache and a "goddamn, I'm old."
Now, without further ado, I give you my top three picks of my children's funniest non sequiturs.
Hail to the Beef
This one comes compliments of my nine year-old daughter. I was sitting at the kitchen table with her and my son, having breakfast. My husband had been out of town for the previous three days, and both of the kids had spent most of that time plying me with endless, inane questions like "Why does Spongebob wear a tie when he's only a fry cook?", "Why does February only have twenty-eight days?", and "Why do I look so much like our mailman?", In the interest of preserving my sanity, I had begun to tune these questions out for the most part and was giving out a response that all parents know well: "I don't know."
That's when it happened. There was a brief lull in the conversation as the kids ate their cereal. Then my daughter put her spoon down and asked me, "Did John Quincy Adams like for people to see him naked?"
"I don't kn----- WHAT?!?!!"
My daughter is really into presidential trivia and has lots of books on the topic. She had read the story of how John Quincy Adams liked to swim naked in the Potomac and had once had his clothes stolen by a prankster. Not knowing how to answer that, I gave the other response that all parents know well: "Why don' you ask your dad when he gets home?"
Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
Just like Elvis
Unable to find a babysitter in time, I was forced to take my son with me to my doctor's appointment one afternoon. I had brought along a few of his favorite books and magazines, and he appeared to be pretty engrossed in one of those as the doctor entered the exam room.
The doctor and I exchanged the usual pleasantries, and since this was just an annual check-up, she began by asking questions in order to update my record. After what seemed like an eternity of answering question after question about every part of my anatomy, she started into the family medical history. Knowing that all my grandparents were dead, she asked, "What did your grandparents die of?"
Apparently my son had not been as engrossed in his magazine as I'd previously thought, because at that question, he looked up and said, "Her great-grandpa died on the toilet. He was going poop." It wasn't so much what he said that made it so funny, it was how he said it. He didn't crack a smile the whole time, and when he had finished talking, he looked down and went back to his reading as if telling someone that one of our relatives had died while sitting on the crapper was something he did everyday.
He died with his pants down.
The doctor laughed and said, "Well, you know that he listens to you, at least sometimes." Yeah, that's great to know. So when I tell him over and over again how inappropriate it is to burp loudly at the dinner table or that he needs to pick up after himself, he doesn't hear a word I say. Tell a story about a man dying on the potty, and he's all ears. Perhaps I would have more luck if I added "toilet",to the beginning of every sentence. "Toilet eat your vegetables." "Toilet stop hitting your sister." "Toilet don't make me turn this car around!" ,It could work.
Kids love toilets.
Going Up?
One rainy day a few months ago, the kids and I headed out to the video store to rent some games and movies. While the kids were browsing in the "Family",section, I went over a few aisles to look at the new releases. A few minutes later, as I was standing there debating on renting Stepbrothers, I hear the unmistakable voice of my son saying, "That picture makes my pee-pee go up!"
Oh. My. God. I rush over to see what has aroused my son's interest, and see that he is looking at a copy of Mean Girls. I also notice that there is another mother about five feet away from me, and she is looking at me with disgust. My daughter is giggling like crazy and saying, "Did you hear what Troy said?"
Mean. And hot.
At this point, I don't know how to react. Should I be embarrassed that my son would shout something like that in public, or should I just laugh? Can I blame him for thinking that Rachel McAdams is hot? No. I decide to laugh. The other mom gives me a dirty look and leads her children away, where they'll be safe from the taint of my demon spawn. I decided to rent Mean Girls, just for my son and his pee-pee.
Later that evening, I told my husband what my son had said. I bet any of you fathers out there can guess his reaction. He got a big smile on his face and said, "That's my boy!"
I agree with Whistler. Very well written, and hilarious to boot. And I believe the correct fatherly response would have been "me too", by the way. Maybe that's why I'm not married.
I loved that "makes my pee-pee go up" line, too. It reminded me of the first time I realized that I had a tingle in my no-no parts, that my pee-pee was hard, and that it had something to do with girls. I was watching the Miss America pageant swimsuit competition. Must have been about 1985 or so, because I remember I was 24 years old at the time. Good times.
Perhaps I would have more luck if I added "toilet",to the beginning of every sentence. "Eat your toilet." "Stop hitting your Toilet." "Don't make me turn this Toilet around!" ,It could work.
Too bad I can't use it seeing that I'm married. Me: "Hey honey my pee-pees up, you want to have some fun" Her: "Well you better either make mister pee-pee go down or find something else to do with it because I'm busy."
Kids are beautifully random. Sometimes, however, they are not. Sometimes they are so precisely intentional that it makes your car swerve.
My daughter is 8, my son is 13. On the way back from the beach a month or so ago, they were bickering like they do. We were tired and hungry, and they were just going at it, and I was ignoring it, like I tend to do. Some days, only blood or police can get my attention.
I have no idea what led up to this, but imagine my surprise when my beautiful girlie baby doll of a child said, in the most serious voice I'd ever heard her use, "You do that, Kevin, and I swear I will kick you in the nuts."
My response was much like Shell's husband. That's my girl!
Shell Belle, I'm not a fan of kids, nor am I a fan of parents telling me boring anecdotes about their kids, but if they were more like your stories, I would feel very differently about this subject. Very nice! Congrats on all the great ratings, you deserve it!
Recently at the school I drive for, a kindegardener was walking down the sidewalk yelling (at the top of his lungs): BOW CHICKA WOW WOW. I doubt he knows what he was doing but he had every adult laughing!
They also announce Shakespeare you wish they wouldn't, my friends daughter farts and then goes up to everyone, i mean EVERYONE and proudly announces that "I TOOTED"!
A friend of mine is on electronic monitoring. He keeps telling children it is filled with explosives, and if he leaves a certain area, he will blow up.
It is nice watching him tell it to the wide eyed kids, and their reactions. I can only imagine their parents reactions when the children are telling it to them.
Absolutely awesome, Shell my Belle. This is tre-Frost-ing-mendous.
When I was 10 I guilted my mom into taking me to see "Kuffs," a Christian Slater vehicle that was *gasp!* PG-13. At one point in the movie Slater is laid up in the hospital and Milla Jovovich shows up to massage him to health.
"Watch it," he says, "you're givin' me a hard on."
I shrunk in my seat next to my mom as I realized I was going to have to explain to her what "hard on" meant.
Driving home from my 4-yr-old daughter's gymnastics awards ceremony, she's nattering away in the back seat about the trophy (A gymnast doing a handstand on top of a globe):
"Look at this!"
"This is me! I am the best gymnastics girl on top of the earth!"
"Look! I have boobs!"
"Wow, these boobs shoot fire!"
One kid had to fart recently but yelled FIRE IN THE HOLE before he did. (by about a half a second)
We passed by some people protesting abortion, a 1st grader asked another child what abortion was, the other child responded: Its sex without consequences... (god help our future in this world)
We had hired a maid to clean my grandpa's house cause he was too old to do it.
Long story short, we offered her a ride home. It was my dad, my little sister who was 5, the maid and me. When we pulled up to the maid's house, it was obvious she didn't have much money as it was old, run down, and in desperate need of repair. My little sister sat up in her seat, peered out the front windshield, turned and looked at the maid and said:
"Is that your house?"
"It sure is sweetie." the maid replied.
Nice. Verra nice. Just make sure your son's best man knows that story before the wedding reception.
One of my proudest poppa moments:
A couple years later we're driving home to Arizona from Disneyland. We're in the middle of the desert, nothing in sight anywhere but dry grass and mesquite, when my daughter informs us, as kids always do, that she has had to pee RIGHT NOW! There's nowhere to stop for at least 20 miles, and she gets more and more frantiCarrollil my wife says "Let's just stop here and let her go on the side of the road." Okay...whatever. It's not like I didn't pee on the side of the road as a kid every time I took a road trip with my dad. Later that day, we get back home and go over to my mom's to visit a little. The first thing my daughter has to say about the whole trip to Disneyland is "Grandma! I peed in the grass LIKE A DOG!" Exactly like that, in all-cap, boldface italics.
Doh! I had typed more stuff in that last post, and had to edit it down. I didn't do a very good job, though, because that anecdote comes in without any leadup. This was when my daughter was about four years old. Carry on.
Share on your site:
