My left testicle and me. A varicocele story - part 3 A comedy article
by Maruti Driver 360 10 07/24/2009 08:35 PM 1057 views
(If you just want to get to the gory "Dude, your testicle is running away through a cut in your abdomen" part, go directly to the second video)
When men suddenly start feeling pain on their nuts without being kicked on them, they do nothing. But I ended up going to the doctor.
As you saw on parts 1 and 2, I had varicocele, which basically means I had a varicose vein(s) on one of my nuts and was scheduled for surgery, so I went to the clinic, was admitted and had to change into those ridiculous robes and answer some trivia quiz about health related stuff so the doctors didn't accidentaly kill me.
After a while, yet another nurse came, I mean, how many nurses do I need to get my damn ball fixed? Well, she came with a box with an electric razor and I kinda started to suspect what was up:
"I need to shave you" She said, and when I was about to ask why my moustache was a problem with the surgery she asks me to pull my robes up and my undies down. Ohhh... damn, there goes my last bit of manhood, getting my crotch shaved by a nurse in a clinic. At some point while this nurse was doing her deed and actually pulling more hair than cutting it, I asked her if she would respect me the next day, but she just laughed, so I guess that's a no. My wife stopped filming at some point for an unknown reason.
After that nurse left, YET ANOTHER nurse came in and plugged a needle in my arm with the IV thing, probably to give me some drugs or whatever. Then I resumed filming some more, for your viewing pleasure, and after waiting and waiting and some more waiting, came two nurses, which were not new nurses finally, nut ones I had seen when I arrived, and started rolling my bed to the OR.
You can see some shots of the shaving and the result here:
My wife got left behind after that and when I was in the pre op room and my doctor finally came I asked if someone could get my camera and get a few clips of the operation. He said no problem and I spend quite a while reminding a nurse to go back to where my wife was to get the camera. Which I did about 15 times.
I have to say, it's damn COLD in those ORs, they moved my bed there and help me get on the operating table. Then the anesthesia guy came in, he will be called anesthesia man for the rest of this writing because I forgot his name and I was worried no one was bringing the camera in. "I'm anesthesia man and I'll be your anesthesiologyst today" he said. "Cool" I said, "Please tell me about the drugs" but it looks he didn't understand what I meant and started asking me about allergies and whatnot, then told me I'd be getting intradural anesthesia, which basically consists of poking yor spine with a needle until he finds the spot to inject his crap and make you numb from your waist down.
And damn, I don't know if this guy was new or what, but he made me sit on the table, shoulders pointing forward, and told me to relax. Then he starts poking me in the lower back with a needle, and man, it REALLY hurts. "please don't move" he says, all while poking me with the needle and me trying desperately not to move, lest he pokes something important in my spine and leaves me with an erectile dysfunction or something. Anyway, after what it felt like ten minutes of solid poking and pain, he says "You'll be feeling heat in your legs now" and that's exactly what happened. After that I get to lie down again and I get my arms strapped to the table.
Then came the rest of the doctors and started putting those cloths so they don't spill your guts out while operating, and conveniently put one so I can't see. I was literaly shivering, from fear, nervousness or just because it was damn cold in there I'm not sure, but when the doctor finally started operating someone came with my camera.
Have you ever tried to explain to a surgeon assistant how to turn on a Sony video camera WHILE STRAPPED DOWN TO A TABLE? I tried to do this, but she didn't understand, so I asked her to get the camera close to my right hand and I managed to turn it on, luckily, she figured out the rest and got what I think are some shots worth watching. Then since I was shivering so much, anesthesia man put something on my IV to help with that, but I just felt a bit sleepy, so I took a nap, and woke up just in time for the stitching.
After that, they unstrapped me, gave me my camera and then sent me to the recovery room. Man, it sucks to be being moved around while on a bed, you can only see the ceiling and it makes me a bit dizzy. I took a couple shots with my camera and then took a nap.
Eventually I was taken to my room, and I tried sleeping, but man, have you ever tried to sleep after surgery? Every ten minutes a nurse comes to take your blood pressure or whatever, they keep waking you up. Plus I was starting to feel my feet, although I could barely move them, and was worried about when the anesthesia wore off I may have pain or something. During this time I think I posted something on live about being alive from my iPod.
And here it is: The part most of you want to see. Be prepared to wince, make funny/grossed out faces as you meet my left testicle in all his varicose glory. WARNING: There seems to be some sasusage visible when I show the bandage post op. If you are offended by penises, don't watch the whole video.
I also noticed my robe was wet on some parts. You see, when you're numb from your waist down, you don't know what's going on down there. Then I realised every time I coughed A BIT OF PEE CAME OUT OF MY JOHNSON, so I was cough peeing, but the nurses, thank god, didn't want to put a catheter on my schlong, so I just got a change of robes and bedsheets and that's it. No further wetting of the sausage occured after the numbness subsided.
And finally the next day, I got to eat. Of course, everyone knows hospital (OR clinic) food is not even aproved for pet feeding, but you gotta take what you get, so I had the lame sandwich and cup of tea they left, and when I reached for my PSP on the nightstand beside my bed I found my wife had left me a chocolate. Poor chocolate went down the hatch pretty fast and will always be remembered. Lunch was Shakespearety too, but after lunch the doctor came and signed my discharge papers, and I finally was allowed to walk out of the clinic as a varicocele free man.
And for some stupid reason, I took the stairs again to leave.
Now I'm sitting on my comfy couch (or is it sofa?) writting this, still having some pain and wondering when it will end. But I have no varices on my nads anymore, so I'm happy, plus, I got most on the thing on video so I can show it to gross or entertain people.
Congrats on the nutjob! You should have asked for some botox at the same time! As someone stated in the first part, you could have nuts like an 18 year old again!
I think its pretty well known to anyone who has had surgery that indeed, operating rooms are Frost-ing COLD! Before all my surgeries (seven in total) I was lucky and got warmed blankets.
Also, I think your shivering was partly from the numbing drugs, as I know it happened to me, weird uncontrollable shivering, but then I was also on lots of other fun pain drugs and I was put completely under for all of mine. Thankfully. I cetainly wouldn't have wanted to be awake for having my spine drilled into and rearranged repeatedly!
I hope your balls feel better soon and can go back to filling your wife with love juice!
Also, your english and grammar were pretty good for it being your second language!
That was so very kind of you to share that with us. I see where you get it from though, you have the politest testicle I've ever seen. Sitting there getting mangled with pottery tools and he still has the manners to say "Hi" and introduce himself like that. I won't say anything bad about Chileans' balls for a solid month. A real gentleball, that one there.
I would have just shot myself rather than going in for nard surgery, but you pulled it off with grace and showed some real testicular fortitude there.
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