Thud 68,511 19
07/28/2009 06:24 PM

If a guy chooses to go commando, make sure to get pants that have a button fly.

The Mailman 176,464 56
07/28/2009 06:26 PM

The trunk of a Ford Focus is only big enough for a petite hooker.

Bob Monkeypimp 460 0
07/28/2009 06:31 PM

That wasn't chicken...

Unknown Duck 530 6
07/28/2009 06:34 PM

Acid and LSD are the same thing

Bob Monkeypimp 460 0
07/28/2009 06:43 PM

Don't visit a zoo with only 1 dog...
It's always a Shakespearezu...

Alarm Clock the Pretired Robot 6,348 4
07/28/2009 06:44 PM

Never put an open beer in the same pocket as your cell phone.

Do not catch a fishing lure when thrown to you.

Do not cuss out someone for almost running into your car and back up without looking at the same time.

The quieter it is, the less likely you can squeeze one out silently.

Never eat a very drunk and relaxed girl's snapper.

Do not push someone into an electric fence if they can grab your wrist.

Wash your hands before you pee after using Icy-Hot.

Do not put it in her mouth while she's sleeping. Only you think that's charming.

Do not climb up and slide down fiberglass flagpoles.

Do not adjust 300,000 volt igniters with your bare hands.

On duty cops don't want a hit, even at a concert.

They use sugar glass in movies. Real glass does not work that way.

An arrow (feathers out) in the end of a high speed drill is fun, but will remove hair in massive chunks.

Hair bleeds when removed in massive chunks.

Bob Monkeypimp 460 0
07/28/2009 06:44 PM

Don't break into song if you can't find the key...

MungChamp 35,891 35
07/28/2009 06:45 PM

Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

Manhole 21,656 29
07/28/2009 08:47 PM

Don't post while drinking.

Manhole 21,656 29
07/28/2009 09:02 PM

Or was it don't drink while posting...

Alarm Clock the Pretired Robot 6,348 4
07/28/2009 09:07 PM

Liver's don't really appreciate a bunch of asinine comments and an unjustifiably inflated ego with a holier than thou attitude.

I'm better than all of you! None of you are doing this thread right. I deserve way more clickies for my posts than all you un-remarkable, unfunny, dick polishers put together.

P*H*L*A 131,068 34
07/28/2009 09:09 PM

No, it's don't post.

Mighty Kind 36,177 48
07/28/2009 09:18 PM

If it floats Frosts or flys, rent don't buy.

Yes we men are that simple. You can't read between our lines because there is only one line with one word on it. Two if you count food.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and found chlamydia.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
07/29/2009 08:19 AM

Poe is the most powerful and most addictive drug

squirrels are wild Frost-ing animals don't try to pet one

cops don't think piggy jokes are funny

they are also not NWA fans

even if its been empty under the backseat for weeks it still counts as an open container

be nice to your siblings you never know when you'll need a kidney

if you're up to your neck in Shakespeare, keep your mouth shut

Yellowalien 11 3
07/29/2009 08:52 AM

No matter how funny you think you are, calling your girlfriend a "bitch" doesn't fly so well.

Never drink Liquor before beer.

A condom is like a sock, there is only one right way to put it on

Never look up anything at work that is NSFW.

Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
07/29/2009 09:02 AM

Butter knives don't go in electrical sockets.

Or was that pocket knives?

Hmm, I'll be right back, I've got some experimenting to do.

Alarm Clock the Pretired Robot 6,348 4
07/29/2009 09:05 AM

A condom is like a sock, there is only one right way to put it on

They're both still good if they only have small holes in them, and if you can't find one, you can just wear a dirty one.

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
07/29/2009 11:08 AM

Kilts and motorcycles do not mix well, but it's still kinda cool.

Never argue with your wife. Even when you win absolutely, destroying her arguements with pure logic, you still lose.

Zug is a HUGE waste of time. (refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh)

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
07/29/2009 11:38 AM

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

Lobsta of the Sea: Lobsta or Tuna? 18,570 33
07/29/2009 11:48 AM

Don't drink tequila at football watching parties.

If it hurts when you do that, don't Frost-ing do it, ya tard!

Sex and the ability to withold it are powerful tools. Ones that you should use very sparingly when it comes to getting your way. THat kind of power is addictive.

Wash your hands after changing poopy diapers. THAT'S NOT CHOCOLATE!!

Make my Ravos grow! 63,472 21
07/29/2009 11:53 AM

Always and never are two words you should always remember never sometimes to use.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
07/29/2009 11:59 AM

That completely ruins the entire point, Ravos.

Lobsta of the Sea: Lobsta or Tuna? 18,570 33
07/29/2009 12:03 PM

Yes because "most the time" and "rarely" are much stronger phrases than "always" and "never".

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
07/29/2009 12:06 PM

No, Lobsta I was talking about the... wait, hua?

MungChamp 35,891 35 Pushes his glasses up
07/29/2009 12:19 PM

Greedo didn't shoot first. Greedo shot first.

steamy stool 235 4
07/29/2009 12:39 PM

NAMBLA is NOT a cool association to be a part of.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
07/29/2009 12:51 PM

Frost you Stool. What are you trying to say?

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
07/29/2009 12:53 PM

Fanny packs aren't really that cool.

steamy stool 235 4
07/29/2009 12:57 PM

Sorry Reverend, I thought it was a great place to meet boys, but it turns out it's mostly filled with older men. Not really my cup of tea.

steamy stool 235 4
07/29/2009 12:59 PM

Fanny packs aren't really that cool.

Yeah they'd be a lot cooler if things actually got packed in ones fanny.

MungChamp 35,891 35
07/29/2009 01:04 PM

I need a new icon.

steamy stool 235 4
07/29/2009 01:11 PM

Yep like all things ZUG this thread is filling up with Shakespeare.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
07/29/2009 01:25 PM

No matter how hot she is somewhere there's a man thats tired of puting up with her Shakespeare.

Asshat Deluxe 11,439 21
07/29/2009 02:10 PM

Never masturbate in church.

Never Frost your signifigant other's sibling, cousin, parent or grandparent.

Climbing the rope in gym feels mighty good.

If you fart and it sounds messy and feels messy, it probably is.

If she says she doesn't wanna suck your dick, don't make her.

If she will suck your Coleridge but won't let you jizz in her mouth, don't do it anyway and say oops sorry, that doesn't stop her from spitting it in your face or chewing your Coleridge off.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
07/29/2009 04:39 PM

Here's one I just learned:

When you just wake up and feel like a nice little stroke, make sure you are fully awake first, otherwise you may start washing your hands when you are finished and forget what you were doing and spray some water on your face.

Pram 80,728 42
07/29/2009 04:43 PM

I am an awesome person who joins the fun at the right time... makes things happen... and is remembered later for the adorable Frostnut I am.

Alarm Clock the Pretired Robot 6,348 4
07/29/2009 04:55 PM

Never masturbate in church.

You've never been to a catholic church, have you?

squirrels are wild Frost-ing animals don't try to pet one

They have white ones in D.C. that will lure you in with their cuteness.

Never drink Liquor before beer.

Other way around. That way, "you're all clear."

Sex and the ability to withold it are powerful tools. Ones that you should use very sparingly when it comes to getting your way. THat kind of power is addictive.

So is the ability to choke someone unconscious, turtle.

X BOX Red Nipples of Death 2,207 7
07/29/2009 05:27 PM

Despite smelling strongly of Stetson and fried chicken, Rosie O'Donnell is not a man.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
07/29/2009 05:29 PM

Despite smelling strongly of Stetson and fried chicken, Rosie O'Donnell is not a man.

I will not believe it, and we will never know because not even the Kodak/NASA joint camera project has yet to withstand the horror of a fully nude pic.

Asshat Deluxe 11,439 21
07/29/2009 05:55 PM

Never masturbate in church.

You've never been to a catholic church, have you?

No need to masturbate in catholic church, theres always a hand willing to pray for a second coming.

Azeroth Exile 129 4
07/29/2009 07:42 PM

First time Zug-ger, be kind.

You CANNOT iron even a tiny wrinkle out of pants that you are wearing.

Trying to thaw a frozen loading ramp by pouring hot water on it has the exact opposite result.

At your first martial arts class, don't let them pair you off with the gray haired lady. She's been doing it longer than you have been alive.

Thud 68,511 19
07/29/2009 07:49 PM

Welcome to Zug, Azeroth. If you have any questions, ask around. People here can be helpful , depending on how recent they had a "treatment".

Asshat Deluxe 11,439 21
07/29/2009 07:59 PM

Yes welcome to you Sir Azeroth or is it ma'am?. Doesn't matter, everyone here is into any parts we can get our hands, lips or holes on.

Has anyone told you yet about the obligatory buttsex you need to take as initiation?

The ill in Millinery 1,071 8
07/29/2009 08:13 PM

Remember to tell her about dropping it in the toilet AFTER you give it to her.

Make my Ravos grow! 63,472 21
07/30/2009 07:19 AM

You CANNOT iron even a tiny wrinkle out of pants that you are wearing.

Well, you can, it just burns a bit.

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
07/30/2009 07:48 AM

You CANNOT iron even a tiny wrinkle out of pants that you are wearing.

Yeah, doesn't work well on shirt collars either. Been there, have the burn scar to prove it. Stupid stupid moment.

KChikita Banana Box 128,412 98
07/30/2009 08:46 AM

If you have to strain to poop, make sure you've already emptied your bladder.

Just sayin'.

Jeeni 47,804 51 hasn't figured it out.
07/30/2009 09:36 AM

How do you get sap out of hair?

Mothcleaner 4,106 10
07/30/2009 09:48 AM

How do you get sap out of hair?

Yeah, that's not sap.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
07/30/2009 01:04 PM

If you have to strain to poop, make sure you've already emptied your bladderYou should eat more fiber.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/30/2009 01:51 PM

99% of the people who contribute to ZuG are not appropriate babysitters.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
07/30/2009 01:52 PM

How hard is it to sit on a baby?

Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
07/30/2009 02:01 PM

99% of the people who contribute to ZuG are not appropriate babysitters.

Who the hell from this place is the 1% that you would trust with a child?!?

Dogs Akimbo 211,597 32
07/30/2009 02:27 PM

Ollie.

Miss Trixxie 65,026 15
07/30/2009 02:52 PM

The female hookers on third and walnut aren't female

Gleeeem 226 4
07/30/2009 03:10 PM

That I needed Miss Trixxie to tell me that...ugh, where were you a week ago?

Also...

"Double bagging" doesn't work, it just slows the infection...

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/30/2009 03:33 PM

Who the hell from this place is the 1% that you would trust with a child?!?

Al, Nutbutter and Declan.




One to butcher, one to whip up a marinade and the third to supervise the roasting and basting.

X BOX Red Nipples of Death 2,207 7
07/30/2009 03:41 PM

Bayan is dead.

Pram 80,728 42
07/30/2009 03:59 PM

You CANNOT iron even a tiny wrinkle out of pants that you are wearing.


yeah you can, use a heat gun!



They're great for all kinds of stuff.

X BOX Red Nipples of Death 2,207 7
07/30/2009 04:29 PM

Battery acid tastes like burning.

X BOX Red Nipples of Death 2,207 7
07/30/2009 04:32 PM

I'm not wearing any pants.

Pudding Pops the Rhymnocerous 1,379 9
07/30/2009 06:04 PM

If you have one of those really high ceilings and are wondering how hard it would be to get flarp stuck on it, don't try it. It's a lot easier than you think.

Lobsta of the Sea: Lobsta or Tuna? 18,570 33
07/30/2009 06:04 PM

This is probably not a good idea:

Pudding Pops the Rhymnocerous 1,379 9
07/30/2009 06:05 PM

throwing a beanie baby wrapped in paper towel at the ceiling is not an effective way to remove flarp.

Bob Monkeypimp 460 0
07/30/2009 08:34 PM

If it doesn't stick on the way in, it still might get stuck on the way out...

Lobsta of the Sea: Lobsta or Tuna? 18,570 33
07/30/2009 10:22 PM

Don't post ACTUAL pictures of yourself on ZUG. I don't know why I keep breaking this rule.

Make my Ravos grow! 63,472 21
07/31/2009 08:58 AM

The snozberries taste like snozberries.

Make my Ravos grow! 63,472 21
07/31/2009 09:09 AM

It was my friend's birthday, and a bunch of us were hanging out at my place before going to club. He was already hammered, and barely able to walk. On the table, there was a steak knife for some reason, I don't remember why. Anyway, my friend was so drunk, we were worried he was going to hurt himself on any sharp objects around, so I take the knife, and put it on the stove, because it was only an arm's reach away. As I do so, my friend looks at me with the most serious face I've even seen on him, and he shares this piece of wisdom with everyone present:

The knife goes in the sink, NOT THE OVEN!

Macka 2.0 1,491 4
07/31/2009 10:36 AM

You can't be ugly AND stupid, so pick one.

Mothcleaner 4,106 10
07/31/2009 10:45 AM

The knife goes in the sink, NOT THE OVEN!

For whatever reason, I read that: The kike goes in the sink, NOT THE OVEN!
and I thought why, too unoriginal?

Alarm Clock the Pretired Robot 6,348 4
07/31/2009 11:09 AM

You can't be ugly AND stupid, so pick one.

It's a very rare thing for a man to be seen for what he is truly worth. You misunderstand my abilities, sir.

X BOX Red Nipples of Death 2,207 7
07/31/2009 01:29 PM

"Hey bitch! You wanna see my Emerson?!" Is not a good pickup line.

Macka 2.0 1,491 4
07/31/2009 01:41 PM

"DAMN those are some big ass panties" is not the response your wife was looking for when she shows you the new panties she just bought.






...and couches are more comfortable to sit on than sleep on.

Make my Ravos grow! 63,472 21
07/31/2009 02:04 PM

If you find yourself frequently sleeping on the couch, invest in a hide-a-bed or a futon.

Asshat Deluxe 11,439 21
07/31/2009 02:09 PM

You can't be ugly AND stupid, so pick one.

AND THANK GOD FOR THAT! At least I have SOMETHING going, I just wish I wasn't so god damn smart.

Mr Crabs 305 7
07/31/2009 03:53 PM

Oral sex is like smoking.
The taste gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.

A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
07/31/2009 09:59 PM

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

Chest, Oliver Chest 203,475 12
08/01/2009 01:31 AM

It's nice to know I'm still remembered.

The Dwork in Woodworking 1,071 8
08/01/2009 01:38 AM

Kids do NOT want to see your secret mole!

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/01/2009 03:30 AM

Ollie, no one who was here will ever forget you:

How many dead babies can you fit in the glove box of your car?



Ask Ford.


Greatest. Fordsdeadbabypost. Evar.

Millie 116,988 28
08/01/2009 01:23 PM

OLIVER CHEST!

Hi.

Hey, you haven't lost a bunch of weight have you?

Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/01/2009 06:19 PM

no matter how much you wiShakespeare, it just won't happen.


Phone conversation that just took place

Me: How was lunch at Hooters?
Wife: HOT!
Me: SWEEET!
Wife: No, the A/C was broke.

:(

Chest, Oliver Chest 203,475 12
08/03/2009 11:01 AM

Hi Millie. Yeah, I've lost a bit. 20 or 30 pounds or so.

Are you still a foxy bitch?

I know I used to say something flirty to you, but I totally forgot what it was.

Millie 116,988 28
08/03/2009 11:05 AM

Hi Millie. Yeah, I've lost a bit. 20 or 30 pounds or so.

NOOOO! Why is everyone losing weight?

Oh--what you used to say is "Hi Millie".

And I'm not foxy anymore--sorry.

Millie 116,988 28
08/03/2009 11:11 AM

In case you're wondering about my reaction to your weight loss...

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/03/2009 11:14 AM

I'll save you the link trouble. She prefers fat people. In fact so much so, she has apparently had a trough strapped to her for quite some time and is probably pushing about 2 bucks by now.

Millie 116,988 28
08/03/2009 04:24 PM

Nope. I'm nowhere near 200 pounds yet.

Tittyslapper, AC's little brother 32 3
09/21/2009 10:41 PM

An arrow (feathers out) in the end of a high speed drill is fun, but will remove hair in massive chunks.

Hair bleeds when removed in massive chunks.

Frost you Frost you Frost you.

ps millie is a fat bitch

and where is my gd haoppy birthday

Thud 68,511 19
09/21/2009 11:05 PM

Frost you Frost you Frost you.

Oh. For. Frost's. Sake.

ps millie is a fat bitch

How would you know? Have you ever seen a picture of Millie?

and where is my gd haoppy birthday

What is it, your thirteenth birthday?

Pubah 56,833 18
09/21/2009 11:10 PM

The food at Hooter's sucks...


...but who cares

the fun in disfunctional 1,970 6
09/22/2009 07:37 AM

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

the fun in disfunctional 1,970 6
09/22/2009 10:16 AM

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

da sip pee gal 14,795 17
09/22/2009 11:17 AM

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.



or one wilting boob, wit, self-deprecating humor, and a large bank account.

Pubah 56,833 18
09/22/2009 12:10 PM

Wonders who was the first person to look at a cow and say...

"Let's squeeze the dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?

da sip pee gal 14,795 17
09/22/2009 12:17 PM

The one that said, "The calves seem to like it, I'm thirsty!"

Pubah 56,833 18
09/22/2009 12:57 PM

Is he related to the one who said, "A Sheeps vagina looks an awful lot like a woman's hoohaa...I wonder if it feels the same."

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
09/22/2009 02:57 PM

General comedy really was a better website concept than pranks.

cycoivan 11,330 11
09/22/2009 03:45 PM

Sinking your ass into $50,000 worth of debt to go to college might not be worth it.


Oh wait, it's suppose to be funny isn't it?

Uh, if you're going to jack off in a public bathroom, lock the door first.

Mielke 1,482 6
09/22/2009 04:02 PM

Sinking your ass into $50,000 worth of debt to go to college might not be worth it.


Didn't somebody on here sink that much into going to Super Bowl.......





What too soon?

Pubah 56,833 18
09/22/2009 06:41 PM

If you lock the door, it's not in public...is it?

Pubah 56,833 18
09/22/2009 06:43 PM

Absentmindedly tappin one's foot while pooping in a public toilet can cause serious problems.