Misogyny X3
A comedy article
by Azeroth Exile  129  4
07/31/2009 09:34 PM 396 views
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So, I'm sitting on the porch tonight. Having a few beers. I figured I'd regale you with a funny story. As I searched my mind for a funny story, I remembered 3 semi-humorous short stories with a common theme: smackin' a ho. 2/3 involve bacon, so there's always that. They are all semi-humorous, but I hope to at least make you smile.
Some of you may not find these funny (due to subject matter, or the fact I'm really not that funny).
I'm a big guy, 6'5”, 260 (although I was around 240 when these stories happened). However, I am very skittish/paranoid; the boogey man is always after me. I can't fall asleep facing away from a doorway, regardless of my location. Hotels, guest rooms, and my bedroom all have the same result: I have to face the door to go to sleep (the boogey man uses doors, it's scientifically proven). If someone tries to wake me up I wake up hard and aggressive until I'm fully awake.
1. My best girl friend.
My best friend (who is also a girl) came to stay with me for a weekend. She's a great gal, and we have a ton of fun but there's nothing sexual between us. I say that, because the story takes place in my bed. I tend to sleep late if I've been drinking. Her first night visiting, we played drink the beer and I won. We had a great time and turned in to bed. The following morning I was still asleep when she woke up. For some ungodly reason she decided to come into my room and wake me up by jumping into my bed and screaming in my face. Scared the bejeebus out of me!!! I woke up in a panic, screaming with my arms flying: I swang my arm and yelled at the same time (chuck norris would be proud) hitting her chest solidly. She jumped back at the sound of my scream which added power to my flail. The karate chop connected and I knocked her out of the bed into the floor where she rolled into my closet about 5 feet away. No guy wants to be laughed at in his bed, but when I finally woke up 100% I was in my boxers with a lady laughing so hard (in my closet) that she couldn't get up. Afterwards, she cooked me bacon, so it's all cool.
2. My college GF in bed.
In college I met the girl I thought I'd marry. I was massively wrong (as most are at that age) but I tried. One night we had some intimacy and got ready for bed. I finished my nightly ablutions, got into bed, and started dozing. About 5 minutes later my GF came to bed. For whatever reason she was frisky and jumped into bed giggling directly into my face. It jarred me awake and I reached up with both arms to protect myself, slapping her on both cheeks simultaneously. She was NOT amused. When her screaming finally woke me completely up, I was in the doghouse and she was furious. I ended up sleeping on the couch in the common living room of my apartment that night while she slept in my room, the room I was paying rent for. I was awakened the next morning by my roommate cooking breakfast, so the pleasant aroma of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, it took me weeks to get out of trouble with her.
3. Hong-Kong Phooey
When I was in 7th grade we had career day with all the usual suspects. The best presenter was the prison guard for our local county sheriff department. He showed us the baton, the gas bombs, and a few physical moves. The only one that stuck with me was the one where you karate chop the shoulder muscles. Imagine a bodybuilder that has those huge muscles that envelop his neck. About 1 inch from the point those muscles attach to his neck is a pressure point. That pressure point is connected directly to the knees.
The college GF (previously mentioned) and I were out near her home shopping at a Target for X-mas gifts for my dad. I selected my item (go-go electric can opener) and began to stand in the longest line ever. For some reason Target thought that pre-christmas customers could be handled by 2 clerks. While we stood in line, the conversation between us turned to sex and uncontrollable body reactions to certain stimuli. I brought up pressure points for pain and remarked if the body could have points for pain they must have points for pleasure. She made a comment disbelieving pressure points and I showed her the only one I remembered: the judo-chop-to-the-neck from 7th grade. I hit her with less force than I hit my snooze bar on my alarm clock, but down she went. Hitting both shoulder points at the same time (and hitting the target luckily) makes your victim collapse at the knees. I was just showing her the points by gently tapping her, but it hit the nerve and dropped her to the ground. In the checkout line at target. Which made everyone look at me while she squirmed and squealed on the ground. I grabbed her hands and tried to help her up, but that pressure point takes a few minutes to clear, apparently. After about 2 minutes she was able to stand on her own and we proceeded to check out while the old women in the other line stared at me.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.8
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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A Marinating Sash 1,353  7
07/31/2009 09:44 PM
...remarked if the body could have points for pain they must have points for pleasure
I would like to introduce you to your penis. The greatest pleasure point of them all.
Lore also speaks of women having a "clitoris" and/or "g-spot", however I believe them to be nothing more than myths.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Azeroth Exile 129 4
07/31/2009 09:47 PM
Well, by Pleasure Points, I meant those you can karate chop for satisfaction.
My penis and her g-spot did not enjoy the karate chops.
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/31/2009 10:45 PM
Azeroth Exile sounds like the name of a mascara-heavy suburban high school goth band.
So do you guys have a my space page?
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,597 32
07/31/2009 11:09 PM
His three stories were linked thematically and he used the word ablutions. Plus, I bet he could take BIG.
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0 votes
0.0
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it's me 62 5
08/01/2009 01:08 AM
I [strike]swang[/strike] swung my arm and yelled at the same time (chuck norris would be proud) hitting her chest solidly.
Fixed! Your lousy grammar was beginning to make my eyes bleed just at little bit.
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0 votes
0.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/01/2009 08:52 AM
His three stories were linked thematically and he used the word ablutions. Plus, I bet he could take BIG Coleridge into his ass.
You forgot to finish your thought.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Azeroth Exile 129 4
08/01/2009 09:23 AM
Sorry for the grammar faux pas. I was drinking, so I'll claim that as my excuse. But I am from the south, "swang" is a real word here. It's in our regional motto or something.
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0 votes
0.0
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Azeroth Exile 129 4
08/01/2009 09:25 AM
Dammit, I was editing that last sentence and dropped a critical part:
this use of the word "swang"....
But then there's a redundancy with "word", so i'm just gonna go get some more coffee and leave the funny up to someone else this morning.
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0 votes
0.0
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Zelkun 639 12
08/01/2009 09:40 AM
Swang has wang in it, so it is a good word.
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