My first and only blind date.
A comedy article
by Macka 2.0  1,491  4
08/01/2009 09:53 PM 638 views
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Back in high school I was set up on the first and only blind date I've ever had. The story, goes something like this. I should tell you that I don't remember her name, so I will use a fictitious one, but the story is the same.
THE INTRODUCTION
I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and he mentioned, "Dude, I've got a friend I need to hook you up with. She saw a picture of you and thinks you're cute".
"Cool, give her my number and tell her to call me" was my obvious reply.
A couple of days go by and the phone rings. It's her! And so we talk, and talk, and talk. Damn, this girl can conversate, but in a good way. She's interesting and funny too. So of course I begin to ask, "So, what do you look like?"
"Oh, you haven't seen a picture of me?", she asks. (this should have been a sign)
"No, but you've seen me, so tell me, what do you look like. Describe yourself to me" I reply.
"Well, let's see. I'm about 5'4" tall, I'm medium build, have medium length hair, I'm caramel colored (yes, 'ol macka had an affinity for the sista's back in the day) and I have a cute mole on my face.",
"DAMN, a mole! Really?", I say just messing with her.
"Yes, but it's cute, like Cindy Crawford, at least everyone tells me that. " She says.
"So who do you look like? I mean, what celebrity do you like? ". I thought this would be a good way for me to tell how she looks based on her response and her description of herself.
"Oh, most people say I look like Lisa Bonet.",
"NO sh*t. Damn, she's hot!",. (Understand, this was 1990, when Lisa still had her fastball).
Now fully invested because I've got a thing for Lisa Bonet, I spend countless hours on the phone with this chic. We talk about anything and everything; after all, I'm in high school, so I'll do anything to get in her pants...even talk on the phone for hours. Weeks go by and we continue to talk.
THE MEETING
It was a Friday night and I don't remember why, but I just decided to stay home that night. My mom was home too, so we were just chillin' out watching TV. Then the doorbell rang.
I answered it and it was my homeboy from earlier. "What's up yo, what the hell are you doing.", I asked surprised.
"Just kicking it man, we were in the 'hood and thought we'd swing by.", He replied.
"we?",, I asked.
"Yeah, dude, I got Angela with me, she really wants to see you.",
"That's cool. Hold on one second.", I closed the door and turned to my mom in the living room.
"Mom, that chic I've been talking to on the phone is here. Is it cool if she comes in for a second then we jet to go hang some place?",
"I don't see why not",, mom replied. She's cool like that.
I ran to my room to throw on my most freshest cross colors outfit and throw a couple of condoms in my wallet. Just as I returned to the living room, there was another knock on the door. It was her. Damn, all of a sudden I was really nervous. What if she thinks I'm ugly? What if she thinks I'm too skinny? At the same time, I was really excited, LISA FREAKIN BONET. Oh man, I hope I get the skins tonight",this is gonna be so dope.
The door opens. And there she is.
320 pounds of the ugliest "caramel", colored woman you've ever seen in your life. I just froze. I didn't know what to do. My first instinct was to block the door. I think for a second I thought she might push me down. Why, I don't know, but she could have if she wanted to. I don't think I said anything for like 15 seconds, and that's a long time. I just remember staring at her and thinking, "YOU LYING ASS b*tch", You don't look like Lisa Bonet, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ATE Lisa Bonet.
Well, it must have been an ackward pause, cause the next voice I here is my moms saying, "Honey, why don't you invite your friend in.",
NO MOM, why don't you mind your own f*cking business.
"Hey", I managed, "I'm Macka, want to come in.",
"Hi, I'm Angela. Sure. "
So I open the door as wide as it can go and got out of the way. She waddles in and stands there. I don't know why, but the first thing I did as I closed the door was look at my mom's face. I swear, that woman should play poker.
"Hi darlin', I'm Macka's mom. Come on in and have a seat. I've heard so much about you.",
"Thank you ma'am.", She said as she sat down and ruined our couch springs.
I don't know why I said what I did next, but I did.
"you want something to drink, or some cookies or something.", My mother glanced at me as if to say, 'keep it together son, I've got your back'.
"Sure, I'll take something to drink", . So I go into the kitchen and make her a class of Coke, and as I'm doing so my mom is making small talk. Thank god. I return, hand her the drink and go sit down at the other end of the couch.
Angela, turns to me and says, "well it's good to finally meet you after talking to you for so long. You are as cute in person as you are in your picture.",
"thanks",, I replied. "you've got a mole just like you said you did.",
That's pretty much all I could think of to say. I mean, c'mon. She didn't look like Lisa Bonet and apparently, or definitions of "medium build", where VERY different.
"So, we are all gonna go hang out for a little while, you wanna roll with us?",
OH sh*t. Why did I not see this coming and think of something to say. sh*t, think. THINK!
I glanced at my mom and I could tell she wanted to just die laughing",she had that look.
"uh, well",I don't know, mom, can I go?", I said out of desperation, I didn't know what else to do or say, I was still groggy from the sucker punch.
"Oh Angela, I'm sorry Sweetie, but Macka is grounded. He got in a bit of trouble this week at school and he won't be going anywhere for a while",
WHHAAA?? Are you kidding me? Did my mom just pull the wingman move of the century? YES. f*ck YES. YOU ARE THE f*ckING MAN MOM. HIGH FIVE. I WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER BE BAD AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.
That's what went on in my mind. What I said was, "sh*t, I forgot. C'mon mom.",
This was a risky move on my part, trying to play it cool that is. My mother has been known to be a bit of a practical joker. She could have very easly said, "well, OK", and then I would have been eaten alive by a caramel colored bear with medium hair and not been here to share my story with you.
Thankfully, she replied back, "I'm sorry honey, but rules are rules.",
At this point, I was thinking clearly again thanks to my mom's quit wit. So I replied, "I guess I'm not going to be able to talk on the phone then either?", She nodded in agreement, I wept tears of joy on the inside. I love you mom.
THE CONCLUSION
After a bit more small talk, I walked Angela to the door, told her it was good to meet her and wished her a good night. Closing the door, I turned and looked at my mom and she just sat there.
Not one word was said for the next 30 minutes. Finally, as we sat watching TV, I started to chuckle, as did she. We talked and laughed for hours about it, and still do to this day.
In summary (and for those who want the pictures only version):
I was expecting this:
and this showed up:
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
23 votes
4.2
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1835651
A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439  21
08/01/2009 09:57 PM
tsk tsk tsk, Coleridgeblocked by your own mom.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1835652
Redwing 3,887 30
08/01/2009 10:14 PM
"Thank you ma'am.", She said as she sat down and ruined our couch springs.
Frost-ing awesome line.
By the way, if you're not all oedipal on your mom, can I get her number? She sounds way too cool to be home alone with her boy on a weekend night.
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Funny
7 votes
3.4
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/02/2009 01:52 AM
Things I have learned from this story:
1. Macka and his high school friends were wiggers.
2. Macka's friend nailed him good with this one. With friends like that...
3. Macka's mom is a hero.
Nice work, son. You should send your mom some flowers now.
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Funny
10 votes
3.7
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Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/02/2009 11:44 AM
Macka and his high school friends were wiggers.
Close. I was the only wigger. All my friends were actually black.
I was like a piece of salt, lost in the pepper shaker.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/02/2009 12:28 PM
Macka is my new favorite noob! I would call dibbs but I think KChiki already called it.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/02/2009 02:27 PM
Close. I was the only wigger. All my friends were actually black.
I was like a piece of salt, lost in the pepper shaker.
YO YO YO, you was da dandruff flake on da black sweater homey.
WORD, you da shiznit!
Nizzle my sizzle, shipple my nipple, rockle my Coleridgele
(what the hell did I just say?)
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/02/2009 02:58 PM
(what the hell did I just say?)
I think you said, "I'm just gonna talk a bunch of stupid Shakespeare, I wonder if they will notice?"
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0 votes
0.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/02/2009 04:48 PM
Heh. One of my first blind dates, went about as bad. This bitch was like maybe 40 years old, not Jabba the Hut, but definately outweighed me. We met in a bar where she immediately pounded the beer I got her and started demanding more and pounding them sticking me with the bill. She knocked back about 4 in 15 minutes and talked about her ex who 'stole body parts'. I never asked her to elaborate, but later convinced myself she was referring to automotive parts. She also claimed to have a daughter from some dude from Def Leopard which apparently no one on Earth knew about but her(saw a picture, she was Frost-ing hot!). I excused myself to the 'restroom' within 15 minutes, and desperately called my roommate to pick me up and I'd pay any speeding tickets, just don't stop till he got here. He was there in 5 minutes thank God, we tore out of the parking lot like we stole something as she chased me wondering where I was going.
The silver lining is that within 2 months, I Frosted her smoking hot goth(go figure) daughter after she came over to my house with a bottle of tequila. All in all it was totally worth it. Glad I stuck in there past the 10 minute mark when she pulled out the daughter picture.
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0 votes
0.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/02/2009 06:53 PM
The silver lining is that within 2 months, I Frosted her smoking hot goth(go figure) daughter after she came over to my house with a bottle of tequila. All in all it was totally worth it. Glad I stuck in there past the 10 minute mark when she pulled out the daughter picture.
Liar, I thought you Reverands were all abstaining and Shakespeare. Then again there are the little boys....
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.3
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Millie 116,988 28
08/02/2009 09:59 PM
I love the way you guys talk as if you really have options as far as dating goes. Good for you!
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.2
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Thud 68,511 19
08/02/2009 10:02 PM
They have options, Millie. The more cash they offer, the more options they have.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/03/2009 02:04 AM
That was really funny Millie.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Chix is in da house 286,621 61
08/03/2009 05:13 AM
I too must repeat this line.:
"Thank you ma'am.", She said as she sat down and ruined our couch springs.
Henry David Thoreau weaps with jealousy.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/03/2009 09:19 AM
I love the way you guys talk as if you really have options as far as dating goes. Good for you!
It's not that I think I have better options. It's all about setting expectations.
Instead of:
"I look like Lisa Bonet"
if she would have said:
"I look like I ATE Lisa Bonet."
...I wouldn't have been so shocked when I opened the door.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/03/2009 09:31 AM
Bill, you're right. Macka is mine. STEP OFF!
Also, I totally want to BE Macka's Mom. I should be so lucky to be able to Coleridge-block for my son one day. Awesome!
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/03/2009 10:06 AM
Thank you?
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Lord Biffington 181 5
08/03/2009 12:40 PM
same situation happened to me.. almost every detail. Just change phone to internet, and omit the wigger part.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/03/2009 05:37 PM
Henry David Thoreau weaps with jealousy.
This is true. I can't stand his work; it makes me want to thoreau up.
His Mommy and Sister brought him lunch everyday while living that year in the park.
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0 votes
0.0
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Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/03/2009 07:09 PM
Does that mean you didn't like it?
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/04/2009 01:52 AM
Yes macka that's exactly what it means.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/04/2009 07:31 AM
"thanks",, I replied. "you've got a mole just like you said you did.",
Nice save.
Also, I like the cut of your 90's slang, if you know what I mean.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ali_Legend 844 7
08/04/2009 05:32 PM
Close. I was the only wigger. All my friends were actually black.
I was like a piece of salt, lost in the pepper shaker.
5 clickies right thar
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm, Virgil's Robot 6,348 4
08/04/2009 05:38 PM
Macka 2.0
08/03/2009 07:09 PM
Does that mean you didn't like it?
peoriagrace
08/04/2009 01:52 AM
Yes macka that's exactly what it means.
At least she's not extremely touchy about weight issues.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/04/2009 06:14 PM
You were talking about Thoreau? The article was funny.
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0 votes
0.0
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A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
08/04/2009 06:37 PM
Great article. But you failed to mention how her being blind played into the story.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bob Monkeypimp III 460 0
08/08/2009 08:23 AM
More like your ONLY date ever. And she would have to be blind and have no sense of smell so she can't smell the baby Shakespeare on your Coleridge.
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