The Ambien Experience...at a glance
A comedy article
by Gleeeem  226  4
08/03/2009 08:34 AM 441 views
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Ahh Ambien, it has been identified as one of those drugs that lower anyone’s inhibitions in as little at 5 minutes. I should probably make it clear: This drug works, very well. My wife has a few health issues and Ambien is able to provide her with that sweet release called sleep.
However...
There is a wonderful window of opportunity between the time she takes the Ambien to the time she’s lying on her side, happily drooling on her hug pillow (me, most of the time...did you know drool can bleach some type of colors as well as skin?)
So, for those of you that have experienced Ambien, or experienced those taking Ambien, You know what I'm talking about. Here are a few of my favorites:
-After taking her Ambien, my wife looks at me with those eyes. You know, the eyes that you can FEEL even if you aren’t looking at her? Well, she looks at me, looks down to my naked “Johanson” and back at me.
As she squints her eyes in apparent concentration she declares “I never realized you have biscuits on your penis.”
She then promptly pats my manhood, smiles, and goes to sleep. Yeast infection fear? Indeed.
-Another episode was a little less calm. She tends to slur as bad as she does when quaffing a multitude of adult beverages when she’s on the “A.” One night she was slurring up a storm, talking about God knows what. I kept looking at her and laughing much as I would have if she were sober. A mask of rage covers her and she gets up to go in the guest bedroom and turns the TV on, obviously upset that I’ve dared to laugh at her shenanigans.
A couple of minutes later I walk into the guest bedroom (knowing that short term memory loss is another great side effect of the drug and she’ll never remember getting mad at me) to see how she is doing and if she wants to come to bed.
As I peer in, I notice odd sounds emanating from the TV. What the heck is it? It’s Spanish! Her eyes are full of glee when she announces that she “is watching Spanish porn on HBO, isn’t that great??”
-The final story involves her at one of her most diluted. We had a few glasses of wine before bed which is never a good idea before taking Ambien. We head upstairs and she pops that lovely, tiny, pill and I prepare for another night of humor.
As I’m reading my book, she puts her book away, takes off her glasses, flops on her side, and stares at me. Hubboy...this is the Ambien ‘I have something to say to you’ position. So, I close my book, shore myself up, and turn to her.
“Whhhhy are yooo weering your glassssssessss?”
“Dear, I’m not wearing my glasses, I have my contacts in.”
“Nooooo, I shhhwear, you’re weering your glassssssesss.”
Little did I know that even though she slurs like a 60 year old wino in downtown Kansas City, she still retains the reflexes of a panther. Not knowing that at the time, I have no reason to put up any defenses.
Big mistake.
In an instant, her finger dashes toward my eye, dedicated to proving that I have my glasses on. She pokes me in the eye once, twice, three times before I can realize that this woman, the woman that I love, is about to disengage my eye from its socket!
I cover up my eye, screaming “what the hell are you doing??”
She furrows her brow, lightly shakes her head, and states, “those glasses suck.”
As she rolls over and falls asleep, I realize....this must be posted. So here I sit, red eye throbbing the morning after, tell you all about it!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
9 votes
3.6
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0 votes
0.0
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Chix is in da house 286,621  61
08/03/2009 08:59 AM
Does ambien also turn "" into ee?
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Amusing
3 votes
1.7
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KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/03/2009 08:59 AM
Nope, that's MS Word. An equally nefarious drug.
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0 votes
0.0
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Gleeeem 226 4
08/03/2009 10:31 AM
I've been taken in by the debil...damn you Word...
and damn me for trying to use the evil grammar and spell check..
damn everything!
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/03/2009 10:35 AM
I've been taken in by the debil...damn you Word...
Yup that spell check works great!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/03/2009 05:42 PM
I've been taken in by the debil...damn you Word...
and damn me for trying to use the evil grammar and spell check..
damn everything!
Should have said it was because of your eye.
Funny though, I gave you a 5.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/04/2009 07:48 AM
Funny though, I gave you a 5.
Yea, but you give everyone a 5.
By the way, I'm waiting.
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0 votes
0.0
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Gleeeem 226 4
08/05/2009 09:17 AM
Is there no edit? Is my shame to stay here forever? This is like the forum magic marker of doom newb...
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/05/2009 09:40 AM
No take-sies back-sies!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1836321
Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/05/2009 09:57 AM
I'm waiting for my High-5. Don't leave me hanging!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/06/2009 02:16 AM
Yea, but you give everyone a 5.
No I don't only, 1991.
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