The Dating Life of a 38 Year Old Laptop Model
A comedy article
by Clive McClure  1,300  5
08/03/2009 12:50 PM 628 views
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Origins of dating
It's no secret that I'm a divorced 38 year old male with an Asian woman addiction. Unfortunately for me, that addiction has caused much suffering and gnashing of teeth. Before marrying an Asian, I was truly not interested in Asian women in the least. I dated tens of tens of women - white, black and other. I had Asian friends in high school but was just not interested in the Asian variety of women. College changed that. As a scholarship distance runner majoring in information technology in the early nineties, I was admittedly quite popular with the ladies. I mean who wouldn't want to date a 5'10" 135 pound hulk of a college athlete with the mind of Stephen Hawking? The answer - a negligible 98% of all women in a five state area. Fortunately for me though, the Japanese exchange students thought of me as handsome or at least I thought. Later on my Japanese wife would confess that she married me because I was funny, not because I was good looking. I wooed her by learning Japanese. "This could come in handy," I thought all while studying the finer points of my new language.
As I grew into my lanky frame through a constant diet of beer and junk food, I became more attractive to women, especially Asian women. Soon, my ego grew and in short order, I cheated on my Japanese wife with a Korean woman. She (Korean) grew up in the Midwest had a wonderful accent which was just like her chest - flat. I was then divorced and my new Asian woman (Korean) attempted to kill me so away to jail she went for the third time (2 before me). I found myself alone so I turned to the Internet to find a new love.
I dated a half Korean, half Irish woman which was fun for a couple of weeks until I found out she was married. Scary.
I then moved on to a Cambodian woman who was crazier than the last two, admitting that she was a gold digger with bad gambling & alcohol consumption habits. That lasted one night.
I dated a Chinese woman who wanted me to father a baby with her but didn't want to commit to a long term relationship. I didn't even get to the baby making practice field with that one for fear of her father, the Chinese Army Colonel who had broken Chinese law to have three daughters in hopes of creating the next Genghis Khan.
 
Next in line was the sweet 44 year old never been married lady from Taiwan.
She was beautiful and I couldn't imagine why she had never walked down the aisle of death before. Her small, athletic frame was inviting but the initial date left me disgruntled as she rambled on for 125 uninterrupted minutes. She talked about everything from the difference between Chicken Buzzards and Hawks to how beautiful Coral snakes were to her.
Buzzard
Hawk
(the difference? They face different directions when posing for pictures)
None of the subjects she brought up crossed into my areas of expertise so I just sat there throughout the excruciating dinner wondering how she could eat so quickly that I couldn't speak a single word in response. I chalked the nervous chatter up to my intimidating good looks and supreme intelligence.
Our next date was the movie "Max Payne". I eagerly anticipated the movie as a few years earlier I became a master Max Payne gamer. My bullet time skills were beyond reproach and Marky Mark was the perfect actor for the role of Max. I nearly missed the movie as she was late. Then the talking began. Even when I put my hand next to my face to silence her with my gamer skill, she persisted. If I were a blind person, she couldn't have described the movie for me any better. Every scene was portrayed in vivid detail by the 110 pound woman to my left. After the movie was over, I told her goodbye without so much as a kiss and ran for my car, never to email her again.
Finally, there was Nan, the blonde Thai woman who worked at none other than a Thai restaurant.
She wasn't beautiful but wasn't ugly and I was getting desperate for another taste of Asian honey so I broke down and asked her out. The night began with the downing of three dirty martinis - by her. (I had one beer in that short 4.3 minute period). "At this rate, it's going to cost me," I thought as I sat there staring at her in her self professed "good" sweat shirt. A mere 1.3 hours and six drinks later, we were done with dinner. I paid the $90 bill and ushered her to the door. Amazingly, she wasn't quite drunk but she definitely wasn't sober. Her volume had risen way past reasonable and I could see that her amp went all the way to eleven.
She begged and pleaded with her unusually large Asian breasts bouncing under the sweatshirt that we get another drink. Fear mixed with the hint of a first date encounter so I went with it.
After another three or four drinks, she was finally visiting the bathroom for the first time. Upon her return, I swore that her breasts had somehow withered away. "Was this woman some sort of Asian camel breast hybrid?" I asked myself.
Just then, Metallica blared into life over the sound system. Nan broke into a pseudo head banging rage while playing air guitar. I looked around the bar to see if anyone had seen this unusual activity. The music stopped and crickets chirped as Nan held up her two fingered hand gesture in defiance. She was a rock star for exactly 4 minutes and 32 seconds and everyone in the bar was staring. She didn't mind the stares. In fact, she reveled in the attention.
The music started back up and as if by cue, she broke into a two minute tirade of rock star cursing directed at me. I shrunk up in more than one place fearing what this woman was going to do next. Unlike most sarcastic jokers, she failed to laugh or indicate that it had been a joke.
A poor British accent was next on the psycho menu that night. I conned her into leaving by pretending I had more drinks in the car all while she went on with the worst British/Coleridgeney/Australian accent one could put forth.
 
I finally got her to the car and drove almost 100 mph through the city streets to get her home. The accent continued all the way to her house. I stared straight ahead for most of the trip doing my best not to execute a reverse Jackie Chan kick over my right shoulder while speeding. I wasn't warmed up and feared pulling a muscle I rationalized. Before she left my car, she demanded that I kiss her on the cheek. Wow, bonus. I followed instructions accurately and she left my car. I changed my phone number the next day and disinfected the passenger seat.
I've since seen a doctor and I'm taking anti-Asian pills. Next up, my attempt to date white women through the many Internet dating sites.
CMC
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Like This? Rate It!
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Chuckleworthy
8 votes
2.7
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Maruti Driver. With healthy nuts! 360  10
08/03/2009 01:12 PM
Ok, let me understand this: You're old, asian women chase you and now you're popping xanax or something. Yeah.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
08/03/2009 01:41 PM
I gave you clickies for dating all these psychopaths ALONE!
Funny stuff, thanks for submitting.
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0 votes
0.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/03/2009 05:24 PM
I never finished it. Did it ever get funny?
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/03/2009 05:31 PM
Dude, why are you so afraid to be happy? Get some help to pick out girls to date. Ask a female who is a friend. Good luck.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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steamy stool 235 4
08/03/2009 05:50 PM
38 year old laptop model? I think I found your problem, it's time for a new laptop. Being that old, it's got to be a bitch to surf the interweb. You can probably only check out like one profile an hour.
Oh wait, it says 'The Dating Life OF a 38 year old laptop model' not 'The Dating Life ON a 38 year old laptop model', never mind. In that case it's worthless... get a gun.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Azeroth Exile 129 4
08/03/2009 06:42 PM
You should come to my town. We have a population of only 100k yet there are 2 Asian massage parlors.
You may not find true love, but you could rent it in 15 minute intervals.
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