The Infiltrator: Jeopardy Audition
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon | 08/04/2009 01:36 PM | 4447 views
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Inside the lot at Sony Studios, fifty smart people are waiting to audition for Jeopardy! They bear an uncanny resemblance to, well, people you would see on Jeopardy! Needless to say, I'm the only one with dreadlocks in a T-shirt who's unshaven and hungover.
Breakfast.
While waiting, I pull out flash cards and hone my Jeopardy! skills. Silently, I read a card, then scream the answers at the top of my lungs: "Boise, Idaho! ... Roddy McDowall! ... Yarmulke!"
People stare at me until a man who looks like a game show host herds us inside a large soundstage: It's the Jeopardy! set, and it looks just like it does on TV ... only closer.
"How many of you play Jeopardy! at home?" asks the man who looks like a game show host. All the smart people raise their hands.
"How many of you don't wait for Alex to finish the clues?" The fifty smart people give a hearty laugh; they're guilty of this crime. Yes. They're laughing now, but in a few minutes some will fall victim to Jeopardy! social Darwinism, when a little pop quiz separates those who move on to the next level from those who move on to the parking lot.
I twirl my complimentary Jeopardy! pen and start praying for my strongest category. "Things That End in Rrrrrr." Unfortunately, the first question concerns two lakes in a place I've never heard of. I write down "Bing Crosby." The next question asks for the name of some Pope. I write "Bing Crosby." I answer the next three questions with "Bing Crosby" as well.
And then disaster strikes: The questions get harder, and my complimentary Jeopardy! pen stops working properly. My career as a game show guerrilla looks bleak, until I get an epiphany: I'll cheat. The guy in front of me looks real smart.
They correct the tests, and lo and behold: I'm a survivor. Guess I picked the right guy to cheat off of. There are eleven of us left; three quarters of the group have beards. The only woman is the obligatory smart grandmother from a small town in Texas.
"Growing up, I used to play Jeopardy! with my mom," says a large guy with a beard. "She died last November. So I'm doing this as a tribute to my mom." Everyone applauds. The man to my left stands up and says he was a prosecutor in the Rwanda War Crimes tribunal.
Then the guy who looks like a host asks me to introduce myself. "I have a unique hobby," I explain. "I have a large collection of small ceramic figurines. Some date all the way back to 1978. Right now I have more than six figurines in my collection!" Blank stares.
Contestant's-eye view.
In groups of three we go up and play a simulated round on the real live Jeopardy! set. The categories are Physics, Incredible Edibles, and Legal Lingo. I buzz in at every opportunity.
"This person was the 1968 candidate for the American Independent Party," the host says.
I buzz in. "It's inertia!" Not only is it the wrong answer, but as any moron knows, Jeopardy! is played by phrasing the answer as a question.
"In China, these fiber spinning caterpillars are stir-fried."
I buzz in. "It's the silkworm."
"Remember, phrase it in the form of a question," the host says.
"Is it silkworms?"
He frowns.
"It's silkworms, isn't it?"
"Give it one more try," he says.
I get a distant look in my eyes. "Silkworms???"
While I had fun infiltrating the auditions, I'm sorry to report that I didn't make the smarty-pants Jeopardy cut, I'm not going to give up. Look for me next week as I infiltrate the TV dating show Blind Date.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
25 votes
4.0
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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John Hargrave
08/04/2009 01:38 PM
I am possibly the world's worst Jeopardy player. I always feel guilty about this until I realize that there is no use for 90% of the information on Jeopardy except to play on Jeopardy.
Funny article -- thanks for putting yourself on the line so that others might laugh.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Whistler P. McManus
08/04/2009 02:36 PM
I'll take Hilarious for $1000, Alex.
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0 votes
0.0
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A Marinating Sash
08/04/2009 07:32 PM
Great article! I was going to give you full clickies until I read you have dreadlocks.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Redwing
08/05/2009 12:45 AM
Host: "It's a slang term for a caucasian that has dreadlocks."
Harmon Leon: "Who is a whigger?"
Host: "You are white boy, now off the set!
Good arcticle, I used to love to watch Jeopardy. It made me feel good to know that at least I wasn't the guy that had to leave the set because he was at negative five hundred and couldn't play final jeopardy.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.2
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Whistler P. McManus
08/05/2009 01:41 AM
Host: "It's a slang term for a caucasian that has dreadlocks."
Harmon Leon: "Who is a whigger?"
Host: "Correct! We would also have accepted 'what is an attention-seeking arrested adolescent.'"
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0 votes
0.0
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KChikita Banana Box
08/06/2009 12:34 PM
I still watch Jeopardy.
Also, why does everyone pronounce it wrong? Everyone I know pronounces it "Jep-ro-dee", when it's actually "Jep-ahr-dee".
Yeah yeah, I'm guilty of pronouncing it "Jep-ro-dee" too. Shaddup!
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0 votes
0.0
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Count Ravos
08/06/2009 01:44 PM
Wait, Jep? Where's Jep?
Damnit, you got my hopes up woman.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave
10/21/2009 04:39 PM
Bump!
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