KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/04/2009 01:13 PM

1. How to Remove Ear Wax

2. Get to washin'!

3. Wait, so what are you going to do with the baby while you're washing the windows? Let her chew on electrical cords! BAD DADDY! BAD!

Straw Trekkin Across the Universe 98,019 37
08/04/2009 01:15 PM

I'm upset because a video I've been waiting to see for months now is finally up on the internetz, but because my work computer doesn't have the most updated flash player, I have to wait till I get home to see it. Meanwhile I have to avoid the message board where the people fortunate enough to see it are talking about it.

And no I'm not going to tell you what video it is because I am well aware of how cruel you people are.

steamy stool 235 4
08/04/2009 01:16 PM

My ass is so hairy that I'm always getting dingle berries. No matter how much I wipe there's no way to get it all. How I long for a bidet, but I don't want to be labeled as some elite European type.

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
08/04/2009 01:18 PM

Water picks make excellent ear wax removers. Seriously. Safe too.

MungChamp 35,891 35
08/04/2009 01:31 PM

I had a dirty stripper put her gawd awful beef drapes in my face at a bachelor party in Montreal. The smell was so bad I only came twice I vomited in my Poutine late night.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/04/2009 01:32 PM

My ass is so hairy that I'm always getting dingle berries.


Shower. Barring that, baby wipes. Sadly, I speak from experience.









And don't worry, kids, the baby will be happy to sit in her wagon and watch me wash the windows. Although it's clouding up again...

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/04/2009 01:34 PM

Water picks make excellent ear wax dingleberry removers. Seriously. Safe too.

Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
08/04/2009 01:41 PM

My life is great!

Suck on that, losers!

Frogpop 173,153 25
08/04/2009 01:41 PM

I'm going to tell you my complaints, and then I'm going to tell you mine.

I'd like to complain that this thread seems a little self-centered.

Frogpop 173,153 25
08/04/2009 01:42 PM

and repetitive with redundancy.

KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/04/2009 01:42 PM

You noticed that too?

Mothcleaner 4,106 10
08/04/2009 03:35 PM

My complaints:

1. How to How to keep your boyfriends Coleridge out of your ear:

2. Pee on them.

3. Get a fabric bag (not plastic, suffocation is bad.) put baby in bag, hang bag on hanger hook in car. Problem solved!

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/04/2009 03:49 PM

Okay. Things are looking up.

First of all, I washed the Frost-ing windows. Did a good job, too. I even got out the ladder and did the upstairs windows the right way.

Next, I tried the internet earwax removal strategy. That didn't work. So I called my wife (she's a nurse). She thinks it's not wax, but fluid inside the eardrum. She's bringing home an otoscope, and told me to take a decongestant.

The baby slept through the window washing. And the moustache trimming. Yes, I trimmed my moustache. Because when my wife sees the clean windows and the trimmed facial hair, there will be some fife playing around here, if you know what I mean.

I still need ice cream.

Frost you, Froggie.
Frost you, Froggie.

KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/04/2009 03:50 PM

I have to pee.

Gleeeem 226 4
08/04/2009 04:23 PM

I hate that Whistler is funny. He's funny all the time. All the God damn time. I read, I laugh. I laugh thinking of reading. I laugh when I see the stupid ass tomato.

I hate that I love Whistler.

Oh, and I tried the dingleberry fix...

I hate having water-picks stuck up my ass. And still on. High. And I hate that I have to keep filling up the water well.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/04/2009 04:43 PM

I'm pretty pissed off because some guy I was nice enough to give him and his kid a ride to still has not picked up his damn car seats he left in my car. I can't do anything with them because I don't even have kids.

On the bright side, he left some ice cream in the car which I very much enjoyed eating.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/04/2009 05:16 PM

How to keep your boyfriends Coleridge out of your ear:


Why is he putting it in there? Maybe because all the other holes are stretched out?

Alarm, Virgil's Robot 6,348 4
08/04/2009 05:28 PM

How to How to keep your boyfriends Coleridge out of your ear:

"But what if I go deaf?"

"I've been coming down your throat all these years and you ain't shut up yet!"

Folken 129 4
08/04/2009 05:36 PM

I hate being in a bus (again) and not be able to fart since a female co-worker is on the other seat, and no, I'm not going to do it anyway, it's her 2nd day at job, I'll wait until tomorrow.

Alarm, Virgil's Robot 6,348 4
08/04/2009 05:41 PM

She's that hot, eh?

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
08/04/2009 05:46 PM

I laugh when I see the stupid ass tomato.

It's an edward g robinson christmas ornament.

Folken 129 4
08/04/2009 05:54 PM

She's that hot, eh?

Sort of, our customer said after the lunch "what was her lastname? datass?"

Alarm, Virgil's Robot 6,348 4
08/04/2009 10:05 PM

Frost-ing stupid rainbows. Always showing off, giving little kids hope, using all the colors, hording all that gold. Use light like normal you Frost-ing selfish refractions.

Chance<3singing Mahna Mahna 2 Dits 171,275 14
08/04/2009 10:26 PM

I put peroxide in my ears cause I cant stand dirty ears...it bubbles if your ears are dirty. Mine rarely bubbles, which pisses me off cause I like it when it bubbles...then I finish off with a q-tip for the perfect eargasm.

Some people think this makes me weird. I guess thats my complaint.

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,348 4
08/04/2009 11:29 PM

Whistler P. McManus
08/04/2009 03:49 PM

Frost you, Froggie.
Frost you, Froggie.

Not complaining, but please sit on another part of your body, besides your ass, and fart on yourself, twice. A deal's a deal. Cursing something or someone is a form of complaining.

Nice job complaining about the thread Frogpop, very productive.

Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/05/2009 07:31 AM

Because when my wife sees the clean windows and the trimmed facial hair, there will be some fife playing around here, if you know what I mean.

I am assuming you actually mean fife playing.

KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/05/2009 08:48 AM

What the hell is up with all the old bumped threads?

And what's up with airline peanuts??

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,348 4
08/05/2009 02:31 PM

What the hell is up with all the old bumped threads?

And what's up with airline peanuts??

STD spammer.

The plane, crew, luggage, and passengers.

Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/06/2009 08:11 AM

This isn't a complain, so much as it is a question.

Where can I find the funny threads? I was told there would be some here.

Crash Test Nipples 2,207 7
08/06/2009 12:04 PM

then I finish off with a q-tip for the perfect eargasm.

Ahh the Q-tip. Nature's little guilty pleasure. Made for cleaning the ear canal, yet clearly states that you should not use it for cleaning your ear canal.

That's like the trunk of a car saying "Warning! Not for dead hooker storage!"

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/06/2009 12:12 PM

Last night, while doing some unrelated web surfing, I saw a medical column that said cleaning your ears with a waterpik often results in ruptured eardrums.

My hearing is coming back, I think. I would guess I have about 25% of the normal hearing in my right ear. I bought four half gallons of ice cream this morning. And somehow I missed three windows when I was cleaning them. So I'm posting here, eating ice cream, listening to music and hoping for rain.

Crash Test Nipples 2,207 7
08/06/2009 02:32 PM

I bought four half gallons of ice cream this morning. And somehow I missed three windows when I was cleaning them. So I'm posting here, eating ice cream, listening to music and hoping for rain.

It took you 2 days to get ice cream? Oh, right.. the whole uphill both ways in the snow thing.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/06/2009 03:44 PM

I've got a complaint! I'm sure the answer has been provided in another thread but, I'm to lazy to look it up.


I was just at The Chinese place in line waiting to order my food. A very cute girl was right in of me and had a short dress on. Now I'm not one to ogle cute women, but I will quickly glance at them like any straight man with a penis. As I glanced over, she was "Adjusting" her g-string(giving me a great ass shot) and my eyes stayed there a moment longer than usual. She then looked up at me and said, "What the hell are you looking at?".

I wanted to say, "I was looking at your ass, since you were flashing the whole line back here", but I didn't. I did however start to chuckle. She stormed out in a huff. Bitch.

Ladies: Why show your ass, or your vajayjay, or even your breasts, if you don't want them looked at?

steamy stool 235 4
08/06/2009 04:05 PM

Ladies: Why show your ass, or your vajayjay, or even your breasts, if you don't want them looked at?

Even though I'm no lady (no matter how much I like to dress like one), I don't think it has anything to do with not wanting to be looked at. I think it's just an excuse for them to be bitches anytime anyone looks at them. Can I get a 'Hell Yeah' from all the women in the house.

I are Nipples 2,207 7
08/06/2009 04:47 PM

Ladies: Why show your ass, or your vajayjay, or even your breasts, if you don't want them looked at?

5 clickies for absolute rightness.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/06/2009 05:02 PM

Women like that are just trashy Bill. A classy lady would ask politely if you would hold her place in line; so she can go to the bathroom and pull the buttfloss out.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/06/2009 10:10 PM

I'm not one to ogle cute women

If that's really true (and I doubt it), you're guilty of the biggest waste of a blind wife ever.


Also, if you're ever busted eyeballing a cutie and she reacts in an unpleasant manner, saying, "What are you looking at," this is what you do. Continue looking, and pick out the one thing you think she might recognize as her own biggest flaw. Then say, "You. I love a girl with nice thick legs," or whatever else the flaw might be.

Just be ready to run, or to get hit.

Thud 68,511 19
08/06/2009 10:22 PM

Also, if you're ever busted eyeballing a cutie and she reacts in an unpleasant manner, saying, "What are you looking at," this is what you do. Continue looking, and pick out the one thing you think she might recognize as her own biggest flaw. Then say, "You. I love a girl with nice thick legs," or whatever else the flaw might be.

No, if you get caught looking you just tell your wife that you're looking for a future ex-Mrs. Squirrel.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/07/2009 08:48 AM

I'm not one to ogle cute women

If that's really true (and I doubt it), you're guilty of the biggest waste of a blind wife ever.


I didn't say I don't look. I'm just not into staring like I'm undressing them with my eyes. Besides, why look at fully clothed women when I can sit in the same room with my wife, watch porn and she'll never know?

Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/07/2009 11:01 AM

If you get caught looking, just ask them if they like to gamble...

Pubah 56,833 18
08/08/2009 09:55 AM

Complaint:
1. Recently, I don't see fine details up close, so I use cheater glasses. That's very annoying. Especially when someone shoves something in my face and says, "read this".

2. Like Sir Whistler, I don't hear so well anymore. I catch myself saying, "What" and "Excuse me" much more lately...but I still know good music when I hear it...annoying

c. Women who wear low cut tops, push up bras and sheer blouses that get upset when you have trouble maintaining eye contact. Sheeesh, ya got a nice rack...it's a compliment that I can't stop staring at them!

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
08/08/2009 10:06 AM

Plus there's that whole 1, 2, c thing.

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
08/08/2009 10:12 AM

But I really have to agree on the "c" point. And not just the ones who might get upset. Some KNOW they do it and enjoy the fact that you have to struggle to keep your eyes off the 6" of cleavage they are displaying so prominently between their taylored business jackets. Outside, all business suit. Just barely visible, a touch of lace, some creamy skin, and a lawsuit.

Damn this hardwired visual stimulation.

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
08/08/2009 10:13 AM

Course, maybe as #1 becomes a factor, C. won't be as much of a problem.

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Zolton 88,214 34
08/08/2009 10:31 AM

Course, maybe as #1 becomes a factor, C. won't be as much of a problem.

Nah, as someone whose contact prescription has gotten stronger over the years, it actually works the opposite. Sometimes you really have to lean in and squint to get a good look.

This girl at McDonald's the other day was working with a couple of extra buttons loose on her uni. By the time she asked if I wanted fries with my sammich, I was practically motorboating her.

It wasn't my fault, really. I suspect the girl had 'supersized'.

Pubah 56,833 18
08/08/2009 09:23 PM

A. Unsyncronized stoplights. Imagine the money saved, the environment preserved and the frustration avoided...longer lives to be had by all.

B. Confederate flags in Oklahoma: Oklahoma wasn't even a STATE during the Great War Between the States.

3. Chix now that he's a Presidential and Shakespeare

I are Nipples 2,207 7
08/10/2009 11:43 AM

Saturday night, I'm hangin' out on the couch, enjoying some tequila with a Sprite chaser cuz I'm all fancy n Shakespeare. I didn't bother to put the lid back on the Sprite because I didn't want to open and close it every time I wanted to take a drink out of it(like I said, I'm a straight up baller).

My girlfriend walks over to turn on the lamp and knocks the 2 liter over and spills it all over the table, the couch, and me.

When she realizes what she did she immediately yells "Well why didn't you put the lid on it!?", because of course, it was my fault she wasn't watching what she was doing. I promptly apologized to her for her spilling soda all over the place, and continued my journey to a hangover.

How the Frost do women use this wizardry to turn anything they do wrong into your fault?

Dude, Where's My Lobstah? 18,570 33
08/10/2009 12:10 PM

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a stomach ache. Suspecting that I was extra hungry, I made breakfast: bacon, French toast, eggs, cantaloupe chunks, and orange juice.

I ate the delicious feast.

20 minutes later, I was still having the infernal stomach ache, so I took a poop.

It didn't help.

Now today I have diarrhea. What the hell did I do to you, stomach?

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
08/10/2009 12:18 PM

I have some complaints.


Lately I've gotten so rotund that I get out of breath while wiping my ass. I dont have trouble with dingleberrys like the Gabber above. But, I do have trouble with my button itching a lot. And when Im in public and it itches I dont know what to do. First, if I'm sitting down, I shift my butt cheeks from side to side to try to get at the itch. Which dont work most of the time because as you all know, its a deep down dirty itch. If no ones around I try to itch it through my pants but that dont work. So I plunge my hand between my pants and underware and I itch away. A lot of time, this works. It may ruin the underware and make my hand smelly but at least my Play-Dough Fun Factory dont itch anymore.

Which brings me to my second complaint, Stink hand. Now that my pucker hole dont itch for the time being, my hand is not smelling like strawberries and roses. It smells more like....I dont know...smells more like Shakespeare. What do I do when I am not near a bathroom to wash my hand? Do I just try to cover up the stank with perfume or Lysol? I mean the smell may be gone, but my hand is still tainted. Should I rub some dirt on it? Or try to walk it off?

Another complaint I have is I am now offically a "Dicky-Do". A "Dicky-Do" is when your stomach sticks out futher then your dicky do. Even when my stomach was flat I had a "dicky-do". So I've been F'd in the A from the start I guess. Besides all the women I been with, after seeing my tally-wacker for the first time, have all said that size doesnt matter, once they stopped pointing and laughing hysterically.

And I'm sad.... My priest told me yesterday that there is no Jelly Fish Heaven!

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,348 4
08/10/2009 12:51 PM

Advice: Shemp, the itching is probably from drinking. I'm telling you, cocoa butter. Plus you can get it scented. Plus, you can use it for...

Another Complaint: All the ex-cons and mojados at work only whistle and cat-call at me at work and won't do it in front of my girlfriend or at Wal-Mart.

Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/10/2009 02:10 PM

Shemp, hand sanitizer or wet-naps. Or both.

You're welcome.

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
08/10/2009 04:20 PM

Shemp, hand sanitizer or wet-naps. Or both.



I can hardly afford my crack and gin, how the hell am I gonna afford fancy-smancy hand sanitizer or ritzy-Shakespearezy wet-naps?

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/10/2009 06:05 PM

If you couldn't afford the crack, you shouldn't have eaten so much food fat ass. Then you wouldn't need the butt wipes.

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
08/11/2009 06:58 PM

I got fat at the soup kitchen. They got killer vittles.

Juan Campos 1,173 5
08/12/2009 12:08 AM

Ugh, the LAST thing we need is another faux-homeless poster.

Millie 116,988 28
08/12/2009 06:44 AM

You don't have to homeless to enjoy a good, free meal!

Millie 116,988 28
08/12/2009 06:49 AM

Where did my "be" go?

Oh, and my complaint is against stupid people. I realize people only have so much control over their intelligence and some can't help being stupid, but I see people every day who, if they would just stop and think before opening their mouths, they'd see how dumb they're being.

Well, most of the time. Because sometimes, even when they DO say the stupidest Shakespeare, they still don't get that they are being dumb, or understand the answer.

Also, that saying that there are no stupid questions? WRONG. The stupidest questions are the ones people ask because they are lazy Frosts who just don't want to think for themselves or are not paying attention.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/12/2009 01:26 PM

Personally I hate stupid answers.

FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
08/13/2009 02:39 AM

I've lurked this goddamn thread long enough. I shall have a moan.

1. I hate hypercritical friends who moan that their boyfriend is/probably is cheating on them and then they go and try to cosy on up to my boyfriend. HELLO???!


Ok. Just 1.
I shall add later after I've been released from jail for assault.


Laterzzzzzzzzz

Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
08/13/2009 07:29 AM

Laterzzzzzzzzz

I just wanted to point out this blatant abusebrilliant use of the 'z' key.

Carry on.

FunkyMunkyPunkySpunky 316 4
08/13/2009 07:55 AM

Sorry,
My finger got stuck on the z key (although should have possibly been aiming for the s) due to a surge of adrenaline into my index finger. I shall use the energy to punch my 'friend' repeatedly in the face put it to better use next time.

Chance 171,275 14
08/13/2009 08:55 AM

Gag me with a spork.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/13/2009 09:26 AM

My latest complaint is against hot n00b chicks who casually drop a mention of their boyfriend into a post. Have a little respect, alright?

FunkyMunkyPunkySpunky 316 4
08/13/2009 09:41 AM

My latest complaint is against n00b chicks who casually drop a mention of their boyfriend into a post. Have a little respect, alright?

The relationship's in its early stages. He's still on trial...
I've lurked this forum longer than he's been using that pickup line he tried on me.
He can never replace the daily Zug loving I get at work every day.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/13/2009 09:49 AM

Okay, but your name is too long, and you need a nickname. I shall call you "Weezy".

Disco Bob 4,322 8
08/13/2009 09:56 AM

My latest complaint is against hot n00b chicks who casually drop a mention of their boyfriend into a post. Have a little respect, alright?

You now must fart on yourself a second time.

subhuman 576 4
08/13/2009 10:32 AM

When I left work this morning, I was ranked 69 (tee hee hee). Now I'm not.

Pubah 56,833 18
08/13/2009 05:31 PM

Dear Chance,
Somebody said Pubah would joyfully gag you...but not with a spork.
Letcherously yours,
Pubah

FunkyMunkyPunkySpunky 316 4
08/14/2009 01:59 AM

I hate that Friday quickly turns into Monday where everything inbetween is such a blur.

Last weekend I ended up with a broken foot, bruises up my leg and a boyfriend I don't remember getting. I hope those incidents aren't connected.

I love my life.

subhuman 576 4
08/14/2009 10:33 AM

FunkyMunkyPunkySpunky, you just need to drink more during the week. And shorten your name.

subhuman 576 4
08/14/2009 01:08 PM

My first couple of days here, I zoomed up from #150-something in the rankings up into the 30s. I was sure that by Monday I'd have toppled McManus as king of the hill, by the end of next week someone would be compiling my posts into the Holy Word of Subhuman, and this time next year you'd all be lining up and I'd be handing out Kool-Aid.

Now all of a sudden, I have to earn 18 zugz to move up. What a bunch of crap! It was always onesies and twosies before. This is starting to look like effort to me, and the only effort I'm willing to make is the effort to avoid making an effort. That's my complaint.

Macka 2.0 1,491 4
08/14/2009 02:11 PM

Sorry friendo, but you've got two thing working against you, from what I've figured out.

First and foremost, you are up against some funny people who bring it on a daily basis.

The other problem is, some of the time, zugs are given to popular member because they are popular or as a reward for something said (not necesarrly because it's funny).

When in doubt, do what I do...don't care.

Hope this helps. Good luck on your climb to the top.

KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98 sniffles proudly!
08/14/2009 02:21 PM

He's growing up so fast! I remember when all he could post was "STFU" and "You don't know what funny is!".

Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/14/2009 02:56 PM

STFU, you don't know what funny is? Who do you think you are anyway, Phil Collins?

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,348 4 taps his nose
08/14/2009 08:28 PM

The other problem is, some of the time, zugs are given to popular member because they are popular...

NO! Here? I'm flabbergasted!

Well, I'm glad for it and not complaining at all. Friendship is a beautiful thing and always above the purpose of the main theme of the site anything.

... or as a reward for something said (not necesarrly because it's funny)

Touche.

*clicks Macka*