Horsing around at the office
A comedy article
by The Mailman  174,473  52
08/04/2009 10:25 PM 1744 views
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The following story happened several years ago, when I was working as an administrator for the Internet servers in a big company. I was in a team of six people, and among the equipment we managed were the outbound and incoming email gateways.
For those of you not familiar with Internet technologies, email gateway servers usually come with an account called "postmaster." The postmaster receives notification messages whenever a message is bounced back or couldn't be transmitted successfully, so the administrator can investigate what went wrong.
One day, I started to see strange emails landing in the postmaster account of the outbound email server. The emails contained large attachments and were taking a lot of space on our server, so I decided to take a closer look. Reading the email headers, I could see that all those emails were being sent by the same person to what was presumably their own Hotmail account. Unfortunately, that person's corporate email account was not authorized to send email outside of the company, and the messages kept bouncing back, with a copy sent to the postmaster account each time.
I then decided to look what kind of attachment this person kept trying to send to their personal email address. I was already hoping for a case of corporate espionage, where the guy was trying to send confidential and proprietary information to his home so he could later resell it to competitors. The spy would be clever enough to encrypt his attachments, in which case I would need specialized tools to break the ciphers and read the messages. The security geek in me was giddy with excitement when I opened the first attachment. Boy, was I wrong. No encrypted message. No confidential information. No corporate spying. The contents of the bounced message dissipated my nerdgasm faster than "Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones"
The attachment was a video that opened in full screen on my computer, with audio. It was hardcore bestiality of the grossest kind imaginable. I don't want to go into details here; suffice it to say, there were two actors in the video, one of them a horse. It would have made Tubgirl and Meatspin look like Care Bear e-greeting cards.
I thought I'd remain proper and only include "softcore bestiality" to illustrate this article.
After the shock factor wore off, I called my colleagues to tell them about my findings. They proceeded to open a few other attachments from the bounced emails. They were all bestiality videos, involving various animal species.
Somewhere in the company, a guy was spending his time looking for animal porn on the Internet and trying to send it to his personal email address. Not just that, but the guy did that for several days in a row, apparently not realizing that his emails never made it to their destination, even though they all bounced back with a unambiguous message: "you are not authorized to send emails outside of the company."
We weren't sure of what to do about the situation. We had the guy's name from his email address. I don't remember what it was, but for the sake of this article, let's call him "Sage Garrett." We also saw that the name did not appear in the corporate directory, so we concluded that he was an external employee. That meant that even if we wanted to report the guy, we had no idea of who to report him to.
We let a few days pass, and noticed that the messages stopped. We quickly forgot about the case and focused on more important things.
Fast forward to a few weeks later, I got a call from the network administrator at one of the company's subsidiaries, whom we worked quite often with. He wanted to meet with us to discuss a few things. Oh, and while he came to visit us, he would introduce us to his new colleague, a consultant that had been hired just weeks before. The consultant's name was Sage Garrett.
My jaw dropped when I heard the name on the phone. 6,000 people in the company, and the mystery guy who enjoys the X-rated versions of "Seabiscuit" and "Turner and Hooch" is someone we are going to work with?
Later that day, we met with the network administrator and his new consultant. It was hard to keep a straight face while welcoming the new guy aboard, when we knew what he had been doing during his first few weeks in the company. It was also something that was not easy to bring up, especially with his boss standing right next to him.
In the end, one of my colleagues managed to get a few minutes alone with him to warn him that what people use the Internet for in the company is monitored, and that his failed messages had been bouncing back to us. He realized what that meant and offered an embarrassed excuse about being so shocked by such gross videos that he wanted to show it to his friends. No word on why he came across those videos in the first place.
A few days later, we received a signed form from his unsuspecting boss instructing us to add Mr. Sage Garrett to the list of people allowed to send emails outside of the company.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
31 votes
4.2
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm, Virgil's Robot 6,338  4
08/04/2009 10:48 PM
That's very stand up of you and your colleagues to not report him. Kudos for the ethics.
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.2
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SHP 181,271 70
08/04/2009 11:24 PM
I paused the reading at "Sage Garrett" just to click you.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Thud 66,695 17
08/04/2009 11:36 PM
I saw that, too. I figured it had to be a coincidence.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.5
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/04/2009 11:51 PM
I paused the reading at "Sage Garrett" just to click you.
So did I! We should hang out.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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El Cherubin 2 3
08/05/2009 04:27 AM
Nice pets :P I like them!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Micro Projector Man 4 3
08/05/2009 04:28 AM
Hooch FTW!
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0 votes
0.0
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Laptop Larry 20 3
08/05/2009 04:35 AM
surely office wars are fun though...
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Count Ravos 62,361 20
08/05/2009 07:07 AM
As always, mailman is aware of the rule bros before dolphins hoes.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21 kicks foot on carpet
08/05/2009 07:59 AM
I thought I'd remain proper and only include "softcore bestiality" to illustrate this article.
aw shucks!
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0 votes
0.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/05/2009 08:03 AM
He realized what that meant and offered an embarrassed excuse about being so shocked by such gross videos that he wanted to show it to his friends. and immediately whipped it out and started fisting himself at the mere thought of horse Coleridge.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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KChikita Banana Box 124,281 89
08/05/2009 08:45 AM
I was going to say I clicked you just for "Sage Garrett" but everyone else beat me to the punch.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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John Hargrave 128,123 71
08/05/2009 09:28 AM
Awesome story, and well-written.
The Mailman brings on the beastiality comedy like no other.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Count Ravos 62,361 20
08/05/2009 10:07 AM
I was going to say I clicked you just for "Sage Garrett" but everyone else beat me to the punch.
I was going to say "donkey punch?", but I guess it would be more like a horse punch.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/05/2009 12:51 PM
I appreciate you not saying anything. To show you my thanks, I just got a new puppy and am throwing a party to celebrate. You are of course invited.
Please if you still have them, bring those files with you on disk.
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Hilarious
15 votes
4.3
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Shell Belle 76,640 24
08/05/2009 02:41 PM
That was hilarious!
When you were introduced to him, you should have said, "It's nice to meet you, neeeeiggggh-bor."
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Disco Bob 4,322 8
08/05/2009 03:27 PM
I paused at reading "hardcore bestiality" and wacked it.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,338 4
08/05/2009 03:47 PM
What's with all this differentiating between hardcore and softcore bestiality? If you're going to indulge in the animals, you're hardcore! No second guessing there. The "softcore" stuff is really still just a hot girl on a horse, while the collective terms "hardcore bestiality" is just redundant and obvious. It's like saying "expensive Ferrari," "cold ice," or Pram's "sticky shoe."
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.3
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,533 11
08/05/2009 03:56 PM
...or like Clock's interestingrelevantfunnyword-filled posts.
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Side-splitting
11 votes
5.0
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The Mailman 174,473 52
08/05/2009 04:50 PM
What's with all this differentiating between hardcore and softcore bestiality? If you're going to indulge in the animals, you're hardcore!
*WOOOOSH!*
(That was the softcore bestiality joke doing Mach-5 over your head.)
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.1
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Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
08/06/2009 12:04 AM
I hate those states where the horse still has to wear pasties.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Fezig - the other Mike Rowe 3,711 6
08/27/2009 11:30 AM
I hate those states where the horse still has to wear pasties.
Yes, but otherwise you would need about 5 gallons of eye bleach after looking at all of Kyra Sedgwick.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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mielke 1,480 5
08/27/2009 11:44 AM
I would have sent him an email....from the horse saying that "I noticed you downloading my videos you must think I am a stud let's go riding sometime"
ps wear your ass less chaps sport!
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0 votes
0.0
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Noblet 86 8
09/01/2009 04:19 PM
*mumbles something about Macka 2.0 and the Pony Club*
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Jeeni 43,386 49
09/20/2009 09:25 PM
Are you going to set up his account to cc all outgoing messages to his boss?
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