Crappy Consumer Reports: Cheap Booze Taste Test II
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  43,809  9
08/05/2009 08:06 PM 37262 views
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My mission was to find the world's best cheap booze [read Part 1 here], and I arrived at my fellow researchers' house loaded down with beer, malt liquor, and wine (the three food groups of cheap hooch).
Scientific research.
I was a little concerned with the sheer volume of alcohol we'd be consuming, but Sandy assuaged my fears: "I'll drink whatever's left." Still, there was some initial hesitation as we fiddled with the exact methodology and criteria for much longer than was necessary. Most eyes drifted towards the Wild Cherry Boone's Farm in a "that's about the time when I'm going to puke" kind of way.
We arrived at the following Taste Test Criteria:
Price: Obviously, cheaper is better.
Appearance: How classy is the packaging? How's it look in the mug? Sure, you've got no one to impress, but if someone drops by unannounced, you don't want to look like you'll drink anything.
Bouquet/Taste: Taste and smell are so closely related that even if you're able to pinch your nose, you'll still get some aroma when it sloshes down your throat.
Kickback: In other words, just how horrible a face do you make after drinking this? You can't impress friends with your Robitussin wine selection if you squint like Popeye every time you take a sip.
With those criteria, and the ever critical "Would you drink this again?" category, we were ready for our first drink:
NATURAL ICE
Price:
$0.99 for a 24 oz. tallboy. Yeah, you could probably go cheaper (like isopropyl alcohol from your bathroom cabinet for free), but if you land too far below the dollar mark you start to seem, well, hobo-ish. A dollar is a fair price for a workin' man, and by God a workin' man needs two beers stuffed into one can.
Appearance:
Right off the bat Jackie raised alarms. "This looks a little too dark. Maybe I've been spoiled." This was, to me, the closest thing to a light iced tea ever to come from a can. Jackie, however, was already worried.
"I didn't know Natural Light made stout!"
I found it to be frighteningly light and Sandy agreed it had a certain ... clarity. Using our 10 point scale (1 being the worst thing ever to pass your lips, 10 being acceptable and readily consumed again in the future) we set our baseline:
Jackie: 6/10
Sandy: 10/10
Randy: 5/10
Bouquet/Taste:
"It smells like beer." Jackie has a knack for cutting straight to the chase. Indeed, it was a pretty generic-smelling beer. Not really hoppy, certainly not malty, just sort of beer-ish.
"It definitely smells drinkable," Sandy added in a way that suggested he was angling for a career as a Midwestern sommelier. Again, we were setting the tone for the rest of the test, and with such an innocuous entry as Natural Ice it was tough to grade too far in either direction, but now it was down to brass tacks. Enough whirling around our mugs waiting for the huge foamy heads to dissipate; it was time to drink the damn stuff.
"Definitely drinkable. But we like cheap beer," Sandy justified.
"That's beer alright. We'll give it 8 on ... what was the category again?" Jackie was already having trouble keeping up. This was going to get ugly.
It was, chemically at least, beer. It came from grain (I assume), it had some alcoholic content, and maybe yeast was involved. But nothing stood out about it, other than the potential to go for quantity due to the other lack of taste. I was underwhelmed, but my colleagues were pretty taken.
Jackie: 8/10
Sandy: 7/10
Randy: 5/10
Kickback:
Non-existent. This could probably be used to rinse your contacts. There was just nothing to it.
Jackie: 10/10
Sandy: 10/10
Randy: 10/10
When asked if they'd drink it again, all judges responded with a resounding "I guess. If there was nothing else." I'm not sure if this was related or not, but at this point in the evening Sandy began lighting cherry stems on fire. You know. For science.
KEYSTONE ICE
Price:
Keystone slinks in at a cool $0.99 as well, but brings with it a more potent 5.9% alcohol by volume. So even though the can is the same 24 ounce size, you're packing a little extra there, big guy.
Appearance:
Keystone seems a little darker and more ominous than Natural Ice, but this might just have been the sun setting as we sat on the deck. Still, it looked pretty much like a normal light beer, though Jackie and Sandy each noted it seemed to have less carbonation and bubbles. "Still a nice head," Sandy remarked. I assumed he was complimenting me.
The slightly darker tinge was not enough to bump it up a notch in my eyes (as well as Jackie's, though you saw that coming since she feared even Natural Ice), but Sandy raised it a peg or two.
Jackie: 7/10
Sandy: 8/10
Randy: 6/10
Bouquet/Taste:
Stale. Keystone Ice smells like a beer you might find open on a counter the night after your party, assuming someone dumped metal shavings into it. I'm not sure if the can was to blame or not, but there definitely a metallic quality to this stuff. "It smells clean," Sandy sniffed, "like dish soap."
"Limited edition" apparently means "tastes like ass" in brew master lingo.
Keystone Ice has an aftertaste that borders on "dead animal." Sandy, ever the optimist, noted that "The second drink is better." Jackie was less impressed. Still, any taste was better than Natural Ice's complete lack thereof.
Jackie: 4/10
Sandy: 4/10
Randy: 4/10
Kickback:
Keystone Ice was the first beer we sampled to actually induce some cringing. "It has a backfire," Jackie said as she took drink number three, "It's still gross. I'll just keep drinking, but I don't know what they did to it."
On the plus side, if you're the mystery-solving type, you can sit down to figure out why the foam in Keystone Ice has a completely different taste from the beer itself. Jackie originally rated it a 9, but quickly changed it to 2 when she figured out the scoring system.
Jackie: 2/10
Sandy: 4/10
Randy: 5/10
So Keystone Ice had already gained ground, but would we drink it again? Absolutely not. "Unless someone bought some and it was free," Jackie chimed in. Sandy took it upon himself to stop Frost-ing around with the cherry stems and produced a large bag of fireworks. We'd need them to celebrate our third contender.
STAG
Price:
By far our most extravagant taste of the night, Stag hits your wallet to the tune of $1.19 for a 24 oz. tallboy, but hey, that's what you pay for Steak Taters and Gravy. Stag's seen a few buyouts over the years (it most recently has fallen under Pabst's control) but it's still proudly produced in Belleville, IL and is known for having some sort of relationship to diabetics that may or may not actually exist.
Appearance:
Stag comes pouring out of the can a smooth, golden elixir. To me this was by far the most attractive of our beers sampled, though Jackie and Sandy seemed a little disturbed by the near complete lack of bubbles.
Jackie: 7/10
Sandy: 7/10
Randy: 6/10
"Mmmm, Steak Taters and Gravy!"
Bouquet/Taste:
"This is like a Rolling Rock!" Sandy cried as he went back for seconds. He found it to be by far his favorite, and likened it to a well-crafted pilsner. Jackie agreed, sort of.
"It's nothing to be scared of," she said, "but I'm not standing by the Rolling Rock comment."
Personally I found it to be more similar to Satan's Piss. Stag is notorious to me for two reasons: drafts are 75 cents at the local watering hole, and it induces the worst headache imaginable. That's not even with a hangover; that's the price of admission.
Jackie: 7/10
Sandy: 3/10
Randy: 7/10
The alcohol was starting to take effect, as evidenced by the fact that none of us could remember if a 10 was good or bad. Eventually I had the idea to check my notes, but couldn't really read my handwriting any more. "I know!" Sandy exclaimed, "I'll shoot some fireworks!"
"Yeah, but how's it taste Jackie?"
Kickback:
The scale started breaking down here, as Jackie and I were aghast at what Stag did to our taste buds while Sandy tracked down a second Stag tallboy for his own enjoyment. "It has a Surgeon General warning!" Jackie yelled angrily. We were all buzzed enough to consider this a massive conspiracy and not the normal pregnancy warning they put on all alcohol.
Jackie: 3/10
Sandy: 8/10
Randy: 4/10
But would we drink it again? Sandy would (and did), as he somehow already had a tallboy of Stag at his house. Jackie and I agreed there was not enough money in the county, but on the bright side we were starting to feel the results of our work. "I'm feeling well. I can't sing like Jennifer Nettles yet, but I feel good," Jackie bubbled. We were well on our way to a damn fine taste test.
So what's your best bet for tasty cheap beer? Our average ratings bared all (Remember, 1 is the absolute worst. 10 is the best and something you'd drink again):
Natural Ice
Appearance: 7/10
Taste/Bouquet: 6.6/10
Kickback: 10/10
Keystone Ice
Appearance: 7/10
Taste/Bouquet: 4.0/10
Kickback: 1.1/10
Stag
Appearance: 6.6/10
Taste/Bouquet: 5.6/10
Kickback: 5/10
Natural Ice was our best beer choice for your (relatively little) money. But the night was young, and we still had to taste test malt liquor AND wine. And I was craving popcorn. Keep reading for part 3!
Next: The Best Cheap Malt Liquor!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
22 votes
4.1
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 116,629  19
08/05/2009 08:13 PM
Awesome.
Thank you for donating your liver to science.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,330 0
08/05/2009 08:15 PM
You don't know what the Frost you are talking about. You didn't use either Steel Reserve 211 or High Gravity Lager. You can't even start an experiment without those. At least some Old E!
Loved the article, couldn't have done better myself sober. Wait, what am I commenting on?
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Count Ravos 34,397 10
08/05/2009 08:27 PM
Wait, stay tuned for part 2? I thought this was part 2!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Bob Monkeypimp ($5 a Chimp) 421 0
08/05/2009 08:59 PM
I'm looking forward to when you eventually get round to doing the Goatse buttplug challenge...
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Count Ravos 34,397 10
08/05/2009 09:02 PM
I was going to ask "What?", but I really don't want to know.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Azeroth Exile 127 1
08/05/2009 10:04 PM
Dave, I thought Old English was a malt liquor. If it is, it might be included in the next batch to be tested.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Count Ravos 34,397 10
08/05/2009 10:27 PM
I once knew a guy who drank 2 40's of Old E. I nearly got pissed on that night.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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KChikita Banana Box 50,447 11
08/05/2009 10:43 PM
I once knew a guy who showed up to a Halloween party in a wigger outfit, carrying 2 40's of Old E. Awesome.
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 7,945 6
08/05/2009 11:05 PM
I once knew a guy who showed up to a Halloween party in a wigger outfit, carrying 2 40's of Old E. Awesome.
You know Macka?!?
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
08/06/2009 07:11 AM
You don't know what the Frost you are talking about. You didn't use either Steel Reserve 211 or High Gravity Lager. You can't even start an experiment without those. At least some Old E!
Mayhaps you missed the part where I said we were starting with BEER and moving to MALT LIQUOR.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Frogpop 155,669 12
08/06/2009 08:13 AM
Jesus looks skinnier than usuall. Have you been working out?
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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Bill the Squirrel 25,527 8
08/06/2009 09:00 AM
Jesus looks skinnier than usuall. Have you been working out?
The beer doesn't go to his gut, it just keeps leaking out of all those holes.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Ali_Legend 737 5
08/06/2009 01:00 PM
The beer doesn't go to his gut, it just keeps leaking out of all those holes.
I would comment on the fact that 'those holes' would have clotted, and that the beer would go down the digestive process first, before getting into the blood which would reach 'those holes', but I don't want to get soccer-mommed. (although I will anyway)
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 5,980 4
08/06/2009 01:40 PM
You're not doing it right. If you've ever been punched or kicked in the mouth while drinking, you'd know that blood doesn't clot for Shakespeare when you're drunk. Some folk even use red wine to symbolize the J-man's blood because he was such an alcoholic. By the way, he got stabbed and had a hole in his side too. Anyways, I'd imagine that the only thing that he digests is brains, with his newer, sexier zombie physique and all. Lucky for him, alcohol can and is still absorbed through the cell walls of practically all your guts and inner tissues. Alcohol starts entering your bloodstream the very second you put it in your mouth, completely bypassing the digestive process.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Count Ravos 34,397 10
08/06/2009 04:45 PM
Some folk even use red wine to symbolize the J-man's blood because he was such an alcoholic.
That's actually awesome. He basically gets unlimited refills of red wine.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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lalvathecybertroll 8 1
09/05/2009 10:13 AM
Im sorry. I could not go on any further. This "comedy" feature sucked. It was not funny at all. In fact, I felt that the people making this were just plain dumb. They act as if they never drank alcohol before. They also act as if they never drank cheap alcohol at that. Dont get me wrong, ill only drink keystone at parties and everyone knows steel reserve is reserved for hobos but come on, who really analyzes the stuff as if it is supposed to be good? The only reason for drinking that Shakespeare is to get Frosted up anyway. All in all, this was a foolish article or whatever the Frost it is.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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peoriagrace 5,962 9 Sneeringly says
09/06/2009 12:53 AM
Jeez Lava is that the best you can troll. That's like something my great Grandma would say. You need to step it up to troll here.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Bill the Squirrel 25,527 8
09/06/2009 12:58 AM
PG, you should have threatened her/him/it with a poop knife.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Trae - New Mommy! 156,239 10 Opens a PBR and sighs contentedly
09/06/2009 06:53 AM
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 5,962 9 Sung to a happy tune
09/06/2009 12:32 PM
Poop knife...poop knife
I've got to get a poop knife
Then I'll stick it in some ribs
For dislocation and flavor
My wonderful poop knife
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