Ali_Legend 844 7
08/06/2009 08:54 AM

Should've shot the teacher.

Gleeeem 226 4
08/06/2009 08:58 AM

And through this all...did they EVER explain what the hell a blowjob is? I wanna know!!!

John Hargrave 128,751 73
08/06/2009 09:00 AM

That is really funny.

I wonder how she would have responded if the sentence ended, "...and will you give me one."

Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/06/2009 09:05 AM

Mike Stevenson punk-ed out, cried and fingered Sam.

Sounds like an eventful day, and oddly appropriate for Catholic school!

Mothcleaner 4,106 10
08/06/2009 09:09 AM

Everyday she would urge us to ask anything we wanted, facelessly and thereby free of shame. It really seemed to mean a lot to her that we did.

Bitch don't ask for it if you can't take it.

KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/06/2009 09:29 AM

True Story:

(This story has to be preceded by the knowledge that I was an extremely sheltered, very shy kid up until around age 15.)

One night when I was about 12, I was riding in the car with my Mom and we were discussing my then-current boyfriend, who she didn't approve of. She started telling me about some guy she dated in college, I'm assuming to give me a life lesson about "bad boys". Apparently, they'd gone out once or twice and he kept pressuring her to sleep with him and she kept telling him "No". (Mom was a bit of a prude.)

She got to a part in the story where she had once again told him she was NOT going to have sex with him, and he said, "Well, how about oral?"

She paused and looked expectantly at me, obviously expecting a horrific reaction from me to the proposition of oral sex.

I stared blankly back at her and said, "Mom, what's oral sex?"

She turned bright red, said "Nevermind" very quickly and nothing more was said.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/06/2009 10:49 AM

After half an hour, Father Smith was summoned.

Because if anyone knew what a blowjob was, it would be a priest!

steamy stool 235 4
08/06/2009 11:30 AM

I think the important thing to take away from all of this is that blowjobs make women cry.

Chix is in da house 286,621 61
08/06/2009 11:43 AM

No, the important thing to take away is that that fink bastard Mike Stevenson needs his ass good and kicked.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/06/2009 12:00 PM

I used to love questioning my Spanish teacher innocently what pinche, puto, wai, etc. meant in English.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/06/2009 12:07 PM

I don't know how old AllenP is, but he must be even older than me if the mere mention of the word blowjob made his 5th grade teacher cry. I would have to figure that every woman who has made her way through teachers' college knows what a blowjob is and knows that it wouldn't kill her. Even in a Catholic school (I went to Catholic school, too).

Further, I have to agree with Chickens. If something like that happened in my school, you were better off going down to the principal's office and getting paddled than you would be going out on the playground and facing the party that would be waiting for you there if you had ratted.

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,348 4
08/06/2009 06:38 PM

Excellent story allenp.

That really confuses me though. What the hell kind of question did she expect that she was so eager for? Was she trying to learn something? Was she crying because she didn't know? She talked about sex, what else is there? Blowjobs, giving face, anal, and a bunch of gay Shakespeare. Bitch set herself up for that one, and you too apparently.

allenp 83 3
08/06/2009 08:39 PM

Whistler: I'm 29 years old actually. Thanks a ton for the comments, I get a real kick out of writing something and people actually reading it and enjoying it.

Alarm Clock: It confused me too of course. In-the-moment, as a shy 5th grader, as-stated, I felt like a horrible monster. But with the hindsight of adulthood I think it was a combination of less story-worthy factors, Mrs Romeau had emotional issues of her own that we're exacerbated and enabled by her being in an atmosphere of a tight, suburban, old-school Catholic community is probably the boring answer. I hadn't even though about those stories in years. It was a really good promt Kevin threw out.

Thud 68,511 19
08/06/2009 08:49 PM

allenp, nice article. Welcome to Live!

allenp 83 3
08/06/2009 09:18 PM

A pleasure to be here. Although I am confused by how the stats work. It seems like all the easy internet tricks need to be employed. Starting fake accounts to rank your own story in order to bump it to the front page so people will read it. The ranking is dis-incentived, because ranking other stories can bump your own ranking down, ect, ect. I love that people actually read something I wrote and liked it, but it seems like the system is fundamentally set-up for something other than the cream to rise to the top.

I definitely like the concept of the site, but does anyone if there any plans to refine the system in the future?

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Zolton 88,214 34
08/06/2009 09:21 PM

You mean like some sort of, I don't know, 'ZUG 2.0'?

Now that's just crazy talk.

allenp 83 3
08/07/2009 04:46 AM

Is that to imply that such a thing is coming or already exists?
I hate to be a critic, and I hate even more to a San Francisco-sounding guy, but a site that could actual raise the cream to the top has the potential to be a pretty worth site. But a site that essentially requires gaming of it's stats to achieve that weird and idiot feeling the internet promises us. That feeling you get from having a youtube video with a million hits or from having your favorite blogger reference you by name. I don't think anyone in the top-10 is gaming there stats for the T-Shirt prize. These stupid little thrills are the only real reason to participate here rather then save your A-List material for a personal blog. It would be nice if the scoring system more accurately represented our actual success at storytelling.
just my 2 cents of course.

Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/07/2009 06:51 AM

This is zombo.com "Zug 2.0"

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
08/07/2009 08:17 AM

When my son was 12, I gave him "the talk" and checked a book out of the library for him to read about the subject. A few days later, he asked me, "why would a woman WANT to put a penis in her mouth?"

I was momentarily struck silent, and after a bit I lamely replied that it would make the man feel good, that's why.

That was all he ever asked.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/07/2009 08:55 AM

Allen: we used to have a way of knowing if people had multiple accounts, but at this point I think only admins can tell. I can promise you that I don't - I'm too busy with the account I have, and my jobs, family, friends, etc. to be trying to work the system here.

I don't think any of the other "top posters" is working the system either. Like you said, it's hardly worth the effort for a t-shirt. How many black t-shirts does one guy need? Especially if he has a wife and a washer and dryer in the house?* And if you're in it for the glory, I can't see how glorious it would feel to come out on top by cheating.

Bumping your own threads doesn't affect the site - the admins decide what's going on the ZuG main page, not the rankings. You can only keep your stuff on the first page of Live by bumping. And since only registered users can rate it, continual bumping eventually stops giving any ratings advantage.

My advice is to bring the funny. Post funny articles, start funny conversations, find funny pictures for capcons and (most importantly) add funny comments to other peoples' threads. I make an average of five to seven posts a day, but I think about what I'm going to post and try to make them count. Don't worry about the rankings. Honest to goodness, I don't give a rat's ass about the rankings. I'd rather have an e-mail from someone who posts here telling me they loved my article than another t-shirt or my name at the top of a list. And I post here under three layers of obscured identity because I do serious (?) academic (?) writing under my real name and I don't want my audience for that stuff to know that I also write dick and poop jokes.

And if anyone read all of that, my hat is off to you.


*As if my wife does my laundry for me! Ha!

Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
08/07/2009 09:17 AM

Allen, if you're like me(and I know I am) you can do pretty much the opposite of what Whistler does, and just post the first thing that pops into your head.

When you're working with people who's sense of comedy gold peaks at the poop joke, it doesn't take a whole lot to move up in the rankings.

Also, sending us pics of your wife/girlfriend/nun's rack doesn't hurt.

Email in profile.

allenp 83 3
08/07/2009 04:31 PM

Whistler: I didn't mean that as a particular dis to any of the top posters or anything. I just couldn't find the info on how the stats are calculated and the rating system still feels fundamentally primitive. It was more just an irrelevant tangent.

I didn't mean to get off the main topic, which again, is commenting on how good (or bad) my original story is.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/08/2009 12:06 AM

Don't worry allenp, Whistler loves you or he would have mentioned you're(haha) spelling and missed words.

I thought your story funny and gave you some clickies.

subhuman 576 4
08/13/2009 04:33 PM

As Sam sat balling...

Wow, if just asking about a BJ made the teacher cry, this must have killed her.

Who was he balling, by the way?

(Don't call me a spelling Nazi. I have to fake funny any way I can.)