Twits of the Week: Tony Robbins! Ann Curry! Kathy Ireland!
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,000  13
08/06/2009 08:58 AM 3496 views
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Each week I bring you ZUG.com's Twit of the Week, a skewering of celebrity tweets via Twitter, the microblogging site everyone is going nuts about right now but will probably end up like Crystal Pepsi in 10 years. With that said, cue the Van Halen and let's get down to big, idiotic brass tacks.
Tony Robbins (Tonyrobbins)
most people fail in life because they major in minor things...what R the "major" most important things that need & deserve your focus today? 8:29 AM Jul 26th from TweetDeck
Wait...who?
Tony Robbins is one of the biggest names in self help and has been showing people what's wrong with their pathetic lives for over 30 years. His books Unlimited Power, The New Science of Personal Achievement, and Awaken the Giant Within have bilked helped millions of people all over the world liberate themselves from their crushing insecurities and $29.95. In fact, so many people are failing at life that in 2007 Robbins took home in excess of $30 million. Most of this was probably reinvested in shiny things to distract his customers from the fact that if any of his bullShakespeare worked, he would only need to write ONE book and record ONE seminar.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I get it, Tony. Self help is your shtick, and you've now decided that you can help me overcome my crippling deficiencies in 140 characters or less. Great. But do you have to come across like such an Emerson while you do it? We fail because we "major in minor things?" What a cute way of saying the things I like suck. I'm sorry I didn't devote myself to being a seven foot tall huckster who's been sued for stealing material from another self help guru and busted by the FTC for lying about the successful results of my advice. Some of us have better, healthier things to do; like make fun of people who are more popular in a weekly internet column.
Joe Simpson (papajoesimpson)
just to be clear... boxing is only to get in shape. no fighting for papa.. except maybe photogs!! 5:44 PM Jul 21st from web
Wait...who?
He's the guy with the wildly inconsistent genetics who fathered both Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. He's the guy who decided being a youth minister qualified him to manage his daughters' singing careers, marriages, divorce, attempts at acting, and plastic surgeries. He also pops up periodically to drive a wedge between whoever happens to be nailing Jessica Simpson at the time to get a good break-up cover in People Magazine.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Joe Simpson gives Joe "Don't Make Me Hit You Again, Michael" Jackson a run for his money in the overly-obsessed hellbent showbiz parent category. When he's not tirelessly pimping both his daughters out for photo shoots to get the money printer turning again he's commenting on Ashlee's nose job or Jessica's boobs. The only way this guy would hit a photographer is if his meal ticket daughter wasn't in the shot.
Ann Curry (AnnCurry)
"I do think it's important to get it right." Obama on health care reform about 2 hours ago from Ping.fm
Wait...who?
She's the Emmy-winning newscaster, host of Dateline, and anchor on Today. She gained notoriety with her international reporting from such global hotspots as Afghanistan, Iraq, Rwanda, Darfur, and Sri Lanka. She also has a slight thing for Brad Pitt.
Why are you tweeting that?!
The news industry is still reeling from the ongoing death of the newspaper and the constant fragmentation of the broadcast media thanks to the internet, Tivo, and now Twitter, so I get that the first foray into tweet reporting is probably going to be awkward. But could you please at least report something worthwhile, Curry? Or were you really blown away by the President's conviction that one of the biggest and most influential legislative acts in history is important? Are you going to be tweeting when the taxi driver tells you the fare is $28? That the guy at McDonald's recommended you super size? I'm not saying it's reporting. I'm just saying it's bad reporting if it's not for Highlights.
Kathy Ireland (KathyIreland)
Someone today mentioned being poor. It was 2nd time today they talked about not having $. If we need 2 earn $ let's talk solutions. Yes? No? 39 minutes ago from web
Wait...who?
Kathy Ireland (not to be confused with Kylie Ireland) was one of a dozen or so women constantly trying to be the next big supermodel in the late '80s and most of the '90s. She hit it big with some Sports Illustrated pictorials (this was before Maxim when it was still too raunchy to go to Playboy). She also landed a string of really Shakespearety movies, including Necessary Roughness, Alien from L.A., Once Upon a Christmas, and the completely phoned in Twice Upon a Christmas. Nowadays she runs some sort of marketing company and proselytizes good American values all freaking day long on her Twitter account.
Why are you tweeting that?!
First off, I really wish I could've heard this alleged person casually mention being poor. "Oh hey, Kathy, how are things? You know, I've recently become poor. Yeah, seems it's not what the television makes it out to be at all..." Assuming this was an actual person and not some supermodel pal lamenting her net worth dropping to a depressing $28 million, then you've got some pretty big balls, Kathy Ireland. People bitch about their Shakespearety lives. It's what we do, and sometimes it's the only thing that helps alleviate the pain and stress of an inescapably bad situation. So when I look for a sympathetic ear to vent to and you fire back, "let's talk solutions," you're really coming off like an Emerson. You think poor people don't know they need solutions to earning money? WE'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING POOR BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY SOLUTIONS TO EARN ANY MONEY!
And your Twit of the Week is...
Amanda Bynes (AmandaBynes)
if you seek amy 48 minutes ago from web
Wait...who?
She's the 23-year-old actress who got her start on stage and later Nickelodeon, which should make you feel all the creepier for ogling that picture. After starting with TV slop like "All That," "Figure it Out," and "The Amanda Show," she landed some movies including Big Fat Liar and What a Girl Wants. She shows up all over the TV now, including spots on "Family Guy" and something called "Canned" that I'm not even sure exists. She also got comedic training from RICHARD. GOD DAMN. PRYOR. At seven years old, no less, so you know that was time well spent and couldn't at all have been used to mentor an aspiring stand-up or, I don't know, write more of the most influential and hilarious comedy we knew and loved him for.
Why are you tweeting that?!
If you're unfamiliar with the phrase, it's a lyric to a Britney Spears song. And it caused a minor stir with the Wal-Mart crowd when the song was released because when you say it out loud it sounds naughty, assuming you're nine years old and the only thing you know about the word "Frost" is that you have to spell it out to avoid getting spanked. So here's Amanda Bynes microblogging, confining her thoughts and feelings to a paltry 140 characters. Despite that notion of brevity, she still couldn't think of something unique to say. No personal insight. Not even an update on the Shakespeare stuck between her teeth. Instead we get the regurgitated pop-ramblings of Britney Spears, because there's no way in hell anyone out there would have access to information like that. Kudos Amanda; you've managed to find the shred of faith I still had in humanity and kill it.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it below! And don't forget to follow @Zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
17 votes
4.5
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262  42
08/06/2009 12:54 PM
I have a recurring fantasy in which I am the Lucky Pierre in a Mrs. Whistler/Ann Curry three-way.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,533 11
08/06/2009 01:01 PM
I have a recurring fantasy in which I am the Lucky Pierre in a Mrs. Whistler/Ann Curry three-way.
Me too.
How starange.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,533 11
08/06/2009 01:19 PM
...and no, that wasn't a typo.
I typed it in a South Texas accent.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/06/2009 02:27 PM
The difference between me and you, though, Autra, is that I'm halfway there already.
The similarity, of course, is that neither of us is ever going to close the deal.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,533 11
08/06/2009 02:37 PM
The difference between me and you, though, Autra, is that I'm halfway there already.
The similarity, of course, is that neither of us is ever going to close the deal.
Whatever, quitter.
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0 votes
0.0
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TotalRecall 2 3
08/06/2009 03:21 PM
I would have given Kathy Ireland the twit of the week. These rich bitches need a smackdown. That's my take from Ann Curry's tweet, also. "hey, slow down with this healthcare thing so my multi-million dollar salary doesn't get taxed."
I had no idea Britney Spears' lyrics had subliminal messages. Is THAT how she got rich?
And how did writers' names get to substituted for "curse" words? What would a "Browning" be?
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/06/2009 03:26 PM
Total, we've had an optional swearbot for a long time. At least for the six + years I've been here. Poet's names is the default option. There are others, including no swearbot. Edit your profile if you want to change it.
Shakespearehead.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,338 4 looks up
08/06/2009 06:58 PM
And the wiggers are just coming out of the woodwork now.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Millie 116,854 28
08/06/2009 07:14 PM
Kathy Ireland is a Frost-ing Emerson. I've got a solution--she can give some of the money she got simply because she has looks (no brains, apparently) to some poor people. That's a pretty simple solution.
I guess it's better for her to tweet instead of having to listen to her baby-voice--which she still has even though she's, like, 50 now.
Also, Joe Simpson is creepy.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Frogpop 173,113 25
08/06/2009 11:03 PM
I saw Anne Curry's panties during the live olympics coverage. Her skirt flew up when she and Merideth were "tricked" into walking over a series of fountains. When they replayed the clip later they cut to a different camera angle. Fascists. Here's all I could find (start at 1:17), but it looks like even the internet missed the money shot, sorry Whistler.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
08/08/2009 02:23 AM
I would have given Kathy Ireland the twit of the week.
It was a toss-up for me at first, but when I thought about it a little bit I realized at least Kathy is saying her own feelings. They might be incredibly stupid, but at least she's not parroting someone else in her own microblog. Amanda Bynes couldn't even come up with something stupid to say on her own.
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0 votes
0.0
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mandellia 45 4
08/10/2009 08:47 AM
Boobs
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