Crappy Consumer Reports: Cheap Booze Taste Test III
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  43,809  9
08/06/2009 07:18 PM 24766 views
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My mission was to find the world's best cheap booze [read Part 1 and Part 2 here] in a carefully-controlled, scientific setting.
My fellow researchers and I had finished our beer test, our analytical abilities heightened by the sweet booze flowing through our veins. Next came the Malt Liquor taste test, with us rating on a 1 (the worst) to 10 (I'd drink this again) scale for Appearance, Taste/Bouquet, and Kickback. Also, at this point our colleague Jeff showed up to help us out, mostly by pointing and laughing. We started with a college party classic.
OLDE ENGLISH 800
Price:
Just $0.99 for a 24 oz. tallboy, although if you're going to be out in public we'd recommend springing for the more classically known 40 oz bottle.
Appearance:
"It's yellow, but looks can be deceiving," Jackie suspiciously noted.
"I like it!" Sandy countered. He was already pumped up just looking at the stuff. To be fair, it was kind of dark, but it looks, well, like a beer. It's a nice golden color, but without much head. We assumed that's because it's ready to just get down to Frost-ing business already. Jeff, being a Baptist who rarely deals with anything more dangerous than a Casa Gallardo margarita, aimed right for the middle.
Jackie: 6/10
Sandy: 6/10
Randy: 7/10
Jeff: 5/10
Bouquet/Taste:
Sandy noted that it smelled similar to Stag, so we asked if he had emptied his mug. "Nah," he said, "I made sure it's gone. Well, maybe it's still in. At least it's better than the Keystone." The smell was a bit pungent, and almost like stale beer left uncovered for awhile.
"Nobody picked up on that bad smell?" Jackie asked. We all picked up on it, but what could we do other than drink it? Again, Sandy wrecked our curve.
"The OE is doin' it for me!" I wrote down Sandy's quip, assuring him we would install it as his new catch phrase to be delivered at any and all times. Jeff took his requisite sip and promptly asked to be excused.
Jackie: 2/10
Sandy: 7/10
Randy: 2/10
Jeff: 4/10
"So smooth you'll want to taste it again."
Kickback:
Hoo boy. OE packed a wallop that knocked Jackie and me on our asses pretty easily. Again, Sandy was unfazed and I was beginning to wonder if he wasn't in some advanced stage of alcohol poisoning and unable to feel pain.
"It's pretty smooth," he assured us, "I like it." Sandy then ripped a huge and wet belch that echoed off the cans at the table. "It's got a little backfire. Oooooooolde English." This last phrase, the "Ooooolde English," would become Sandy's punctuation for the next several conversations.
"I can't choke this down!" Jackie cried. None of us were about to even pretend to take that the right way.
Jackie: 4/10
Sandy: 6/10
Randy: 4/10
Jeff: 4/10
Would we drink it again? Well, one out of four of us would. Of course, that one seems to be a bottomless alcohol pit.
COLT 45
Why Colt 45? Because it's almost as ubiquitous as Olde English. Also, I drive by this thing every day on my way to work:
"You're callin' in sick tomorrow, my man."
It's a cool $0.99 for 24 ounces of whatever the hell is in there, and it comes with the class that only Billy Dee Williams can bring to the table.
Jeff made sure we were fully prepared for the task ahead: "You guys know this is a black people drink, right?" Now that the hidden racism was beginning to seep out it was time to sample.
Appearance:
"It has nice marketing," Jackie offered, "The horseshoe must mean good luck."
"I can only think of Lando," Jeff countered.
"God, I have awful gas." Sandy's will was starting to give. At this point, what could we say? It's golden. It's fizzy. Drink it already. You'd think it'd be pretty easy to reach a consensus on that, but you'd be wrong. Or sober.
Jackie: 7/10
Sandy: 3/10
Randy: 5/10
Jeff: 2/10
"At this point we also have a bat involved."
Bouquet/Taste:
The smell is awful, like a stale vagina. The best compliment we could come up with for Colt 45 was "It's better than OE, but I'm really drunk." Once we got to drinking it got a little better, but overall the agreement was that it probably had horse spit in it. Except for Sandy, of course, who raved, "If you don't breathe in, it's pretty smooth!"
Jackie: 1/10
Sandy: 4/10
Randy: 3/10
Jeff: 2/10
"Wouldn't YOU trust him?"
Kickback:
"It talks back to you," Sandy pointed out. "I finished mine; I need something to wash it down." We were on a collision course with liver failure at this point, but we couldn't stop now. The notes at this point really deteriorated. I mean, a lot of my sentences start with a perfectly clear and prominent letter and then turn into a meandering line drawn across the page.
"It gives a whinny when it goes down," Jackie grimaced. Jeff was mysteriously absent; he was most likely dumping out his cup. Sandy again refused to rate the booze too badly, but it looked like Colt 45 might be our loser. Then again, we still had one more challenger.
Jackie: 2/10
Sandy: 5/10
Randy: 3/10
Jeff: 2/10
STEEL RESERVE
Steel Reserve is a "high gravity lager," which either means it has more mass than you'd expect or maybe it's just very serious all the time. At $0.99 for a tallboy, it won't take you very long to get un-serious with these things. The name suggests this would be the beverage John Henry might drink, and yes I say that because John Henry was black.
Appearance:
Our scale broke down around Steel Reserve, as no one could bring themselves to say much beyond, "it looks like every other beer we've tried so far." Morale was starting to drop, and this high impact whatever had to go down the hatch fast. I gave it a baseline 5 across the board since no one else really cared enough to give a score.
Jackie: 5/10
Sandy: 5/10
Randy: 5/10
Jeff: 5/10
Bouquet/Taste:
"This smells like rotten eggs!" Jackie was unimpressed. Jeff and I couldn't really detect it, so it might just have been her belching into her hands that was throwing off the reading. Sandy, ever the Busch loyalist, fondly remarked that it "smelled like a Bud." The taste, however, was a lot closer to rotten eggs. Like rotten eggs pickled in a jar of bitter, yeasty stale beer. Sandy killed his.
"I had to to just to get rid of it," he explained. Finally the mighty one had fallen. At this point all of us had been taken down a peg. "The beers..." Sandy lamented, "they're fighting in my belly. I can't wait for this to be over." Breathing was becoming more difficult, although this was probably due to the fact that Jackie smacked me in the nuts. You know, for fun.
Jackie: 3/10
Sandy: 2/10
Randy: 3/10
Jeff: 2/10
Also, Sandy somehow thought he was whirling nunchuks around. Seriously.
Kickback:
"It's a little chewy ... like bread," Sandy noted. After a second gulp to kill off the offending booze, he added, "That mother-Froster has hair on it." So there ya go, makers of Steel Reserve. Put that in a commercial and you'll at least score some customers from the Axe Body Spray demographic. While we agreed Colt 45 was pretty friggin' bad, Steel Reserve tipped the scales over, pissed all over them, and then passed out on their front lawn with pizza still in its mouth.
Jackie: 1/10
Sandy: 2/10
Randy: 4/10
Jeff: 4/10
FINAL SCORES:
Olde English
Taste: 6.0/10
Appearance: 3.8/10
Kickback: 4.5/10
Colt 45
Taste: 4.3/10
Appearance: 2.5/10
Kickback: 3.0/10
Steel Reserve
Taste: 5.0/10
Appearance: 2.5/10
Kickback: 2.5/10
Our winner, based almost solely on good looks, was Olde English 800. So if you want a good-looking glass of nasty, grab one of these bad boys.
After all that alcohol you'd figure we'd be ready to knock off, call it a night, and pass out. But no, we still had to taste test the cheapest "wine" in town and I was about to find out just how committed the local gas station was to their "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy. Keep reading for Part 4.
Next: The Best Cheap Wine!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
15 votes
4.5
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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John Hargrave 116,625  19
08/06/2009 07:19 PM
This series gets better and better, even as the booze gets worse and worse.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 7,936 6
08/06/2009 07:36 PM
Awesome.
As someone that's consumed all 3 of the tested beverages, I salute you, sir.
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0 votes
0.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,330 0
08/06/2009 09:04 PM
Ahhh! I feel so foolish now. I've always put malt liquor in the same category as beer. I salute you and mourn your colon.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Crash Test Nipples 2,132 5
08/06/2009 09:16 PM
"You're callin' in sick tomorrow, my man."
Hi, I'm Lando Calrissian. If you wanna fly around the universe and tap some hot space bitch ass, do it the right way. Drunk as Frost on Colt 45.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Crash Test Nipples 2,132 5
08/06/2009 11:04 PM
Although I'm sure it wouldn't end well, a segment including cheap liquor might be interesting. There are plenty of generic and unknown brands out there that go for cheap.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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BeerEye 3 1
08/07/2009 12:38 AM
I second that emotion, CTN - the different vodkas, rums, and gins they sell in grocery stores in plastic bottles could strip the varnish off Grampa's walking stick. An unbiased consumer report comparing those liquors would make for hilarious reading...
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 5,980 4
08/07/2009 01:30 AM
Just $0.99 for a 24 oz. tallboy, although if you're going to be out in public we'd recommend springing for the more classically known 40 oz bottle.
Seeing the picture, the reading this put me through a roller-coaster of emotions. Well, really just disappointment, then laughing tears.
You are an excellent relayer of stories, sir, and I'm glad you included this Sandy fellow. He seems to best fit my particular demographic.
Also, as another product test, I might suggest condoms. I hear that some old men on here like to grab other guys junk if you would need that in one of the tests.
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0 votes
0.0
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
08/08/2009 10:34 AM
The liquor idea might not be a bad one, although having fallen for the "Popov is just as good as any other vodka" speech before, I kind of fear how bad it could turn out.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
08/08/2009 10:15 PM
You no Randall, I'se had tree ov dose 211's dis morning n I tink dey taste gate.
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0 votes
0.0
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Mr.Coffee 807 8
08/10/2009 02:04 AM
yeah, for a long time we called steel reserve "the cadillac of malt liquors".
you should have tried St. Ides. there's a reason Caesar was worried about "the Ides"... the special brew isn't so bad though.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ditdah 115,019 10
10/21/2009 04:17 AM
I know people rag on me for drinking too much, but I have to admit I have no freaking idea what the difference between beer and malt liquor is.
And I don't think I care, after that review. Thanks for the laughs, and donating your taste buds so I don't have to!
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