The Take This Job and Shove It Prank
A comedy article
by Mr.Coffee | 08/07/2009 04:32 AM | 6615 views
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Way, way back in the days before the great Indian tech support pilgrimage, I worked a couple of summers doing tech support for Bellsouth DSL at a company called ClientLogic.
The first summer went fine, as the whopping $9.00 per hour was far and away the highest wage I had ever earned. Clinton was still in office, the economy was doing well, and a general relaxed party atmosphere dominated my workplace. I had the night shift, which was populated with several of my friends, and many, many other college students trying to earn money on the summer break. Zany antics usually ensued with much hilarity, and all was good. One night I even organized the "ClientLogic 500 Desk Chair Race", such was the mood of the time.
Happier days.
Time, being that spongily intangible vector that it was, continued on. I returned the next summer to find an environment devoid of the carefree air I had come to love the previous summer. Coworkers complained over coffee in the break room, supervisors were constantly harping about call times and costs, and the bottom line had gone from "customer and employee experience" to "throughput." The night shift went from being a lock-in with friends to an 8-hour prison sentence in a cubicle row with overpriced Mountain Dew.
Finally, in late summer, I had had enough. Impressed with my "metrics" (a little sheet of numbers that told management how good of a worker bee each person was), the powers that were decided I was to receive "2wire" training. This was a different tech support line, usually drastically understaffed, with a queue of callers that was often around 100 deep, meaning neverending conversations with pissed off people whose DSL was broken and had been waiting over an hour to yell at somebody about it. Needless to say I wasn't exactly thrilled about my "promotion."
Like a veal pen, but not quite as roomy.
I went through training for the 2wire service, which meant two days in a room with PowerPoint presentations and test machines. (This was actually a welcome change from the monotony that work had become.) After "fraduating" from 2wire training, I took time off to visit friends, and came back a week later trying to resign myself to my fate.
I couldn't do it. The stifling atmosphere of the place had finally gotten the better of me, and I couldn't stand the idea of being yelled at for eight hours a night. As I walked in to work that evening, my mind was made up: I'd saved up enough money that I could buy books for my upcoming classes and still enjoy what remained of the summer; I was quitting.
It was just about as exciting as it looks.
Not only was I going to quit, but I was going to do so in a way that made sure they'd have to let me go. I would single-handedly clear the 2wire queue of callers.
My weapon? The dastardly-bastardly cold transfer.
As I logged into my phone, I checked the queue length -- 245 callers in line. This promised to be an event to remember. I pulled out my cell phone and started writing down phone numbers, preparing for the task at hand. In order to clear the queue, I'd have to transfer quickly, as most of these people would be calling back. Numbers at the ready, I set to my task.
The first 45 fell to my address book. Friends out drinking at bars were confused as they set down their beer to talk to an angry Russian woman in Jacksonville who couldn't get wifi in her exterior garage. The irate Cuban man sounded hungry, so I transferred him to his local Papa Johns. I remembered that the National Cathedral was having a fundraiser, so I sent another 75 people there, in the hopes that they would help those less (or perhaps more) fortunate who couldn't afford DSL.
My friend Shane was also working at ClientLogic at this time, so I sent him a caller. Imagine his surprise when, having put his customer on hold, he answered his cell to find, another customer! The security guard had always been kind to us, and seemed to be the bright sort, so I sent her a nice little Portuguese family from Boca Raton whose installer never showed up. Finally, it was done: the queue sat empty, vanquished. It had taken almost two hours of frantic button mashing, but I was almost done. Now I was waiting, waiting for one more caller, my piece de la resistance.
At ClientLogic, one cubicle reigned supreme above -- literally, above -- all others: The Manager On Duty (MOD). From his elevated vantage point he surveyed the industrially carpeted plain, looking for danger, stampeding cattle, or the aloof coworker. He was there to remind people that calls were to be kept short, queues were to be kept low. Such a lonely position, with no human contact for hours at a time. The poor man needed interaction! Thus I sat in the wreckage of the 2wire line, listening, waiting for the next caller, the lucky customer who would give the man in the box that solace which he so richly deserved.
Finally, it was there! A 60 year old woman from Murfreesboro, TN who couldn't get her iMac to recognize her Speedstream 4060. My fingers flew to the keypad like rapiers of IT, stabbing out the extension for MOD. One ring sounded in my headset and I was off, slinging my backpack nonchalantly over my shoulder and strutting out of the sliding doors, a faint "What the Hell?!" echoing in my ears, and a smile spreading on my triumphant face. For that one night, I was the hero of ClientLogic.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
25 votes
4.0
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Unknown Duck
08/07/2009 04:43 AM
I enjoyed reading that, except for the french part.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Mr.Coffee
08/07/2009 04:46 AM
I see what you mean. Suppose to be "la piece de resistance", or "piece de resistance". Learning is fun!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Unknown Duck
08/07/2009 04:54 AM
I am from Canada so it's more of a personal hatred towards french. Plus my ex banged a french guy before she dumped me so that to.
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Funny
9 votes
3.7
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Frogpop
08/07/2009 05:22 AM
I bet she banged one after she dumped you too. Quel dommage!
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0 votes
0.0
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Jaggylioness as Nancy Botwin
08/07/2009 08:13 AM
I like my call centre job, because we get to talk to people for 20-25 minutes, about their lives. Sometimes I wish I had a job at a phone company or something, where every problem has a solution eventually, and you can just switch off and talk technical crap for a few minutes at a time and hang up, but that doesn't last long.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Count Ravos
08/07/2009 11:08 AM
My fingers flew to the keypad like rapiers of IT
I'm not quite sure what that means, but I like it!
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave
08/07/2009 11:49 AM
Great example of a "last day of work" prank -- we'll add some pictures and feature it from the homepage next week!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Chix is in da house
08/07/2009 12:00 PM
THAT WAS YOU!!!!
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0 votes
0.0
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Mr.Coffee
08/11/2009 12:01 AM
Love it, it's like the celebrity makeover I never had!
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0 votes
0.0
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ragnarqa
08/14/2009 02:36 PM
I feel your pain. I too worked for Clientlogic and Bell South. I was on the installer help desk and then moved to the Spanish help desk. Fun!
The environment did change over the 3 years I worked there.
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0 votes
0.0
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Jeeni giggles like mad
08/15/2009 02:39 PM
Mr. Coffee, that was awesome. Thanks for sharing!
I couldn't control my laughter with this line:
My friend Shane was also working at ClientLogic at this time, so I sent him a caller. Imagine his surprise when, having put his customer on hold, he answered his cell to find, another customer!
Reading it again, it still makes me laugh! Love it. Great article.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Rene
08/16/2009 11:36 AM
Man when I quit ClientLogic, I made up some lame excuse about not being able to work enough hours because of my school schedule. Now I wish I had tranferred all those people, calling in to yell about being charged $120 for vitamins when all they wanted was a Taebo DVD, over to KFC.
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0 votes
0.0
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EURGH
08/20/2009 04:42 AM
This makes me want to work in a call centre more than ever.
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