Crappy Consumer Reports: Cheap Booze Taste Test IV
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland | 08/07/2009 04:20 PM | 22619 views
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My mission was to find the world's best cheap booze [read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 here] in a carefully-controlled, scientific setting. My colleagues and I had rated beer and malt liquor, and now it was time to tackle the high class alcohol enjoyed by discerning palates everywhere: wine.
Okay, so not exactly wine. "Wine product."
MORGAN DAVID 20/20
Morgan David, a.k.a. "Mad Dog," is available in a variety of flavors and colors that look nothing like wine at all, and a giant bottle comes over to ruin your night for only $3.29. Sure, that's a significant step up from the $0.99 tallboys, but you're paying for class. One important factor to consider is getting just the right neon color to accentuate your eyes.
"Break out the finery"
Appearance:
"Holy Shakespeare that's a whole bottle," Sandy's eyes got big. I couldn't tell if it was with fear or anticipation. "That looks like tit piss." Okay, sure. But would this impress the guests when served in the good china?
"There's a Ninja Turtle joke in there somewhere," Jackie slurred.
"What do you want me to say? It's green. It's glowing green." Jeff was less than impressed. Still, there's a certain mystique to a guy at a party with a wine glass full of electric green goo.
Jackie: 1/10
Sandy: 1/10
Randy: 1/10
Jeff: 1/10
Bouquet/Taste:
"Kiwi lemon? What kind of combination is that? That's like banana tomato," Jackie ranted. She had a little more fire in her eyes than normal, and I feared she might be turning into a violent drunk. "Oh, Randy. Why on earth would you bring this over here?" Apparently I had found the limit to Jackie and Sandy's hospitality. Passing out blind drunk in their infant daughter's bed? Cool. Serving kiwi-lemon death in a glass? Negative.
"I can't connect it with any one taste," Sandy mulled, "It's actually not bad." Now I had my proof that Sandy had no actual taste buds and considered wiping out his scoring. Jeff balked at what he described as a "medicinal taste," which makes me wonder what the hell his parents gave him for a cold. My only other notes? "GIVES ME HEADACHE. MAKES HAIR FALL OUT?"
Jackie: 1/10
Sandy: 7/10
Randy: 2/10
Jeff: 2/10
Kickback:
"This is like lighter fluid," Sandy explained as he went back for another sip. Mad Dog's not really hard per se, but it is almost cloyingly sweet, and it punches you right in the face. The grainy texture of the hooch is jarring with the completely ass-backward flavor pairing of kiwis and lemons. After debating over what could possibly be a worse flavor combination, we agree on loganberries and dog Shakespeare.
Jackie: 1/10
Sandy: 5/10
Randy: 2/10
Jeff: 3/10
Would we drink it again? "You can't make me," Jackie taunted. The only one willing to consider another run at the Mad Dog was Sandy, who said he might drink it again, but not on purpose. On to phase two.
BOONE'S FARM
Ah, Boone's. Refuge of aspiring underage drunk girls everywhere, and the original "two buck chuck" back before that wasn't an insult. Nowadays a bottle of Boone's will run you $2.29, but amazing flavors like Wild Cherry, Strawberry Kiwi, and Blue Razzberry make it a must-have addition to any wine cellar. Store out of sunlight in a cool, dark place with a minimum 50% humidity. Or, y'know, just throw it on top of the refrigerator and pop it into a cooler of ice about ten minutes before you start chugging.
Appearance:
"Write this down: red." Thanks, Jeff. Honestly, you're going to have a hard time convincing people you're drinking actual alcohol if they see you with this stuff. Okay, so it's a little less conspicuous than lime green MD 20/20, but it's still really red. It's not a bad look, if you're into Kool-Aid. Or maybe cough syrup. Strangely that didn't seem to bother any of my co-judges, as they rated it the best-looking of the bunch.
Jackie: 8/10
Sandy: 9/10
Randy: 3/10
Jeff: 8/10
Bouquet/Taste:
The Kool-Aid theme carries over to the taste. "This tastes like a Luden's cough drop," Jackie noted, "I feel like I'm in 3rd grade." So it's definitely not bad, but I don't know how much you could drink of this sugary-sweet syrup without getting sick ... with diabetes.
"I'm going to drink from the bottle!" Sandy was true to form.
Jackie: 8/10
Sandy: 8/10
Randy: 7/10
Jeff: 8/10
Kickback:
Are you serious? This is wine you could give to your three-year-old. It's nothing. Tang has more of a kickback than this stuff. The only notes I had written down for this portion of the test were "Bridget eats cheez fries" and "Playboy is regular."
Jackie: 9/10
Sandy: 10/10
Randy: 9/10
Jeff: 10/10
Would we drink it again? "I'm loaded, but yes." If you don't have to worry about meeting anyone new at the party who might be an advocate for Megan's Law, you should be able to enjoy your bottle of Boone's with no worries. If you're already the type of person who is legally obligated to introduce yourself to your neighbors when you move in, this might just be evidence you don't want lying around.
THUNDERBIRD
Thunderbird, despite having the reputation of being bum wine made exclusively for (and maybe by) hobos, was the most expensive of our selections: $4.99. Although, if you subscribe to Costco mathematics you realize that you're really buying in bulk, because at 17.5% alcohol by volume there's no way you're going to need a whole bottle to get your liver damage on.
Appearance:
"This has a sucky label." If it weren't for the classic American name, you could mistake this for some Eastern European bottle of moonshine. The color is, well, just off. It looks like it might've been distilled in a prison toilet, which apparently impressed Jeff.
Jackie: 2/10
Sandy: 2/10
Randy: 3/10
Jeff: 8/10
Bouquet/Taste:
"This smells like oranges and lemons!" Jackie seemed impressed, but no: "Seriously. I would pay for someone to go get something else. I don't want to even take a sip of this." For that first three and a half seconds that it passes your lips, Thunderbird has such a strong citrus taste that it's almost like window cleaner. Then the burning hits.
"Oh God, this is like rubbing alcohol!" Jeff squirmed.
"This is the awfulest Shakespeare I've ever tasted. Flunk. Do not pass Go. I give this a one, and that one is a middle finger." We had found Sandy's limit! I would've been impressed, but I was too busy heaving citrus out of my mouth.
Jackie: 0/10
Sandy: 1/10
Randy: 1/10
Jeff: 0/10
This is an actual Thunderbird ad.
Jackie's spit take leaves a little to be desired, but a lot on your camera.
Kickback:
"Does it count as a kickback if you die?" Jackie asked. If you're not a seasoned -- and by seasoned I mean pickled -- drunk you're going to have a hell of a time downing this stuff and looking like you enjoy it.
"This smells like orange trees but tastes like battery acid," Sandy lamented. Thunderbird is the liquid equivalent of the guy with the candy in his van. It starts out a little weird, but you think you can handle yourself. The next thing you know you're sobbing uncontrollably and taking your 33rd consecutive shower.
Jackie: 0/10
Sandy: 1/10
Randy: 0/10
Jeff: 1/10
Would we drink it again? Are you out of your Frost-ing mind? Some of us might not be able to drink water again.
"Not quite Denny's, but that's a good thing"
Proving we were now officially quite drunk, we made ourselves a pile of pizza rolls, meatballs, and ranch dressing (which actually isn't a bad wine pairing with Boone's) and sat down to tally the results.
FINAL SCORES:
Morgan David 20/20
Appearance: 4.0/10
Bouquet/Taste: 3.0/10
Kickback: 2.5/10
Boone's Farm
Appearance: 7.0/10
Bouquet/Taste: 7.8/10
Kickback: 9.5/10
Thunderbird
Appearance: 3.8/10
Bouquet/Taste: 0.5/10
Kickback: 0.5/10
The winner by a landslide was Boone's Farm! It was also our highest-scoring cheap booze on the whole test, making it the drink of choice for discerning alcoholics.
As the night wore down and Jeff and Sandy retreated to various places to pass out, Jackie and I made our way to the gas station for, of course, more beer. When we got there I realized neither one of us had shoes.
"It'll be okay if you go in," she assured me. Made sense to me. I sped inside, no clerk. I grabbed a six pack and beelined for the counter before my feet would be spotted.
"Aw, man, I can't sell beer to you, you got no SHOES!" Damn. Busted.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah man. Plus it's like 3 in the morning, why don't you have shoes?" I walked out without explaining myself. Jackie and I found are way back to her place and snuck a bottle of rum from the liquor cabinet. We spent the rest of the wee hours throwing rocks from a bridge and dancing to Rod Stewart's greatest hits, which is how I think any good taste test should end.
Got a product you'd like to see tested in ZUG's Crappy Consumer Reports? Post it below!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
38 votes
4.5
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
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John Hargrave
08/07/2009 04:22 PM
Absolutely the funniest installment of the series.
"I give this a one, and that one is the middle finger" should be a T-shirt slogan.
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0 votes
0.0
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Count Ravos
08/07/2009 04:42 PM
However, 'Coleridgeburn' got rated? I am guessing that is one I am glad you did not describe.
He really went into detail, even rating the after-effects Thunderbird had on his penis. Which I didn't need to know, but at least it's better coming out than going down.
Definitely the best so far! Well done good sir!
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0 votes
0.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez
08/07/2009 04:45 PM
Wow, my post vanished! Thank you for giving it a proper memorial, Ravos.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Dogs Akimbo
08/07/2009 04:46 PM
I gave you a 5 for "Morgan David," just in case you did it on purpose.
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0 votes
0.0
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I are Nipples
08/07/2009 05:02 PM
Hilarious to say the least. Nice prison toilet reference too.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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KChikita Banana Box
08/07/2009 05:11 PM
The fact that I could read the final two of this series WHILE HUNGOVER shows that I've earned my beer wings.
Bravo.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace
08/08/2009 03:24 AM
Came here for the Night Train; missed it.
funny though.
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0 votes
0.0
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Randall Cleveland
08/08/2009 06:06 AM
Our Coleridgeburn review fell to the cutting room floor, but you can read the Director's Cut here.
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0 votes
0.0
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Hammerhead
08/08/2009 03:33 PM
I agree with Jeff. This was by far the funniest of the four installments. Yay for getting schlitzed in the name of bullShakespeare comedy science.
Back when I was in college, a buddy and I went to visit some friends who served us two buck chuck. It's got about as much alcohol effect as a glass of grape juice. I needed a beer afterwords just to have something with alcohol in my system. Then, for some reason, it was decided that we should cut it with some Sprite. Now we had Shakespearety Shirley Temples. Luckily I found real wine was absolutely nothing like that bottle of kool-aid.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
08/09/2009 10:55 PM
That was Frost-ing beautiful, man. It should be required reading at all college freshman orientations.
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0 votes
0.0
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Redwing
08/09/2009 11:11 PM
Damn, Thunderbird is $4.99 now?
I can't even afford to hit rock bottom these days.
Good arcticle, I assume the next one will be titled "worst hangover ever."
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0 votes
0.0
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Fiodor Patrovitch
08/13/2009 03:38 PM
What about Colt 45 ??
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0 votes
0.0
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Count Ravos
08/13/2009 04:05 PM
Colt 45 was in part 3.
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0 votes
0.0
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probably drunk
08/23/2009 12:51 AM
this was a great article. i've never laughed so much reading a blog post. quick suggestion for cheap beer enthusiasts: Milwaukee's Best, AKA, "THE BEAST."
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Gruffy
08/25/2009 01:09 AM
I've been writing MD 20/20 for years trying to pitch the idea of the slogan "Theres a Fight in Every Bottle". Unfortunately they never respond
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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hurricane567
08/28/2009 04:50 AM
No Night Train or Cisco. No Lazer Malt Liquor. No beer in a white can that just said "Beer" on it. Nothing in a plastic bottle. Oh well, its funny anyway
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Ditdah
10/20/2009 11:39 PM
Many years ago when I was in college (hey - Frost YOU - it wasn't THAT many years ago. Like, 12.) I was dating a guy who said he'd like to have a romantic evening in. He said he'd rent a movie, get some wine, and we could snuggle on the couch together. (The fact that I was dating guys who actually used the word "snuggle" should have been a big ole red flag.)
I got to his place, and he mentioned that he hadn't gotten the movie or the wine yet. Ok, fine, let's go to Blockbuster. (Yes, there were ways to rent movies before Netflix.) He drove, and he wouldn't let me run in to get the movie - he told me to trust him. I was a tad worried I'd be getting some war movie or something involving Sylvester Stallone, but I let him go. He came out and I said "hand me the bag." I looked inside and saw a Richard Gere romantic drama about knights and castles and the like - First Knight, maybe? Anyway, pretty good for a guy looking for a chick flick, so I nodded my approval.
My trust started draining, however, we he pulled up to the Speedway convinence store. Maybe he waShakespeare-ing the ATM? No such luck "Let me run in and grab some wine." Now in college I surely wasn't a wine snob, but I was pretty sure that quality wine was not often purchased at Speedway. Still, like a good girlfriend I kept my mouth shut and let him make his purchases. Fearing the worst, I didn't even look in the bag.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Ditdah
10/20/2009 11:39 PM
Fast forward 20 minutes or so, when I'm sitting on his couch queueing up the movie. The room is dim, he's lit candles, and I'm looking forward to a romantic evening. (Meaning whatever fun came after the cheesy flick.) He walks in the room with the wine - two bottles of Boone's Farm. One was peach somethingorother, the other strawberry somethingjustasawful. I almost fell off the couch, but tried not to show how stupid I thought the purchase was.
Although I'm fairly sure I didn't hide my disgust when he went to get the glasses out of the cabinet, and proceded to pour the suggary crap into margarita glasses, complete with cactus stems.
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