Jesus Spotting
A comedy article
by Mighty Kind  36,182  48
08/07/2009 01:26 PM 578 views
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I was stopped at a light while driving home from work last night when I spotted a personalized license plate on a white mini-van two cars up in the other lane. I have always tried to decipher these gems of American wit, such as ICUNVME and 2COOL4U, so I pulled further up for a closer look. Just as I was able to make it out, the light changed and the van pulled away. It read IROSE4U.
IROSE4U? What kind of crazy personalized plate message is that? Then it hit me. Who came back from the dead for us with the promise of life eternal? Who walked on water and healed the sick and infirm? What was the most celebrated case of zombieism ever known? JESUS CHRIST!
So here I am sharing a road in the hills of Arkansas with the savior himself, and it looked like Dale Earnhardt had been giving him driving lessons in the afterlife. I mean he was flying down the road like a scalded assed cat, not that I know what a scalded assed cat moves like, but I have heard stories.
I gripped the wheel and jammed on the gas in an attempt to catch up to the glorious and elusive Christ. I had many questions that I wanted answered, and if anyone could it would be my undead hero, J.C. I had already figured out why he was driving the white mini-van so I scratched that one from the list. He needed room for all the poor souls he was going to save, and it was white because you wouldn't expect Jesus to be driving the A-team van now would you?
I needed to know:
Are we all screwed because it was John and not you that said we could eat pork?
The pavement for the highway to hell?
Are you pissed that Santa Clause hijacked your birthday?
THIS TIME IT'S PROTESTANT
Was it hard when you found out that your real dad was a big celebrity?
Sure everyone knows about my book but I've always really wanted to direct
What about Mary Magdeline? Was she hot? I mean come on, Jesus, you were in your 30s which is like being like 100 now, so you can't tell me you weren't tappin' something in between miracles.
Look I can turn water into wine, turning this into 12 inches is nothing
Oh by the way, could you take a look at this rash?
Uhhh, a little lower
Those questions and more raced through my mind in the same way that I was herding my little Ford Ranger through the tangle of retirees and hillbillies that make up the demographic of our community. Sweat poured from my concentration-furrowed brow as I gained ground on the king of kings. Fate then smiled down upon me as the mini-van got caught by a red light just as I had passed the last vehicle between me and the giver of eternal salvation.
I took one last look at the license plate as I was about to jump out and start banging on his window, and lo, I beheld my wonderous mistake.
The plate read 1ROSE4U, not IROSE4U. This wasn't the second coming of Christ, it was a flower delivery van. Crestfallen, I waited for the light to change and upon passing my misidentified target I saw FLOWERS-BY-WHOEVER stenciled across the side. I guess my questions will have to wait.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
16 votes
3.7
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Unknown Duck 530  6
08/07/2009 01:38 PM
Fictional characters are hard to spot.
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Funny
9 votes
3.3
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
08/07/2009 02:34 PM
The first thing I thought of when I saw the title of this thread was:
"Jesus has feminine issues?!?"
Then I realized that I've been married far too long, and my wife shares entirely too much personal information with me.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Maruti Driver. With healthy nuts! 360 10
08/07/2009 03:16 PM
You got it all wrong!
What the licence plate meant is that his penis rose for you! See? You should feel flattered. Or flattened if it was a big penis.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1836707
Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/07/2009 07:41 PM
Greatest article about Jesus EVAR!
You've got style, kid.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054216538
Brad Poynter 36,182 48
11/24/2011 10:31 AM
I am thankful I almost found Jesus.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,597 32
11/24/2011 10:50 AM
Trust Jesus, but get a receipt.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Autra 10,560 11
11/25/2011 01:17 AM
Wow, seeing a random thread I posted in 2 years ago is strange.
Also, a period joke? Really?!?
God, I suck.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054216606
Jeeni <3 Pumpkin Pie & Eggnog 47,804 51
11/25/2011 07:36 AM
I saw the last comment in this thread first and thought you had written a joke about the 1800's. Boy was I wrong!
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