The Jail Chronicles.
A comedy article
by Bill the Squirrel  53,130  53
08/07/2009 02:21 PM 1519 views
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Jail was just like my first time getting a blow job from a girl with braces; lots of metal, some pain and it was an experience I never wanted to repeat, but I did, several times.
My first stay in jail was only a matter of hours so I'll skip it and move to the second, which just happened to be a matter of hours after I was released the first time. What kind of moron gets released at 8:00 am and goes back at 12:30 the next morning? Oh yeah, ME! I blame the tequila, and the whisky, and the beer, and the pot, and.... Well you get the picture.
I was picked up at an auto parts store (the one right next to the bar). I had broken the front window, staggered in, grabbed the keys to one of the parts cars, and then passed out under the parts counter. If I had staggered in and passed out, it would have been drunk in public and vandalism. I would have been released the next day with a fine and restitution. Since I had the keys to a parts car, my charge was commercial burglary. I got 6 months in county jail.
(the actual jail window I looked out)
The first thing I had to do after I was booked and finger printed was strip down naked (they didn't even give me a stripper pole or music). I put all my clothes in a paper bag while standing there au natural on a cold floor, in a cold room, watching my penis crawl up inside me. If little bill had crawled up any farther, they would have moved me to the women's jail. After all of the clothes were processed and the inmates were ready (ready means standing shoulder to shoulder with men you don't know, butt bare assed naked), everyone was told to bend over at the waist, spread their butt cheeks and cough. Meanwhile a deputy was shining a flashlight at my chocolate starfish, seeing if I had shoved anything up into my anal cavity so I could smuggle it into the jail. Not to digress or anything but, I wonder how that deputy describes his day at work to his wife when he got home? "Yeah honey, I found 2 gerbils, an ounce of meth and Osama bin Laden in some guys ass today."
(kinda like this, except not green)
After my rectal exam, I was allowed to get dressed.
The first thing they handed out clothing wise was underwear. Socks, tee-shirt and tighty whiteys (John would like it in jail). This wouldn't be so bad except for this fact; they were used, they had been worn by other inmates, in other words "THEY WERE Frost-ing GROSS!" The pair I was handed had a faint brown stain, on the inside and outside of them.
(Johns Alli experiment photo)
The skinny guy next to me said to the deputy, "I need a new pair, these are not clean." The deputies started laughing, took the old pair and handed him a pair that was like 4x in size complete with skid marks. I kept my mouth shut. The rest of the clothes were pretty standard, pants, over shirt and shower shoes except everything 2 sizes to big. Then they took us to our cells.
All in all it was completely humiliating but, it was a cake walk compared to the rest of my stay.
Next: Jail House Riots!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Chuckleworthy
11 votes
2.7
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Neophyte 9,942  10
08/07/2009 02:26 PM
...why?
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Unknown Duck 530 6
08/07/2009 02:45 PM
Because maybe Part 2 will be funny.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/07/2009 03:31 PM
(kinda like this, except not green)
Looks like Kermit got some Shakespeare on his hand!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/07/2009 05:44 PM
And while we're at it, Kermit sure has a huge Emerson! I guess Fozzy's bear sized love was a bit much for him.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ali_Legend 840 7
08/07/2009 05:51 PM
I like jail stories because it helps me prepare entertains me.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,123 71
08/10/2009 11:05 AM
I enjoyed it and look forward to Part 2, particularly if Bill tries to orchestrate a Shawshank Redemption-like escape.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Dude, Where's My Lobstah? 17,427 30
08/31/2009 08:52 AM
That jail looks surprisingly like the barracks at Mayport Naval Base, FL.
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0 votes
0.0
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TomServo 3,752 7
08/31/2009 10:16 AM
And people say I don't read threads.... My bad Bill... Had my first recently
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Pubah 54,900 17
08/31/2009 09:10 PM
Navy people have small portals
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Jeeni 43,386 49
10/06/2009 11:23 AM
What a colorful life you live!
...and by "colorful" I mean, Shakespeare brown.
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