The Epic Battle
A comedy article
by I are Nipples  2,207  7
08/12/2009 12:49 PM 900 views
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The Epic Battle
'Twas a warm summer night in 2007. My girlfriend Laura and I had spent a lovely day at The Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, in the warm California sun. We didn't fight about anything the entire day. We rode rides, ate giant corn dogs, walked up and down the beach stepping on piss clams.. you know, things that happy couples do.
the piss clam capital of the world
We got home around 7:30-8:00, and Laura decided we hadn't spent enough of my money. She wanted to go to TGIFriday's. I was pretty hungry since we hadn't eaten any dinner, so I obliged.
When we got there, we sat at the bar and ordered some delicious fried green beans and a couple of beers. Pretty soon a couple of beers turned into a couple of cocktails, a couple of cocktails turned into a couple of shots, and a couple of people turned into a couple of drunks. A couple of hungry drunks at that, seeing as all we'd had to eat were the green beans. We decided In and Out would be much more delicious than anything Friday's had, so we closed our tab and we were off to In and Out.
In and Out is a pinnacle of California fast food cuisine. My favorite item there is the Animal Style Fries, which consists of spread(comparable to a thicker thousand island), grilled onions, cheese, fries, and awsomeness.
mmmm... fattening
Laura offered to pay for the food since I bought the drinks, which I definitely didn't complain about. So we ordered our Shakespeare and left.
When we got home we started to divide our food. One burger for me, one burger for her, one drink for me, one drink for her, but then came the Animal fries. In 2007 these fries came in a short but long cardboard box to accomodate two trays of fries, which before this night I thought to be ingenious. The only problem with this was on the bottom of the box there are what I like to call "box fries". 10-12 fries adhered to the bottom of the box via cheese and spread. I took a tray of fries out and handed it to Laura. And that's when it started...
"Um, no." she blurted,"I paid for them, so I should get the box fries". Normally I wouldn't have cared and I would've just stolen a few of her fries when she wasn't looking. But I was drunk, and so was she, so this meant war.
I started to think about the previous year when she couldn't hold a job for more than a week because she was going to school, and then she quit going to school too so she pretty much sat around all day while I supported her. The more I thought about it, the more pissed I got.
"I SUPPORTED YOU ALL LAST YEAR!! IF ANYTHING, I SHOULD GET ALL THE FRIES!!"
She grabbed my burger, stood up, threw it on the floor, and started smashing it into the carpet! Now I was really pissed. I just sat there glaring at her, eating my fries one by one, while she stared directly into my eyes, grinning an evil grin, and grinding my delicious burger further and further into the carpet fibers.
Finally, I grabbed her burger and chucked it at her! Lettuce, tomato, cheese, the whole shebang exploded off of the side of her head as what could have been our last meal as a couple had turned into the first and only food fight I'd ever been in.
As she angerly stomped off to our room, she stumbled a little bit, and SPLAT(or whatever you think it sounds like when frieShakespeare the ground). She dropped her whole tray of fries on the floor, and stood there, crying, as I fell on the floor laughing histerically.
She grabbed a handful of what was now known as "floor fries", threw them at me, and ran into our room. She hit me dead on in the face with the fries. By this point I wasn't even angry anymore. But, being the drunkard I was at the moment, I had to retaliate. I looked at my poor burger laying on the floor. It never did anything to anyone. It was meant to bring joy to whoever had purchased it. I picked it up. I looked at it for a second and thought "We'll get her back my dear burger!".
I looked around the living room for any of Laura's possesions I could possibly ruin with this burger. Her shoes! Perfect! I grabbed her shoes and began stuffing the burger into them like an angry camper trying to get a deflated air matress back into the box.
this is what you get when you google shoe burger
Just as I was finishing, Laura walked out. She looked at me as if I had stuffed a double cheeseburger into her shoes for some reason. She immediately went for my shoes now. She pulled the front door open, stepped outside, and chucked one of them as far as she could. As soon as I realized what she was doing I slammed the door behind her and locked it.
It gets a little bit like an episode of Intervention after all this, as she starts banging on the door, yelling and crying histerically. I sat on the couch while this was happening thinking "This would have never happened if we weren't so damn drunk". I got up, walked to the door, and told her "I'm only going to open the door if you calm down". She agreed, and I let her in. After all that, we sat on the couch and looked at the tomato and lettuce all over the wall, the sauce, meat, and bun fragments stomped into the carpet, the leftover fries on the floor in front of our bedroom door, and before we knew it, we were fully engaged in an uproar of laughter. Neither of us could believe what we were capable of when transformed into a couple of drunken idiots. It was by far the funniest moment me and Laura have ever experienced as a couple. It was also the worst fight we'd ever been in, ironically.
Needless to say, we don't drink very much anymore. I'm pretty sure In and Out heard about this whole fiasco at some point too, because their animal fries come in individual containers now. I'm assuming it's to prevent any drunken food fights over box fries.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
18 votes
4.3
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0 votes
0.0
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Moe Lester 5  4
08/12/2009 12:58 PM
sweeeeeeeeet.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ali 8=====D- - - -< Legend 844 7
08/12/2009 12:58 PM
I liked the advert underneath the article talking about losing weight, and how the article was featured around burgers.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Moe Lester 5 4
08/12/2009 01:00 PM
Really? On mine it mentioned something about one goddamn fine steak.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/12/2009 01:22 PM
I think the shoe burger is going to be Pram's favorite food, if it wasn't already.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
08/12/2009 01:26 PM
Mine has a half naked chick inviting me to start a journey and calling me lord... not really sure what to make of that.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/12/2009 01:29 PM
As a conosur of teh Animal Fries, you guys suck ass for wasting them!
As a semi-literate reader, you rock nipples! Great freaking article!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Reverend Dave Rodriguez 2,413 0
08/12/2009 02:02 PM
I immediately gave you a five banger for the animal fries, sweet, sweet heaven(aptly named because you will have a heart attack much sooner in life from eating them), but when I realized you wasted them, and I don't care what the reason is, I wanted to take it back.
What the hell were you guys thinking? Why the food? was there not any other weapons around? You could have killed the other and eaten both meals! It would have been win-win.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,601 32
08/12/2009 02:22 PM
we don't drink very much anymore
Your lives have gone to Shakespeare since then, eh?
You stopped liking having fun?
I'm pretty much speechless.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/12/2009 02:30 PM
Animal fries that aren't made of animals?
Pass.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
08/12/2009 03:19 PM
Hilarious, and slightly disturbing, story.
As an enormous fan of In 'N' Out (who can only enjoy them when traveling to the West Coast), I was astounded to find out about Animal Fries. I knew about the Animal BURGER, but this takes junk food to a whole new level. Thank you thank you thank you!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/12/2009 03:56 PM
There is nothing...I repeat, NOTHING...like a good food fight.
Awesome.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
08/12/2009 05:50 PM
Thank you for the truly hilarious story and for making me actually 'lol'!!
Kind of reminds me of a time on holiday with my long term boyfriend (now ex boyfriend funnily enough) when we'd had a bit to drink, he bought a novelty coke bottle with an extended twisty sort of neck from a store and it got packaged in a lovely lightweight cardboard packaging.
After getting in from our evening (and having a few local beverages), he puts his coke present on the table of the apartment and opens the window. Within three seconds, the coke bottle packaging (containing said deformed coke bottle) was caught by a gust of wind and landed on the tiled floor with a ominous thud.
A couple of seconds of suspense passed whilst I stood there wide eyed at the packaging on the floor which slowly started to leak brown fluid.
"Ooooh shaith." I thought...
Unfortunately for me (and the cleaner) he doesn't not laugh things off very easily and he ended up launching the entire packaging, broken coke bottle contents and all, up the side of the apartment room wall and it even seemed to catch most the ceiling somehow.
I didn't realise the extent of his temper tantrum until the next morning where it appears that he attempted to redecorate our white apartment with coke splatter. Dulux would not have been impressed.
I'd like to say thats what ended our relationship but unfortunately we went for a further 3 years before I dumped him.
(A funny side note to the story is that he decided to get another coke bottle for the journey home and keep it in his hand luggage on the plane but insisted in keeping it in his hands during the flight. He put it on the tray in his seat and the person infront managed to lean the seat back onto the tray and crush the second bottle sloooooowly.... The coke dribbled all down his legs... it was the second bottle in two days...
Buahahahah)
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0 votes
0.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/12/2009 07:54 PM
You should've put the box fries down your pants.
On the negative side, you couldn't eat them anymore
On the plus side, she might've.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,511 19
08/12/2009 08:42 PM
Nice story, Nipples.
Santa Cruz Boardwalk made me want to ask where you live. I may ask you that at a later date.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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subhuman 576 4
08/12/2009 08:53 PM
My guess is northern California.
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0 votes
0.0
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I are Nipples 2,207 7
08/13/2009 10:30 AM
Ding ding ding!! Tell subhuman what he's(he.. right?) won Johnny!
Thanks for the kudos everyone. It's nice to know that my brush with drunken domestic violence is humorous to other people too.
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