Ali 8=====D- - - -< Legend 840 7
08/12/2009 04:42 PM

Also, isn't my name oh-so appropriate?

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Zolton 87,649 31
08/12/2009 04:47 PM

"It was a dark and stormy skeet."

FIN

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,338 4
08/12/2009 04:51 PM

Go.

I did.

That was it.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/12/2009 05:11 PM

Ali 8=======D- - - -< Legend

Yeah Ali, thats a hell of a name. A hell of a nose on that picture too.

I just need to know what kind of stories you want...

-Getting caught stories like another poster suggested?

-Shooting for distance?

-Biggest splash in the toilet bowl?

-Best fantasy you think of while jerking?

Because I have tons of stories as I whack it about twice a day on average need to know ssssssso I can ask around because I'd never do a thing like that myssssself.



god damn sssssssticky keyboard

MungChamp 35,886 35
08/12/2009 05:32 PM

I was having a good time, drinking and carousing at GABlanta that one Saturday evening. I made the rounds, played a few hands of cards, then decided to sit down next to Taco, who was laying there on the couch looking faintly miserable. I asked her what was going on and she explained to me about the chronic insomnia she suffered from. I felt sorry for her and offered to maybe help out a little by giving her a back rub.

She agreed and turned more fully onto her tummy as I straddled her thighs. I made sure my hands were warm enough, then I pulled the blanket aside and gently at first, began rubbing her shoulder blades. With a bit more pressure, I slowly worked my way down to the small of her back and up again to the nape of her neck. I used my fingertips and knuckles to work some sensitive areas, always working from her spine on out. I skidded the palms of my hands in a swirling motion around her ribcage like an ancient floor buffer --slow, firm and steady. Her eyes were closed, her breathing slow and regular, the pinched look of discomfort finally gone from her face.

I was nipping her lips, her tongue, her ear, her throat... teasing... so fully involved that I barely noticed her begin to unbutton her blouse, then start to tug on my tie, half-choking me in the process of trying to take it off. I loosened the knot, slipping my tie free from around my neck with one hand, unbuttoning my shirt with the other. She stumbled over the blanket on the floor but managed to land gracefully on the bed. My shirt had barely hit the carpet when I was upon her, my kisses more insistent now. She lay back onto the bed, naked to the waist, eagerly pulling me on top of her.

FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
08/12/2009 05:32 PM

brb. I've just seen Brad Pitt on tv. I'll come back with a story in 15.


K thnx bye.

MungChamp 35,886 35
08/12/2009 05:40 PM

Just checked out FunkysMunkey's profile.

Be back in 1.5 minutes

subhuman 576 4
08/12/2009 05:46 PM

Wait, is this a race? Shouldn't there be a piece of cake or bread or something in the middle?

steamy stool 235 4
08/12/2009 05:46 PM

Get me a plunger, gas mask, a pair of knee high socks, a vise, and an erotic picture of a donkey and I'll have a story ready for you in ahhhh... never mind.

steamy stool 235 4
08/12/2009 05:47 PM

So I was on ZUG asking for masturbation supplies, one thing led to another, and I ended up with a mess in my trousers.

FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
08/12/2009 05:52 PM

Wait, is this a race? Shouldn't there be a piece of cake or bread or something in the middle?

Never heard of the band Limp Bizkit?

FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
08/12/2009 05:53 PM

Wait, is this a race? Shouldn't there be a piece of cake or bread or something in the middle?

Never heard of the band Limp Bizkit?

FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
08/12/2009 05:54 PM

Shame on me for the double post.

Mung. See you round the bike sheds in 5. *Nudge nudge wink wink*

Oh wait.. Masterbation. Riiiiiight.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/12/2009 06:14 PM

I was having a good time, drinking and carousing at GABlantaSQUIRT

UnderWhere? 99,723 76
08/12/2009 06:20 PM

Mung, that story was kinda creepy.

Unknown Duck 530 6
08/12/2009 06:38 PM

iam having ahard time typing this witg my left hand,

The Mailman 174,473 52
08/12/2009 08:44 PM

Mung, that story was kinda creepy.

... and it smells like rosemary. Or tarragon. Or something like that.

The Mailman 174,473 52
08/12/2009 09:27 PM

Back when I was a teenager, I used to spend a lot of time at my friend Boris' house, because he had an Amiga computer and we liked to play video games on it. Boris had a brother, Fred, who was one year younger than us.

One day, the three of us were playing a game on the computer. Fred eventually excused himself to go to the bathroom, while Boris and I continued to play the game.

The bathroom had two doors: one to the corridor of the apartment, and one directly into Boris' room; but since it was the only bathroom in the apartment, the family had decided that people should access the bathroom through the corridor only, and they blocked the door to Boris' room with a big wooden armoire.

Five minutes after Fred had left, Boris said: "My brother is not back yet. He must be taking a dump."
He paused the game and told me that he wanted to play a little joke on his brother: I would help him move the armoire that blocked the door, and he would then scare the Shakespeare out of his brother by bursting in the bathroom through the door, while he was sitting on the can.

(I must say now, twenty years later, that I wonder why a guy would ever want to surprise his brother while he was sitting on the toilet, but we were teenagers: retarded bahaviour was pretty common for us. Then again, when you think about it, scaring the Shakespeare out of someone while they're taking a dump is actually a pretty helpful and thoughtful gesture.)

The Mailman 174,473 52
08/12/2009 09:28 PM

After we pushed the armoire aside, Boris grabbed the door handle, started giggling, and burst in the bathroom shouting, "SO HOW'S YOUR DUMP GOING!?"

He never finished that sentence. There was no one sitting on the toilet. Fred was not taking a dump. He was standing in front of the sink, pants down to his ankles, Coleridge in hand, rubbing one out.

There was a long silence between the two brothers. When Boris finally closed the door, he turned back to me and let out a satisfied, yet uncomfortable laugh. His joke had worked better than he imagined, because he gave his brother an even bigger scare that he was aiming for. At the same time, it also scarred him for life.

Mr.Coffee 881 10
08/12/2009 11:49 PM

I'm doing it right now! typing one-handed takes a long time.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
08/12/2009 11:52 PM

Rookie! It's a challenge when you have to aim the shot off to the side so the woman doesn't see.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
08/12/2009 11:53 PM

while your typing. And looking at porn.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/13/2009 12:13 AM

He never finished that sentence. There was no one sitting on the toilet. Fred was not taking a dump. He was standing in front of the sink, pants down to his ankles, Coleridge in hand, rubbing one out.

Sooooo..... What did you do to turn him on?

You should've lended a hand

just sayin'

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/13/2009 12:22 AM

For Mr. Coffee so it can save him a step.


Excuse me



fap fap fap fap

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,338 4
08/13/2009 07:14 AM

Once upon a sixth or seventh grade school day I was late to gym class and the coach (who also had the same last name I do and called everyone by their last name) noticed I was late and told me to go change and get back to the gym with everyone else. (I can only imagine how many of you like the way this is starting already.)

Well after changing, I went to the large, door-less bathroom section of the locker-room to take a leak. Well the locker-room had a big, heavy metal door, so I'd be able to hear if someone was coming into the locker-room and, besides, our coach wasn't exactly known to whisper. This, combined with the fact that I was still trying my hand at this brand new masturbating thing I invented, led me to the notion that I should pull one out before going back out on the floor. So after standing in front of a urinal and reminiscing over a few old flings I'd had with some worn and sticky Hustler's, I knocked some dick snot in the water and down the drain.

Just as I was finished, zipped up, and filled with the satisfaction a paraplegic would get from winning a marathon, Coach Andrews busted in and started yelling. "Andrews! What the hell is taking you so long! Get your lazy ass out on the floor!" He then proceeded to push me out towards the door, which I didn't appreciate in my new-found euphoric youthful state, so my response was naturally, "Get your hands off me you dirty faggot."

I realized what I'd said before I was done saying the word 'faggot,' and much to my surprise, I was not reprimanded. Then, the end of class came and I heard the all too familiar, "Andrews, laps." So I started jogging around the gym all alone, wondering how long I'd have to do this as the bell should ring in a little bit, when I saw the door open and prematurely thought, "Woo! Finally."

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,338 4
08/13/2009 07:14 AM

I thank the protective callous of guilt and shame that comes from attending catholic school (different school) that shielded me from the associative imprinting I could have received from what happened next. Assuming I was getting off easy for calling the walking advertisement for high blood pressure medicine what he despised the most, a blatant homosexual, I slowed down started walking towards the door.

"Keep running, Andrews." Frost! So I keep running and don't really think anything of the fact that the bell just rang and that he just held the door open for four of the bigger, blacker football players. Well, they weren't running laps though, "What's up with that?" As I finished a lap and came close to them I soon found out. I naively jogged past them and soon felt a pressure in my back and something in my brains told me, "Hey, that's a foot." Well I suppose they were just making sure my brain had enough practice at recognizing what feet and knuckles felt like when pressed very quickly against various parts of my body. I gave a little of my own tutoring session, including kicking a knee in, but I got dropped pretty quick. After, around a long 90 second lesson, the coach called them back to the locker-room and told me to get up and change. The rest of my day kind of sucked after that, but I still masturbate to this very day.

Moral of the story: Coach Andrews is a faggot.

P.S. Sorry there wasn't more masturbating in the story, but some people do get off on this kind of thing.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/13/2009 10:04 AM

four of the bigger, blacker football players

That would have gotten my ex wife plugging away at her vagina with her dildo like she was drilling for oil. Would've waxed the floor!

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Zolton 87,649 31
08/13/2009 10:39 AM

Are these the guys who kicked your ass?:



The ruffians!

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/13/2009 11:19 AM

hides under the desk

THEY'RE BACK!

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21 Hides under the desk
08/13/2009 11:19 AM

THEY'RE BACK!

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/13/2009 11:21 AM

You scared me so much with the picture of those hooligans that I couldn't even post properly.

Thanks alot!

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,212 16
08/13/2009 11:44 AM

I was just now surfing the interweb for free porn to masturbate to.

I came across (pun intended) a site called RedTube, which Im sure many of you know of.

Anyhow, I was tired of the same old "teen in shower" or "MILF sucks for cum" or "Girl on Girl" type stuff. So I clicked on the catagory Wild & Crazy.

Scrolling down the page I see the words. "man with two dicks"... I had to see.

The video starts playing. There is a dark haired hottie naked and being banged by a man with two dicks! This guy had not only one huge dick, but he had a "smaller" dick under the huge dick! The smaller dick is still bigger then mine on a good day!

I am pissed! Here is a guy with a 11 incher and a 8 incher Frost-ing a hot chick. And here I am with my 2 inch killer jerking off, and crying at the same time, to it. God hates me.

Any way I wiped up, came to Live. And behold; There was a post about masturbation. Zug works in mysterious ways.






P.S. Forgive any typos or misspellings, my hands are still a bit sticky.

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Zolton 87,649 31
08/13/2009 12:20 PM

I'm not sure a ZUG regular crysturbating to mutant porn, then seeing a Live thread about jerking off is so much of a coincidence, really.

Seems more like 'law of averages', to me.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/13/2009 12:37 PM

I came across (pun intended) a site called RedTube, which Im sure many of you know of.

I am sure that not one personbut you has even HEARD of a site such as that....

Sicko!

(types in URL, sits and stares in awe)

That has to be so Frost-ing fake.

I'd like to see her deepthroat both of those though!

Pudding Pops the Rhymnocerous 1,275 9
08/13/2009 01:19 PM

Oh, this reminds me. Hey, alarm clock, your school asked me to send you this letter.

Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,338 4
08/13/2009 03:15 PM

Are these the guys who kicked your ass?:

I remember them being very similar, but blingier and with more feet and underwear.