The Infiltrator: Family Feud Audition
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon  2,232  7
08/13/2009 11:27 AM 9971 views
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One of my hobbies is infiltrating TV shows (like Jeopardy! and Blind Date). Often after I've appeared on one of these shows, TV producers will pass my name onto other shows, giving me a perfect opportunity for a new prank.
One day my phone rings. It's the Family Feud!
"We'd like your family to audition," a voice says. "Are you interested?"
"You bet I am!"
I do what any normal person in my position would: I assemble a fictional family of misfits so screwed up they make the Addams Family look like characters from a '60's TV show.
The lady on the phone tells me the Feud is seeking families with energy, enthusiasm and great interaction. We'll have none of that! I gather a bunch of friends and go to work. First we need a family name, one that sounds completely ridiculous when repeated over and over again. A name that sounds lewd and dirty. And that name is ... The Smunts! I call back and set a date.
"Please line up in the order I call you!" yells the contestant coordinator to the ten assembled families. We mingle, wearing matching T-shirts that say "Don't Mess With the Smunts!" Most of the women are either in floral dresses or denim; there's not a minority in the bunch.
First up are the Lances vs. the Watsons. Then it's our turn. We storm the podium. Kathy Baker first introduces her peppy, well-adjusted family comprised of a sales rep for a food company, an orthodontics-supply manager, and a university student.
"We're the Bakers!" shriek the Bakers in unison. "Woo! Woo!"
Eat Shakespeare, Bakers. Here come the Smunts! The producer, who looks like a bitter Joan Rivers, turns to me.
"OK, Eric, introduce everyone to me."
Arj, Carol, Mama, Happy, and me (as Eric Smunt).
I raise my fist in the air; on cue, the Smunts pound maniacally on the podium.
"You know," bitter Joan chastises us, "we can't pound on this because the mikes are set inside." This, along with some earlier shouting and threatening has pissed her off good.
"I'm Eric Smunt," I say, adorned in a cowboy hat. "I work for a firearm-distribution company."
Actual hissing comes from other families. "This is my lovely wife Carol. She works as a beautician." Carol sports a huge hickey on her neck. Then the uptight producer looks down at her list and says, "And next we have Carol. What do you do?"
"I'm a beautician," Carol says once more, shaking her feathered-hair.
The producer looks down at her list again. We're standing in the wrong order. Now she's really pissed off.
"And next to Carol we have Happy?"
"No, that's Arj."
Arj (who plays Dave on HBO's Flight of the Conchords) my brother is "special," in a hockey helmet wearing sort-of-way, drooling more than most people find acceptable. Happy, my other "brother" sports a hideous black eye. The producer scans the list. "I don't even have Arj's name down here. So how do you spell it, Arj?"
"A-r-g."
"J" corrects Carol.
"J," repeats Arj.
"OK. That's Arj. Well, what does he do?"
"Arj is a student and runs errands." I explain.
Arj in real life.
"And here's Mama," I say, pointing to a tiny Filipino woman with a thick accent. "And here's my brother Harold, or 'Happy' as we like to call him. He's a bouncer." Happy glares at the crowd with his hideous black eye.
"Happy's my half-brother," I state.
"Happy Smunt," says Arj.
Pleasantries over, it's time to PLAY THE FEUD!
"All right, let me have Eric and Kathy. Five answers on the board. Name something that gets better with age."
I hit the bell and scream "Wrinkles!"
The buzzer sounds. I am incorrect. The kiss-ass Bakers come back with WINE, the number-one answer.
"Sure, they get the easy ones," I snarl at Joan Rivers. "I don't believe this Shakespeare!" She seems to be getting quite nervous.
"OK, let me have Happy and Brian," she says. "Tell me a type of number people memorize."
Happy buzzes in.
"Pharmacist!"
The buzzer sounds.
"Not up there."
The Bakers use something called "strategy" and pass the question back to the Smunts.
"Listen to the question again," the host says solemnly. "Tell me a type of number people memorize."
"Phone sex!" I shout. More hissing from the crowd.
"Two," yells Arj.
It's time for the Fast Money round. We have 20 seconds to answer a series of rapid questions. The Bakers go first, answering their questions with confidence, composure and dignity. This is the last chance for the Smunts. Everything I've worked for, my entire game show career comes down to this.
"Name something you'd find in almost every fairy tale."
"Uh ... birds!" offers Mama Smunt.
"Birds?" asks the confused host, stunned by our profound stupidity.
"Shoes!" yells Arj.
"Name something you'd find in a jar in a little boys room."
"A jar," answers Carol.
People in the audience whisper and gasp at our stupidity. At the last moment, my lovely wife Carol changes her answers to "crickets."
"That's the number one answer!" cries the host.
Pointing to the heavens I chant "Isaiah 3:18! Isaiah 3:18!" and the rest of the Smunts join in.
Despite the last minute comeback The Smunts didn't make it on the Family Feud. But I won't give up. Look for me next week on Wheel of Fortune ... trying to "buy a bowel."
Harmon Leon is an American journalist and humorist, and the author of five books, including The American Dream. Follow his infiltration exploits at Freedomhaters.org.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
22 votes
4.3
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
08/13/2009 11:33 AM
Hilarious article.
I think "Happy Smunt" will be the name of my next band.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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subhuman 576 4
08/13/2009 11:37 AM
Harmon, Harmon, Harmon...why are you wasting your time with this penny ante crap? You smart and talented. Why piss it all away in this kind of silly stunt?
You need to play it straight through the auditions so you can make an ass of yourself on national TV.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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subhuman 576 4
08/13/2009 11:38 AM
You smart and talented.
And apparently, I'm not.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/13/2009 11:54 AM
Best infiltration yet! This one was really funny. Though I do agree that at some point you should try to actually pass an audition and get yourself on a show (and then wreck it).
Incidentally, my step-brother Henry is called Hank by most people, but I call him Happy. Partly after Hap in Death of a Salesman and partly because he's an angry Vietnam veteran with violent tendencies.
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0 votes
0.0
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Count Ravos 62,361 20
08/13/2009 12:02 PM
After they refuse to sell you a bowel, you should ask if you can buy a towel. Or a dowel.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ali 8=====D- - - -< Legend 840 7
08/13/2009 12:07 PM
Lmao, how do you get into these shows?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/13/2009 12:22 PM
You smart and talented.
Me Tarzan
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,153 11
08/13/2009 02:08 PM
2 I'm still laughing about that one.
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0 votes
0.0
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panicBoy 313 8
08/15/2009 10:26 AM
Arj and Poopy, Arj and Poopy.
What will they do next?
... Arj and Poopy...
(look that up.)
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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katers 3 3
08/20/2009 11:29 AM
The Bible verse making no sense for the situation was pretty hilarious
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0 votes
0.0
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HalloJeeni 43,373 49
10/21/2009 03:27 PM
It has become a ritual for me to read your articles aloud to my husband. With this one, I was laughing so hard, I was having trouble. Thanks for sharing your crazy escapades with us.
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