Twits of the Week: Dane Cook! Newt Gingrich! Perez Hilton!
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,000  13
08/14/2009 08:56 AM 3476 views
|
|
Each week I bring you ZUG.com's Twit of the Week, a smattering of celebrity stupidity for your enjoyment. Let's mock!
Dane Cook (@Danecook)
@GeorgeLopez beat me 4 Choice Comedian on the TCA. Heres the good news. I voted for George Lopez! CONGRATS man ur funny/good people. about 3 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
Cook is the manically-gyrating ass clown Comedy Central forced down your throat back in 2003. After growing up in Boston and memorizing Louis CK's bits, Dane Cook moved to Los Angeles and started doing some sort of comedy cover-band act in which he added his own little frat boy twist to jokes other people had already told. Since that first big comedy album he took a few awkward steps toward superstardom with drivel like Waiting and Employee of the Month. And a Comedy Central special every three and a half days.
Why are you tweeting that?!
The only place I could think of that would give you a choice between George Lopez and Dane Cook would be Hell. If you took George Lopez's set and replaced every reference to "Mexican" with the word "bro," I'm pretty sure you would have Cook's set. The fact that both of these sputtering morons were in one place, competing for an award, no less, and a gas main didn't rupture or the building didn't implode really kills any dwindling belief I had in a just and loving God.
Newt Gingrich (@newtgingrich)
The pelosi hoyer op ed in usa today is vey sad. They suggest criticizing health bill is "unamerican".their isolation is hard to believe. about 1 hour ago from TwitterBerry
Wait ... who?
At one point he was the cherubic face of the Republican Party. He saw to the end of 40 years of Democratic control of Congress and was Bill Clinton's never-ending itchy Emerson while serving as Speaker of the House from 1995 to 1999, when he resigned because the Republicans lost a couple elections. Now, with the right wing desperate for a reunion tour and for someone to please make more sense than birthers, tea baggers, and dittoheads, he's back. He still doesn't make any more sense than those other guys though.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Hi, Mr. Gingrich? I have the last eight years on the phone. You know why Democracts are resorting to calling anyone who opposes their flawed legislation "un-American?" Because your party made it work so well! Anyone daring to look up from their bunker for most of the last decade has been labeled a treasonous commie pinko, and now it suddenly doesn't seem right that a politician should question your patriotism for disagreeing. Had you come up with this revelation six or seven years ago I would've agreed with you. Of course shortly after I would've actually burst into flames for agreeing with Newt Gingrich.
Bill Paxton (@BillPaxton)
Something I've always wondered... What's sexier: a talented filmmaker or a talented actor? 7 minutes ago from Tweetie
Wait ... who?
"Game over man!" Sure Paxton's a pretty accomplished actor currently starring in HBO's "Big Love" and holding down roles in films like Apollo 13, True Lies, and Boxing Helena, and he does hold the distinction of having been killed by an alien (Aliens), a predator (Predator 2), and a terminator (The Terminator), but he'll always be the smart-assed douche running his trap, because 90% of his roles require it. Much like Tony Danza's penchant for playing guys named "Tony," Paxton's acting ability doesn't actually exist, and so he's really only got one button to press.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Because he's decided now that he's a filmmaker. After a tepid response to his direction of Frailty, Paxton went all ego trip on us and decided he's some sort of auteur now, despite his only other directorial work being The Greatest Game Ever Played. I haven't seen it, but I do know it's a Frost-ing Disney golf movie based on a true story and starring Shia "I don't need that hand" LaBeouf. Despite being a pretty successful actor and, y'know, married with two kids, Paxton still needs someone to come along and stroke his ego and tell him how pretty he looks for the 10 seconds a day he's behind a camera and not in front of one.
Perez Hilton (@PerezHilton)
What's the most embarrassing thing U have ever done? about 6 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
You remember. The giant, creepy, effeminate celebrity gossip columnist who got his ass handed to him (and not in the way he wanted) by Will.I.Am's entourage a few weeks ago. The failed actor and LGBT activist who took to blogging because nothing else really paid him for screwing off and talking Shakespeare about people. The big gay tip of the spear on our cultural transition to a fast-food micro-blogging celebrity-obsessed bunch of ADD patients running into walls, blogging about it, and crying that no one cares enough.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Have you just completely given up any attempt to make it look like you care about your job, Perez? You're a gossip columnist. Dig up some dirt, for god's sake! This is just Hilton's way of taking notes for potential stories further down the road, but the sad thing is the vapid celebs he befriends are pathetic enough that they actually leap at the chance to share horrifying moments simply so someone else will talk about them for awhile. People are now actively seeking out and delivering information to paparazzi like Perez Hilton. My soul just died a little.
And your Twit of the Week is...
Kimora Lee Simmons! (@BabyPhat)
i do have an idea, but need some time. hope u can wait for a little bit. 11:12 AM Aug 8th from mobile web
Wait ... who?
She's the tranny-esque Korean/African-American with the Japanese name who married Russell Simmons and "took over" Phat Fashions when her husband "stepped down" and handed it to her to give her something to do. Recently she got divorced, knocked up, had a baby, and shacks up with someone named Djimon Hounsou, which sounds like an appetizer at Panda Express. She's on TV with her show "Life in the Fab Lane" and she's written a "lifestyle manual" titled Fabulosity: What it is and How to Get It. So, y'know, add that one to your summer reading for sure.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Similar to Amanda Bynes in last week's column, Kimora can't be bothered to come up with her own unique idea to tweet about. Apparently Lee Simmons has re-wired that little mental switch that says, "I have nothing to say, so I'll just turn off my mouth for awhile" and turned it into a dimmer. Sure, the output may lessen a bit, but you're never going to get the damn thing to turn off, and so we're all blessed with the teasing idea that somewhere a woman whose balls are hanging below the hem of her skirt might, possibly, at some point, have an idea. And want to share it with us.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it below! And don't forget to follow @zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
14 votes
4.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837500
|
|
|
|
|
|
Also Recommended on ZUG:
|
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837506
Millie 116,854  28
08/14/2009 09:26 AM
I think I love you.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
6 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837507
A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/14/2009 09:27 AM
What's the most embarrassing thing U have ever done? about 6 hours ago from web
I'd say that god damn picture would be a start!
As for Dane cook.... Dane Cook, a twit? It didn't take that tweet to make anyone realize this I hope.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837519
Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/14/2009 10:10 AM
I think I love you.
So what are you so afraid of?
Another home run, Mr. Cleveland. Kudos.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
2 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837574
peoriagrace 6,153 11
08/14/2009 06:48 PM
but the sad thing is the vapid celebs he befriends are pathetic enough that they actually leap at the chance to share horrifying moments simply so someone else will talk about them for awhile. People are now actively seeking out and delivering information to paparazzi like Perez Hilton. My soul just died a little.
Has happened since the beginning of wanting to be popular. I have heard some people leak stuff about themselves through an intermediary to get some cash off those tabloid rags.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
3 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837583
Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
08/14/2009 09:03 PM
I've gotten a compliment from Millie? My only regret in life is that I peaked so early!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837587
Alarm Clock, Carpentier's Robot 6,338 4
08/14/2009 09:33 PM
Get your ass back up to the top and read the damn article you lazy bastard! This one's not about the additional posts.
MR. CLEVELAND DOES NOT DISAPPOINT!
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837646
Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
08/15/2009 11:19 AM
Looking at that picture of Perez Hilton's jacket makes me think it would crinkle and pop like my grandma's old vinyl sofa.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837790
mandellia 45 4
08/17/2009 05:01 AM
I have nothing to say, so I'll just turn off my mouth for awhile If everybody could take the lesson...
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837807
Pop me, I'm Knobby! 169 4
08/17/2009 08:11 AM
Shakespeare of the week;
Mandellias ghey sticker website.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837839
TotalRecall 2 3
08/17/2009 12:09 PM
How do you narrow it down to just a few? There are so many stupid people in the media alone. I came across this tweet...
"I am wearing 4.5 inch orange Jimmy Choo stiletto's that 12 people have already commented on. Can only wear them on air, canNOT walk in them." 10:49 AM Aug 13th from web
...from former CNBC and current FBN anchor, Liz Claman, which prompted me to see what other nuggets she had to say.
"not easy to play football in bikinis and trunks but we're all doing it. I'm a terrible center." 6:14 PM Aug 15th from mobile web
"Dinner at Nobu 57 2nite..what Recession? The place was packed. Best rock shrimp ever." 6:36 PM Aug 6th from mobile web
"Finally feels like summer 2day. I'm sweating."
7:10 AM Aug 5th from mobile web
"Took a power walk with Peter and martha around Weston. saw 4 deer. Lyme alert." 9:35 AM Aug 16th from mobile web
Wow, they actually pay these airheads a boat load of money! Where's the justice?
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837924
Shell Belle 76,640 24
08/17/2009 05:03 PM
but he'll always be the smart-assed douche running his trap, because 90% of his roles require it
I can't see Bill Paxton in a movie without thinking of Chet from Weird Science, the smart-assed douche role that started it all.
Great article once again!
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837933
Thud 66,695 17
08/17/2009 08:18 PM
Yet another great article.
Someday celebrtards will know they've made it to the big time when you skewer one of their tweets.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1837964
Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
08/18/2009 07:06 AM
I had a publicist contact me trying to get exposure in the next week's column for his client. Sure, it was Hargrave, but I was still flattered.
|
|
|
|
Store
