High Frequency Follies
Or, Why Even Have the Damn Thing?
No Shakespeare, there I was (obligatory Army story opening*). I was an instructor, teaching soldiers how to use a piece of equipment whose details I won't bore you with, but it involves $10,000 of electronics on a telescoping mast, mounted on a Humvee. Like any good Army school, we had to take them to the field for an exercise after they had pretty well learned the system. Going to the field, in the Army, is kind of like camping, without campfires, singalongs, flashlights, smores, or anything else that makes camping fun, but with plenty of sweat, bugs, dirt, and everything else that makes camping suck.
If there's one good thing about being in the field, it's that sense of autonomy that you rarely get in the Army. No Big Brother watching your every move, micromanaging every action you take. Except that my Big Brother at the time insisted on setting up a radio and a huge antenna so they could constantly call us out in the field. Normally these calls are just radio checks. "Can you hear me now? Good." Sometimes they are much more annoying.
This one time, I had set up a crazy arrangement of a cot, a poncho, a mesquite tree, and a bunch of mini bungee cords, which was where I was planning on sleeping. It was a work of art, and finished none too soon, because a storm was rolling in. I told the trainees to take the mast down until the lightning had quit for 20 minutes, then resume the exercise. I told the other groups on the exercise the same thing, over the radio, and then I climbed into my little hooch to nap and wait out the storm. The winds were whipping up, rain pouring down in buckets, and lightning flashing and thunder booming all around, and I was nice and snug. Then one of the trainees came running up and told me they wanted me on the radio. Big Brother again. I sighed, crawled out, and ran through the rain to the truck, becoming water-dripping-down-my-ass-crack soaked in the process. I got on the radio and asked them what was up. "Uh, we just saw some lightning...looks like a storm is coming in, so you better take down the mast until it stops." Un-Frost-ing-believable.
The idea behind the radio was so that if we had some emergency out in the field, we could just call them and wouldn't have to wait for someone to drive all the way out to civilization to bring help back. This was...not how it worked.
The next day, after my ass crack dried out, we were out doing a driving-around portion of the exercise. Since it had been raining, the creeks were higher than normal, but since this was the desert, normal was empty. They were still below the Humvee's fording depth of three feet, so this just made it more fun to drive through them. Until this one creek I tried to cross. One side of the creekbed was all soft and silty, and when I drove in, the whole truck slid to the side and got stuck. Putting it down into low gear didn't get it out. Rocking it didn't get it out. I climbed out into the creek (at least it wasn't up to my ass crack), and saw that one wheel was in the air, one wheel was just spinning on gravel, and the other two were apparently just hanging in mud, with the body of the Humvee resting on the edge of the solid part of the creekbed. The truck had slid over until there was a steep bank behind it, so even if it would move that way, it wouldn't move far. I had the trainees gather up some tree branches to stick under the wheels, and get behind to push, but it still wouldn't come out.
We were getting out by ourselves, so I had to swallow my pride and call for help. There were three other Humvees out there for this exercise, who I will call Flopsy, Mopsy, and Peter. Since we were working with Flopsy, I tried Flopsy first. No answer. Then I tried Peter. No answer. Same with Mopsy, no answer. Oh wait! Big Brother's listening! This arrangement will work in my favor for once...except that Big Brother doesn't answer. Un-Frost-ing-believable.
Eventually Peter comes on over the radio. "Subhuman, I need your help."
"Sorry, dude. I was about to ask for yours. What's your problem?"
"You know that disc at the top of the mast? Ours is on the ground."
"What?"
"I forgot it was up and started driving. The mast shattered when it hit an overhanging tree limb."
"Oh, holy Frost. Well, you're going to have to deal with it, because I've been stuck in a creek for an hour, and haven't gotten any closer to getting out."
Eventually, Flopsy comes up on the radio. "I've got a flat tire." Are you Frost-ing Shakespeare-ing me?
Finally, about three hours into this ordeal, Big Brother comes up on the radio and says "Hey, are you guys done yet?"
"Frost no. I'm stuck, Peter's broken, Flopsy has a flat, and Mopsy's missing. Where the hell have you been?"
"Oh, we had the grill out, making burgers."
So, eventually, to make a long story less long, someone came out to pull me from the creek, Peter kind of piled his wreckage in as best he could, Flopsy crept up on a run-flat tire that wasn't running so hot, and Mopsy turned up from wherever the Frost he had been. We got back to civilization five hours behind schedule with two vehicles out of commission, and I went the hell home before someone dropped a Mentos into my bottle of diet Rage cola.
Un-Frost-ing-believable.
*Before any of you hippies ask, I'm not a baby-killer. The babies are already fully cooked and ready to eat before I ever see them.
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subhuman 576  4
08/16/2009 01:26 PM
I'm not indoctrinated enough to shout "hooah". I only say it in a normal speaking voice, when it's appropriate. By the way, it should be spelled "HUA", which stands for "head up ass".
Here are some appropriate situations where "HUA" should be used:
- "I know you're in a specialized MOS, with no real reason to be in Iraq, but, you're going to Iraq, subhuman." "HUA"
- "From now on, we'll have a formation at the end of every day. What do you think, subhuman?" "HUA"
- "You can't just turn in a leave form, subhuman. You need to turn in an LES, a risk assessment, and fill out one of these coversheets." "HUA"
- "You can't use government computers to post to humor websites, subhuman. It's a security issue." "HUA, al Qaeda is just falling all over themselves to find out about the time I got a Humvee stuck in a creek. HUA."
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