The Fast Lane Speed Test
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  116,588  19
08/18/2009 01:00 AM 8308 views
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A few years ago, I did a stunt called The Turnpike Prank, where I tried to see how you could hack those automated toll-booth change baskets. The Massachusetts Turnpike has now gotten rid of the baskets, encouraging everyone to use something they call "Fast Lane" -- which, ironically, is now installed in every lane, not just the fast lane.
See if you can spot the discrepancy in this photo.
Fast Lane works through a little device called a "transponder" that you stick on your windshield. As you drive through the toll lane, the Fast Lane sensors pelt you with radiation and give you cancer of the groin, then deduct the toll from your bank account. Great, except the speed limit for going through the Fast Lane is 15 MILES AN HOUR.
Seriously: What The Flugelhorn?
Fifteen miles an hour is fast if you're riding a moped, or a clown car at the circus. For everyone else, 15 mph is what you do when you're going over a speed bump. I've been in funeral processions faster than that. Come on. A "Fast Lane" of 15 mph is just false advertising.
How do they enforce the 15 mph speed limit, you ask? In the early days of Fast Lane, the rumor was they also had sensors to monitor your speed, and those who went above the speed limit would receive a ticket in the mail. But I've never known anyone who actually received a ticket, which led me to one simple question:
How fast could you go through the Fast Lane?
A transponder sounds like something out of Star Trek, but is actually a government-issued electronic box.
I started out my "Fast Lane Speed Test" by calling the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority, the government agency that runs the Turnpike, and grilling their customer service rep on exactly how all this worked. [Listen to the entire phone call here.]
"What happens when you go over the speed limit?" I asked. She said your transponder may not communicate with the toll gate correctly, causing you to be charged for the full length of the Mass Turnpike. But this argument only makes sense if you went normal speed through the entry gate, then sped through the exit gate -- so if you sped through both the entry and exit gates, you could just as easily ride the Turnpike for free!
"Why don't the transponders work at high speed?" I asked. I wanted to know why they couldn't use radar technology, or lasers. I mean, we can detect a space explosion 13 billion light-years away, but they can't catch someone driving a Ford Flex at 40 mph? How did that dude take pictures of bullets going through apples? Photoshop?
Don't tell me this was faked too! ARE THERE NO MORE HEROES LEFT?!
She pointed out that most people don't go through the Fast Lane at 15 miles an hour anyway, which to me is like saying we're not going to change our drug laws because most people smoke pot already. While she was very friendly, I suspected that she had no idea what she was talking about, because no one has ever done the research -- the high-speed research -- on what happens when you drive fast through the Fast Lane.
My goal was as smart as it was foolhardy: I would go through various Fast Lanes, gradually increasing my speed, until I ultimately drove through the Fast Lane at 55 miles per hour. If the Fast Lane held up, then we would officially allow it to keep its title of "Fast."
As soon as I started my first speed test, however, the experiment got slowed down.
Next: The Speed Tests Begin!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
15 votes
3.6
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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fablerose 2  4
08/18/2009 01:50 AM
You're killing me with suspense!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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subhuman 535 2
08/18/2009 02:01 AM
You were probably going to die of groin cancer anyway.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Jeeni 11,018 10
08/18/2009 03:22 AM
Ooh, love it! Can't wait to see your results & hope that a speeding ticket isn't going to be part of your story!
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Thud 53,098 10
08/18/2009 05:30 AM
Ooh, love it! Can't wait to see your results & hope that a speeding ticket isn't going to be part of your story!
Isn't? Isn't?
It's like I don't even know you.
Oh, wait...
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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mandellia 36 1
08/18/2009 12:44 PM
I'm sorry but clown car can go very fast.
An offended clown
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Count Ravos 34,198 10
08/18/2009 04:06 PM
It's the fast lane because the other lane has a limit of 7mph.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Mr Crabs 276 3
08/18/2009 05:35 PM
I like to drive through those things backward so they think I'm leaving. If you do it fast enough you get a credit on your account. Freaks out the other drivers though.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Hydrant-monkey 1,936 9
08/18/2009 06:32 PM
We have those in Colorado and the speed limit through the quickest one I can think of is 70 MPH. Sounds to me like they're just trying to slow everyone down!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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FunkyMunky Aka "Weezy" 312 1
08/19/2009 11:47 AM
Is anyone gonna eat that apple?
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 158,667 11
08/21/2009 07:51 AM
If you like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing that you would like.
And I do.
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0 votes
0.0
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Joe_The_Dragon 0 1
08/26/2009 01:34 AM
Come to IL where people do 70+ in the 55 MPH I-pass lanes and way more 15 MPH in the 15 MPH ramp ones.
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0 votes
0.0
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mubd 0 1
10/13/2009 05:29 PM
In your face America! We have 70 speed limits in the e-way lanes.
Well, to be honest, it's about 45mph down from the regular 70mph (these imperial speed limits are confusing!) but it's still a hell of a lot quicker than your crappy 15mph.
http://ozroads.com.au/NSW/Freeways/M5/25.JPG
I really hope I didn't stuff this one up. I'm intending to comment on the fast lane article.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Frogpop 155,497 12
10/13/2009 05:59 PM
The Garden State Pkwy has some readers that pick you up at 70mph. It's awesome.
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