The Fast Lane Speed Test, Part 2
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  128,123  71
08/18/2009 03:41 PM 7441 views
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The Massachusetts Turnpike, the main highway that takes you through Boston, is a toll road. Imagine people charging you to drive down Main Street in your city, and you'll realize how ridiculous this is. But it gets worse: the Mass Pike is also expensive (currently $13.70 for an end-to-end round trip), and the drivers are nuts.
But the silliest thing about the Massachusetts Turnpike is the "Fast Lane," the automated tollbooth technology that still requires you to slow down to 15 miles per hour. Hey, I understand if their technology relies on the Flintstones bird reading the license plate and then chiseling it on a tablet of stone, but in that case YOU SHOULD CALL IT STONE-AGE BIRD LANE, NOT FAST LANE.
New Fast Lane technology: now with sharper beaks!
My question was simple: how fast could I drive in the Fast Lane? If I could successfully drive the car through the Fast Lane at 55 mph, only then would we allow the Fast Lane to retain its title. [Read Part 1 here.]
Almost instantly, my Fast Lane Speed Test was slowed down by a simple reality: everyone else is going through the tollgate at a reduced speed. This is the same phenomenon as rubbernecking at a traffic accident: once a few people start slowing down, everyone does. (If everyone went through the Fast Lane at 55 mph, it'd be an act of civil disobedience and we'd win by sheer force. Rise up, my people!)
My plan was to pull to a dead stop a few hundred yards from the Fast Lane, then rapidly accelerate, like a dragster. But I had forgotten that Massachusetts drivers are Batslavian Bear-Knuckle INSANE.
I parked my car on the side of the Turnpike, until I had a clear line of sight to the Fast Lane. Then I pulled out and gunned the engine. I heard a loud honk as another driver, who was now decelerating, pulled in front of me!
It's hard to hold a videocamera steady when you're fuming with road rage.
I nearly rear-ended him trying to hit the brakes, but I still made it through at 25 miles an hour! Not a Fast Lane, but a Somewhat Faster Lane.
The speedometer shows 30, but it was 25 by the time I rear-ended the guy.
I needed to rethink my plan. The Pike is incredibly crowded during the day, largely because of all the frequent toll booth stops. In the words of Sammy Hagar, I can't drive 55. Hell, I can't even drive 35. There are too many crazy drivers to do any crazy driving.
I'd have to come back in the early morning to try the Fast Lane Speed Test.
And so, the next morning, I did.
My tricked-out 1993 Honda Civic dragster (custom radio).
This time I was able to get a clear line of acceleration from my starting point to the Fast Lane tollbooth. My souped-up Honda Civic was able to make it to 35 miles an hour! I breezed through safely as the Fast Lane robot made sweet love to my transponder. Success!
I would not be taking to time to smell the roses (center right).
Having pushed my Civic to the limit of its accelerating power, I realized I'd need to conduct the remaining tests from a rolling start. So when I got off at the next exit, I slowed just a bit to avoid hitting the other cars at the exit, and successfully cruised through at 45 miles per hour! NOW we were getting somewhere ... FAST.
The Fast Lane sign is just a blur ... as it should be, if you're going fast.
This was great! I felt a new sense of freedom and power -- but also a curious sense of regret, like when I learned that library fines don't really go to support your library, or that my sixth-grade gym teacher was really a woman. Why had I been traveling at 15 miles an hour all these years?
And more importantly, could I do 55? The Pike was swarming with morning rush hour traffic, so for my final speed test, I would have to get up even earlier.
Next: The Need for Speed!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
12 votes
3.5
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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KChikita Banana Box 124,276  89
08/18/2009 03:51 PM
I would be content with 45 mph, but not you, Sir! Press on!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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subhuman 576 4
08/18/2009 04:14 PM
I would think going through at 55mph would make it the "normal" lane. In order to be the "fast" lane, you'd have to go at least 60, and it probably ought to be 65, to satisfy our love affair with "X5" speed limits. 75 would be even better.
I mean, if you're going to settle at 55, because it's relatively faster than stopping, then you might as well let them call the 15 mph lane "fast". That's not the kind of sensible logic I'm looking for here.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,338 4 paces back and forth
08/18/2009 05:42 PM
I was greatly enjoying the ladder of suspense until I slammed into a wall of furious, confounding, blood-red vision disbelief when I read this:
library fines don't really go to support your library
WTF!
Do they spend it on lunch or hooch or something? Do they have poker tournaments at night? The geezerly old vultures at the Kaufman County Library have a few questions to answer. (One really.)
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Straw Trekkin Across the Universe 95,470 36
08/19/2009 11:53 AM
this:
My plan was to pull to a dead stop a few hundred yards from the Fast Lane, then rapidly accelerate, like a dragster.
+
this:
Massachusetts drivers are Batslavian Bear-Knuckle INSANE.
=
yes you are John, but that's why we love you.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/19/2009 07:18 PM
Hey, it works for my car.... Wait, is that my club? or is that my ex-wife's dildo?
Nah, hers is Jesse Jackson black
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0 votes
0.0
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RogerDucky 0 5
08/19/2009 09:05 PM
I'm sure you've already concluded your tests, but, if it's anything like the system we have over here in Texas, then the transponders should work until you hit around 95 or 100...
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0 votes
0.0
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dulberf 4 8
08/19/2009 11:13 PM
In Australia our "Fast Lanes" allow you to go through the tolls at 120kph (75mph), so you better try and beat that I reckon.
Mind you, others make you slow to 80kph (50mph) for no real reason. I guess they think when we get to a large shiny metal object that makes your car go beep we will get distracted.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Thud 66,695 17
08/19/2009 11:17 PM
And of course you will.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Randall Cleveland 49,000 13
08/19/2009 11:30 PM
And to think I bitched about Oklahoma charging me $4 just to get out of the state.
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