Hell's Dominion
A comedy article
by Cakesniffer  23  6
08/19/2009 01:28 AM 793 views
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Recently, I took a trip to my personal favorite amusement park, Kings Dominion in Virginia. Every time I've ever been there, I've usually had fun. However, this time Kings Dominion became a gateway to hell. Here's what happened, and in the order it happened.
1.) I was standing in line at the Drop Ride, possibly the scariest thing there aside from the wooden coasters, which look like they'll give way any moment and look like a scene from Final Destination. Anyways, I'm advancing in line, and there's this kid, who's gender was indeterminable because of his long hair, and his/her face was covered in hair. I moved up in line, and accidentally kick a plastic cup sitting on the ground. The kid with the hair disorder looks at the cup, then me, and says in a voice that also had no specific gender, "You fail." It was at that moment I was wondering whether I should be punching him/her or his/her parents.
2.) This happened on the wooden coaster, "The Hurler". I found out after the first turn why it was called that. It's called the hurler because no matter how much upper body strength you have, you'll be flung to the left side of the car. Despite the fact I got off the ride with a nearly broken left arm, that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was I had a cart buddy with extremely sharp shoulders and elbows, so after the ride I end up feeling like I'd been tossed in a trash compactor.
3.) This incident happened on their volcano coaster. I wasn't expecting it, so I didn't have much time, one of the roller coasters accelerates at a certain point and blasts you through the entire track. Sound fun? Try not being told this would happen, and end up getting whiplash. The only indicator was a loud noise, that sounded like a cat going through a slaughter house with a bullhorn glued to it's mouth. Loud, painful, and annoying.
4.) This really wasn't to bad, but it showed how awful the Kings Dominion task force is at completing a simple task. I was going to the drop ride, when I see a small crowd of muttering guests. I go over and inquire about the crowd, it turned out a kid wet himself on the ride and they had to clean it. The big issue, was as I was walking away, I noticed there was no janitor. Instead, it looked like they were playing musical booths because there were three booths surrounding the ride, they were all dashing in and out of those, and the janitor was nowhere. One woman suggested, "Just hose the damn thing and let us on!".
Well, that was my story, I hope folks enjoyed it, this is my first article.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.2
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Zolton 88,214  34
08/19/2009 05:50 AM
I've never been to King's Dominion, but with the Volcano, the Hurler and the Drop Ride, I have to ask: do they name all their attractions after descriptions of the bodily functions you're likely to have on them?
Because I'd be totally conflicted about riding something called the 'Spooge Flume'. And I'd steer well clear of the 'Rub-One-Out-Go-Round'.
Solid work on the article. Welcome to the funhouse.
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Amusing
3 votes
1.0
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Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/19/2009 07:09 AM
If you get injured on every ride you go on, I think you're too old to be going on rides. You might have a coronary.
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.6
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Mr Crabs 305 7
08/19/2009 11:35 AM
Gee...a roller coaster that 'accelerates at a certain point', how weird. Mom, I told you to stay off the computer when I'm at work. Now go clean my room. You can reminisce about the horse and buggy days with your friends when you see them at Bingo.
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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subhuman 576 4
08/19/2009 03:22 PM
Because I'd be totally conflicted about riding something called the 'Spooge Flume'. And I'd steer well clear of the 'Rub-One-Out-Go-Round'.
No, they don't have those there. You're thinking of the Rebel Yell*.
I went to Kings Dominion last summer. It's gone downhill since I was a kid. Hell, it's gone downhill since I worked there.
And the Grizzly gives me a headache every time I ride it.
*They really have a coaster called the Rebel Yell. I never cried "more, more, more" on it though. It's really not long enough for any of that, unless you get started rubbing it out waiting in line.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/19/2009 08:26 PM
I've never been to King's Dominion, but with the Volcano, the Hurler and the Drop Ride, I have to ask: do they name all their attractions after descriptions of the bodily functions you're likely to have on them?
So the Disemboweler and the crapper are out then?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838324
Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/20/2009 07:26 AM
"The Shakespeare Storm"
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