Each week I bring you ZUG.com's Twit of the Week, a smattering of celebrity stupidity for your enjoyment. It's rare in the "writing mean things for a comedy site" industry that you get to realize you're making a difference, but with the news coming that the NFL has outlawed Twitter postings from players, I like to think I'm reaching someone. With that in mind, here are this week's twits.
Larry King (kingsthings)
We have a dog. A King Charles Spaniel. about 2 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
He's the horrible, wrinkled face of CNN since 1985. He's almost more famous for the lampoonish impressions comedians have made at his expense than any actual journalism, since these days he tends to just sit down with whoever he sees on the tabloid covers at the grocery store and ask them how they're feeling. He also famously had a heart attack on air, and wrote two of the most awkwardly-titled books ever on the subject: Mr. King, You're Having a Heart Attack: How a Heart Attack and Bypass Surgery Changed My Life and the follow-up Taking on Heart Disease: Famous Personalities Recall How They Triumphed Over the Nation's #1 Killer and How You Can, Too. Hey Larry? The actual book is supposed to go inside the cover.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Larry King has been reporting on news and current events since before my dad was born, so you can almost excuse a 75-year-old for blurting out random useless trivia. This is the online equivalent of the awkward weekly conversation with your grandpa in a nursing home. You really don't have anything to talk about other than who's been changing the channel on the TV in the rec room and how shifty the night nurse looks, so the proud elder statesman of your family is reduced to power paragraph starters about members of your own family. Based on the progression of the elders in my own family, I imagine the next few tweets probably will involve something about the new neighbor being a "colored boy" who's "actually kind of nice."
Sean "Diddy" Combs (iamdiddy)
Just a thought: Sometimes my life is so overwhelming it makes me feel like crying but I don't. I just try and make it to the next second. about 1 hour ago from UberTwitter
Wait ... who?
Puff Daddy. Puffy. Puff. P Diddy. Diddy. Sean John. The guy who took a huge Shakespeare on The Police. The guy changes names more often than he changes underwear, so just call him MC Attention Whore. Combs used the murder of his pal Notorious B.I.G. to springboard from party promoter to superstardom by capitalizing on the late rap superstar's fame with multiple songs dedicated to, referencing, and even using previously recorded tracks by Biggie. Nowadays he spends his time trying to find new things to slap his name on like clothing, cologne, restaurants, and of course reality shows like "Making His Band."
Why are you tweeting that?!
Life must be tough for an arrogant, preening bastard with more money than everyone reading this article will make in their combined lifetimes. I imagine the hardest times for Diddy probably resemble the bath scene from Coming to America. Then again one can only imagine the psychic toll a lifetime spent constantly marketing something with your name on it in a meaningless pursuit for more and more money when you already have more than you could spend might just be what it takes to break Diddy down. Of course that would assume he has a soul.
Tyrese Gibson (Tyrese4ReaL)
Who's there?? Can anybody see this>?? Mic Check 1..2 1..2 I have some amazing news!! Anybody there???? 2 minutes ago from web
Wait ... who?
He got his start modeling Tommy Hilfiger clothes and turned it into a career as a model/VJ/R&B singer/actor. So, pretty typical I guess. Most recently he breathed life into the incredibly deep character "Token Black Guy" in both Transformers movies. You might also have seen him tearing up Sundance with films like Baby Boy, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and Death Race.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I guess Tyrese finally got himself a Twitter account and, much like when my neighbor Jeremy finally got a Mongoose bike, missed the boat and is left playing by himself in his driveway. The amazing news? As of this writing he never said. It's almost as if a celebrity finally saw that no one cared, took that as his cue to pack up his Shakespeare and leave, and went to go find a VH1 special to latch on to. That or he accidentally choked to death on his Blackberry.
Wyclef Jean (wyclef)
At times its good to let a donkey talk so the world can see how much of a jackass,they really are. #warriors 5:45 PM Aug 16th from TwitterBerry
Wait ... who?
He was one third of The Fugees, until Lauryn Hill got too big for her britches. He's been a practicing Rasta since he was a kid, which sounds like it's all awesome reggae and weed and dreadlocks until you realize that certain sects still won't let a menstruating woman get near them. Then it seems kinda, well, stupid. I guess that makes it a religion. Nowadays Wyclef fights for his title as "The Black Bono" by singing reggae songs about feeding the poor, making Haiti not suck, liberating Iran, and all that jazz.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I can't tell if Wyclef Jean is stealing my shtick or if he's just so completely unaware of his surroundings that he forgot the last 300 tweets in which he begged people to buy and promote his new album. Or single. Or whatever. I kind of tune out a lot of Wyclef posts, because they tend to repeat the same thing over and over and they show up every 15 seconds or so. Check it out:
On twitter to find the leaders of the future that want to follow us and be part of a social change,#warriors, we will be millions soon. about 3 hours ago from TwitterBerry
@Ms_Lipps I'm on twitter till we build our on social network of millions,#warriors ,mixtape in oct 27, album in january it don't stop. about 3 hours ago from TwitterBerry
@Ms_Lipps that's cause I'm working , and tweeting, and doing pushups, #warriors lol about 3 hours ago from TwitterBerry
RT BenTrayborn #warrior Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go 2 war 1ST and then seek to win.Sun Tzu about 3 hours ago from TwitterBerry
Any idea what any of that Shakespeare is even about? Me either.
And ZUG.com's Twit of the Week is...
Mary Carey! (realmarycarey)
I hate being up late thinking. I think way to deep and way too much this late. about 18 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
No, not Mariah. Mary Carey is the porn star-turned-California-gubernatorial-candidate who ran for office in the 2003 recall election as part of a publicity stunt. Apparently the focus groups indicated people were less interested in who they'd rather have a beer with than who they'd rather nail with three other dudes on top of a BMW outside a pool house in Van Nuys. When people pointed out that no one could take a porn star seriously in office, she pointed to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ronald Reagan as examples that you can make horrible movies and still get elected. Point, Mary Carey. Nowadays? She landed a stint on "Celebrity Rehab" and has allegedly gotten sober. She also still strips and does porn to support her ailing mother's medical bills, but insists she doesn't want to continue the lifestyle.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Oh, the sweet naive honesty of the moronic. I'll bet if someone had been around to hear her say this out loud and call her on it, Mary Carey wouldn't even get what was so funny about hating thinking. The only thing that could possibly hit Mary Carey too deep would be an offshore drilling rig, but I wish I could be a fly in the room, possibly one of the dozens circling her crotch at any given moment, to hear what ponderous thoughts might trouble her. How to address piracy concerns in Somalia? Will the instability of the Middle East bleed over into America's backyard? Who's going to bleach her Emerson in time for tomorrow's big rimjob scene? Heavy is the head that wears the bukkake.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it here! And don't forget to follow @Zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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