Kevin Allison's True Stories: Embarrassing Masturbation
A comedy article
by Kevin Allison  809  5
08/20/2009 09:38 AM 4190 views
|
|
If you're like me, you know how it can get when you just want a cucumber up the ass.
Of course, I won't judge you if you're different. But I'm the protagonist in this story, and every protagonist needs a goal. Also tangible ones are best. Goals you can put your hands on. The Ark of the Covenant. The Bridge on the River Kwai. Pretty much anything from the gourd family. Listen, you do what you want with your can, but I'd go with the vegetable.
So one night when I'm 19, I'm riding a New York City subway home after a good hard night of drinking. My first two years at NYU, while all my friends from The State lived in the Brittany dorm, I slept an hour from Manhattan, deep in the guts of Brooklyn. My folks couldn't afford to put me in that dorm. "Where the hell do you live?" the group asked, "and why don't you have us over?" One night I did. They never asked again. It was because of the train. The thing takes forever after dark. And that's no fun when you're drunk.
"Consarnit! This newfangled sittin' machine is broke."
See, we took in a lot of Jagermeister. That stuff is for the synapses what Liquid-Plumr is for subsurface water drainage. Plus it makes you horny. So there were all these nights when I'd party with The State and, A) being the only gay member and B) not yet having any gay friends on campus, I'd get to a point in the night where I'd just want to beat it ... and beat off.
More than that though, I've always been a bit of an outsider. It's the "bit" part that screws me. Because I've always been a bit of a people person too. I might invite the tri-state area to see me onstage -- then wander off and read Walden afterward at the bar. When The State was on TV, I'd take longcuts through spots where I knew I'd be recognized, then recoil like Bela Lugosi from daybreak at the thought of being "judged" when it happened. I am the self-conscious exhibitionist.
In college, my introvert/extrovert thing was at full tilt boogie. I would drink a lot, wind up the life of the party, hit a wall of social anxiety, then disappear to leave 'em wondering. And to retreat into my own universe. That kind of reticence can hurt a career. When The State was writing for TV, I ended up the floater -- the guy who's not quite in this clique or that one. This eleven-headed creative dynamo had too many bonding moments as ten, because I shied off somewheres singing, "Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do..." Or with my thumb up my ass.
Or vine-grown plant food.
Which brings us back to those hours when I'm 19, plastered and sojourning home in the mad American night. There'd been yet another party at my friends' dorm and most of them had devoted the evening to hooking up. I got self-conscious, split and sat on the train. There were unexplained delays at every stop. I got bored. I got antsy. I got to thinking, "Huh ... I'd kinda like something up my ass..."
The wheels were spinning. Could there possibly be a store open in Hasidic Midwood Brooklyn in the little hours? The longer the trip, the harder my jones. I was down to a buck in my wallet. Could I afford one item of produce? And would it look odd buying a solitary cucumber at 4:00 AM? "Who cares?" I muttered to myself. "There's no one young and hip in Midwood. No one worth getting self-conscious over."
When I finally got off the train, a miracle happened. Or so it seemed to me. I'd never noticed it before, perhaps it was a new policy, but the grocery there at the Avenue M stop had a sign out front reading "Open 24 Hours." There wasn't a soul on the street. I felt like the last man on Earth. But Waldbaums, like a grocery in The Twilight Zone, seemed to know I had urgent business. "You were patient," the fluorescent flicker seemed to say, "And before the sun rises, you will know produce." I reminded myself there was no need for self-consciousness. Some old Hasid behind the counter wouldn't have the first idea why my grocery list was so small. I grabbed a long thick cucumber and practically leapt to the register.
It was not some old Hasid. It was some young dude. Like me, only more stoner, more slacker. I could have sworn I recognized him from school. He was the only one in that big place, he was bored out of his mind, and he was eyeing me like a wearied judge on TV. As matter-of-factly as possible, I set down my greasy cuke. But I'd never been more sheepish in my life. I'd never more wished I was the last man on Earth.
The kid looked down at it deadpan. He looked back at me the same way. He rang it up. He put it in a bag. He handed the bag to me.
But just before I walked away, he got one bit of sarcasm in. He raised a brow and flatly said, "Enjoy your 'salad.'"
Do you have an "Embarrassing Masturbation" story? Submit it as a ZUG Article and title it "Embarrassing Masturbation: _____________." You might be invited to contribute to my upcoming podcast of dangerous stories, daringly told called RISK! (Visit risk-show.com for details.) The first season of RISK! will include Marc Maron, Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, David Wain, Janeane Garofalo, Keith Powell, Rachel Dratch, and more. Click here to submit your story!
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Funny
14 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838360
|
|
|
|
|
|
Also Recommended on ZUG:
|
|
|
|
Funny
5 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838362
Crackalacka 68,758  11
08/20/2009 09:52 AM
I grabbed a long thick cucumber and practically leapt to the register
Dude, you have got to meet Trixxxie.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838378
A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/20/2009 11:00 AM
"Consarnit! This newfangled sittin' machine is broke."
That is WAY off from what I thought your caption would be, I thought this was a continuation of the cucumber picture!
|
| |
|
|
|
Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838379
A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/20/2009 11:02 AM
"Huh ... I'd kinda like something up my ass..."
These are thoughts you need to impose on our women? You know the Jedi Mind trick?
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838382
Mighty Kind 36,182 48
08/20/2009 11:11 AM
These are thoughts you need to impose on our women? You know the Jedi Mind trick?
That is not the hole I'm looking for.
That is not the hole you're looking for.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838438
funnybroad12345 22 5
08/20/2009 07:58 PM
These are thoughts you need to impose on our women
No need to impose it on me, I love a nice thick Coleridge in any hole!
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
1 votes
1.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838445
Thud 68,511 19
08/20/2009 08:14 PM
Here we go again...
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838447
A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/20/2009 08:15 PM
Here we go again...
Jesus, what the hell did I miss?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838451
knee pop ninja 522 7
08/20/2009 09:42 PM
It'd be funnier if you would use "corn hole" in your stories more often.
Heck, I'd even settle for "corn chute".
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838452
BC Bud 13,797 15
08/20/2009 09:49 PM
I prefer the term "Semem Squirting Sphincter"
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838459
Juan Campos 1,173 5
08/20/2009 10:42 PM
I prefer the term "Semem Squirting Sphincter"
No, you prefer the term "Themen Thquirting Thphincter."
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838476
Dogs Akimbo 211,601 32
08/21/2009 06:50 AM
That wasn't so much Embarrassing Masturbation as it was Embarrassing Masturbation Preparation.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
5 votes
3.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838574
Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/22/2009 03:24 AM
The more I learn about my fellow gay men, the more I begin to suspect that I may not really be one of us.
|
| |
|
|
|
Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838595
Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
08/22/2009 02:37 PM
God, how I love cucumbers, and damn me if I'm glad I wasn't there I wish I could have sold it to you.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838685
UnderWhere? 101,398 77
08/23/2009 08:10 PM
As much as I enjoy anal, I never ever have had sex with a cucumber. Or other vegetable.
Freak.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838686
mielke 1,482 6
08/23/2009 08:22 PM
That wasn't so much Embarrassing Masturbation as it was Embarrassing Masturbation Preparation.
Ya it's not like you only bought the cucumber and one XL Trojan (ribbed)
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838687
mielke 1,482 6
08/23/2009 08:29 PM
None of the pictured cumbers look very poopy......please tell me you didn't have salad ....after your tossed salad
|
|
|
|
Store
