What you doin' in mah house?
A comedy article
by Juan Campos  1,173  5
08/20/2009 10:38 AM 993 views
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I work at an answering service. For those unfamiliar with the term, an answering service takes the phone calls for a business (typically a doctor's office) when the aforementioned business closes.
I like my job, largely due to the fact that there's always something new going on. Most calls that come in are fairly routine ("Oh no! My child has a temperature of 99.1! PAGE THE MEDICAL DIRECTOR!!!"), but there will almost always be an occasional lunatic. I experienced a truly strange woman a few days ago.
I work at a computer. Since we answer for a sizable number of businesses (I have no idea how many, but it's well over 100), when a call comes in a prompt will come up with a stock greeting that I rattle off to the caller.
"Good evening, so-and-so Medical Associates, how may I help you?"
Well, that's what I tried to say. I made it to about the third syllable of associates when I was cut off by a livid older black woman.
The first image Google gives for "Angry Black Woman"
"Who's this? Why you answerin' my phone?" she demanded, sounding infinitely more angry and black than I can convey over the internet.
Not knowing exactly what was going on, I began to explain the role of an answering service through the art of hesitant stammering.
"I, ah, I'm with the answering service for Dr. So-and-so. The, uh, the office is closed, do you need me to, um, page the doctor?"
"No," the woman responded in a tone of voice that suggested I might be moderately retarded, "What I need is for you to explain what you doin' IN MAH HOUSE, answerin' MY PHONE? This is the FOURTH TIME I've called, and I need you to STOP PICKING UP MY PHONE!"
I was absolutely Frost-ing flabbergasted.
"Ma'am," I began, hoping to quickly explain the situation to her, "I am not, in fact, in your house. Nor am I answering your phone. You must have called the wrong number."
This did not defuse the situation at all.
"Oh NO I DID NOT!" the woman shouted. "I know my phone numbah. It's 555-555-4038. That's WHAT I DIALED."
The office number was something like 555-555-0387.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm doing anything to make the phone calls come through to here. But I can assure you, I am NOT in your house."
This is where it started to get even more odd.
lol
"WELL," she continued, "I got a 16 year-old daughter at home alone, and I needa talk to her!"
"Look," I pleaded, "I'm sure if you..."
The woman kept talking about her daughter. "She bathes herself, does math, and plays soccer. She takes care of herself real good."
I sat there in stunned silence. I knew that if I opened my mouth, the only words that would come out would fall along the lines of "What the Frost?"
"Well," the woman said, suddenly polite, "I'm gonna be home in a few days. I guess I'll see her then. Thanks."
And she hung up.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
12 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838367
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.8
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Cruz : Always uses lube 9,993  12
08/20/2009 10:44 AM
Next time she calls tell her her daughter'll be fine.
I'm taking good care of her.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/20/2009 10:49 AM
"WELL," she continued, "I got a 16 year-old daughter at home alone, and I needa talk to her!"
Well didn't you teach your daughter not to talk with her mouth full? Cause she's kinda busy right now.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838373
A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/20/2009 10:50 AM
more angry and black than I can convey over the internet.
"Yo yo yo shizzy, why you in mah house, I bussa cap in yo ass" would've conveyed it nicely.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838374
A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/20/2009 10:54 AM
I can't help myself, this is a great article and open to SO many comments!
The woman kept talking about her daughter. "She bathes herself, She takes care of herself real good."
Yeah, and she's taking really good care of my Coleridge too!
"Well," the woman said, suddenly polite, "I'm gonna be home in a few days. I guess I'll see her then. Thanks."
Thats when the lightbulb broke through of the ghetto ignorance and she realized that whitey was actually telling her the truth, WAIT, Juan? she didn't believe a hispanic? I thought you minorities stuck together?
Man those Ogden Nashes don't trust NOBODY!
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838389
Juan Campos 1,173 5
08/20/2009 12:32 PM
WAIT, Juan? she didn't believe a hispanic? I thought you minorities stuck together?
Oh shoot! My username on an internet website has revealed my ethnicity!
Interestingly, Ass Hat, how is it possible for you to type, seeing as you're an article of clothing constructed of human flesh?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Cruz : Always uses lube 9,993 12
08/20/2009 12:36 PM
He's right though, Juan, us latinos have to be muy bueno hermanos if we are to survive this vida loca.
Andale mi raza !
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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BillyP 53,270 54
08/20/2009 02:17 PM
Que?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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KChikita Banana Box 128,417 98
08/20/2009 02:27 PM
Berry gud frenz, essay!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,439 21
08/20/2009 03:38 PM
Interestingly, Ass Hat, how is it possible for you to type, seeing as you're an article of clothing constructed of human flesh?
I just fart at the keyboard (I'm more ass than hat) Which would also explain some of my Shakespearety posts!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Thud 68,511 19
08/20/2009 05:45 PM
Juan, nice article. Except the ending, it needed a little something to punch it up.
How about next time you kidnap the daughter and have her call the mother from the call center?
Maybe, maybe not.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838456
Juan Campos 1,173 5
08/20/2009 10:16 PM
How about next time you kidnap the daughter and have her call the mother from the call center?
That might have a tangible negative impact on my attempts to get a raise.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Millie 116,988 28
08/20/2009 11:52 PM
Since you had the number, you should have called the daughter and asked her out on a date. She sounds like a nice girl.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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i_carumba 33 4
08/21/2009 05:35 AM
So let me get this straight. She misdials her own number 4 times, thinks there's a random older man in her house, and believes she's got a daughter who does math? I don't know what kind of trip she was on, but it wasn't a business trip.
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