The Fast Lane Speed Test, Part 3 A comedy article
by John Hargrave 128,123 71 08/20/2009 10:41 PM 6576 views
Most drivers who come into Boston travel on the Massachusetts Turnpike, a ridiculously overpriced toll road. Nowadays the Mass Pike collects their money not with hairy trolls (the trolls formed a union), but through an automated system called Fast Lane, which (ironically) requires you to slow down to 15 mph.
I thought this was ridiculous, so I started the Fast Lane Speed Test, gradually increasing my speed through the tollgates, to see what the system could really handle. [Read Part 1 and Part 2 here.] My goal was to go through the Fast Lane at 55 mph, a speed which could officially be considered "fast" (since it is, after all, the speed limit).
There were several obstacles to my final 55 mph experiment. The first was the incredible amount of traffic on the Mass Pike, sabotaging my experiment with their thoughtless commuting. I tried getting up at the buttcrack of dawn, but even at 5:30 am the Pike was full of workaholics. So I got up the next morning even earlier. At 4:30 am, finally, the roads were clear of all the nutso Boston drivers, so I could conclude my nutso driving experiment.
My next problem was the small "speed dips" installed at the gate -- I had never noticed these before, but they slowed me down and jostled my camera at high speeds. There was also my ingrained habit of slowing down, ever so slightly, when going through the gate. I made several runs at 55 mph, but when I watched the video I had slowed down to 52 or 53 mph.
I could see posting these videos on YouTube, where thousands of sexually frustrated teenagers would post comments like "ur a moron, its 53 mph dumass!!!!" and "omg you SUCK try bying a REAL CAR that can goe 55!!!!FAIL"
I've noticed that people who use the word "FAIL" on the Internet tend to be incredible failures themselves.
No, it had to be 55 mph. And so I gritted my teeth, put on my protective headgear, and gunned the engine for my final trial run. As you can see in the video below, I screamed a down-home rebel YEEHAW! as I rode through the Fast Lane at 55 mph.
Sammy Hagar was wrong.
So, what was it like? In a word: scary. I was nervous somebody would jump out from behind the toll booth, or perhaps a deer or wolverine would suddenly dart across the Turnpike. The lanes are too narrow to take at that speed, which is probably the real reason they ask you to slow down. (That, and making sure the Pike is kept in a state of constant gridlock at rush hour.)
But the real test: did the Fast Lane pick up my transponder at high speeds? I went online to check my Fast Lane account, and found that I was correctly charged for all my Fast Lane speed tests. I later found out that if your responder is not recognized, they simply take a picture of your license plate, then match it up with your account after the fact. So there really is no reason to observe the speed limit, except for general safety and avoidance of death.
The $5.00 prank.
Not only did the Fast Lane pass with flying colors (as I passed through the Fast Lane with flying colors), but the transponder technology worked perfectly. Which led me to wonder: why haven't more people figured out the speed limit is optional?
So I vowed to tell the world.
Unfortunately, ten seconds into telling the world, the toll booth collector came over and told me, "I've just called the State Police."
Ah, the world can wait. For now, it'll just be our little secret: The Fast Lane really is fast.
If you enjoyed The Fast Lane Speed Test, don't miss The Turnpike Prank, the stunt that started it all!
With the narrowness of the lane, they would have had to call it the "Holy-Shakespeare-I-almost-totaled-my-car lane" if they directed people to go 55. Hadn't though of that until I saw the video of you going through.
You're either much braver than I or much stoopider stupider.
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