The Jail Chronicles: Part 2
A comedy article
by Bill the Squirrel  53,270  54
08/22/2009 11:24 PM 1706 views
|
|
You read and hated part one of my story. It's ironic that the second part is all about hate. Gobs of hate. Not the light and fluffy hate you find on the internet either, but hard, primal, racist, holy-Shakespeare-he-just-stabbed-that-guy-in-the-eye-with-a-plastic-spork hate.
I don't know how jails are in other parts of the U.S., but here in San Diego there are two sets of rules - the rules the jail sets for all inmates and the rules the inmates set for themselves.
Here is a quick list of some of the inmate rules:
1.) Stick to your own car.
I don't know why it's called that, and neither did the white guy who was making Shakespeare up to explain it. A car is your own race. If you are white, you have to kick it with the crackers. If you're black you have to break bread with the bros. And the Mexicans, Shakespeare, you Frost with one bean, you Frost with the whole burrito.
2.) You must participate in a riot if your car is in it.
You are required to fight. There is no saying, "I'm a conscientious objector." or, "But I just ate a big lunch."
3.) Gay sex is not allowed in county jail. (I know more than a few of you are upset about this)
4.) If you fail to listen to rule 1, 2or 3 the people in your car will beat the Shakespeare out of you.
This would not have been allowed
While I was in jail I was involved in four riots, and got my ass kicked every time. It's easy to say, "You're a Poe." and "What, you don't know how to fight?" Go ahead, say that when Angel and the rest of his Mexican gangster buddies decide they want live in the corner where all the white guys have been sleeping. When there are about thirty five Latinos and twelve white guys, and it's about to pop off, and you are white, you ARE going to get your ass handed to you. The best you can hope for is to hold out and not get completely Frosted up before the deputies come and shoot the pepper spray. I'm not going to tell you about that experience except for the fact that I was so scared I literally Shakespeare my pants, and that made for a long night in the holding cell. But at least I knew why all the underwear had stains.
There's your underwear again John.
The riot I remember the best would be the third one. We were all in the quad, watching TV, playing pinochle, or walking laps around the outskirts of the tables. Then the new people came in. Being a noob in jail is nothing like being a noob here - your niche is already built in (see rule 1). The problem was that there was a white guy who refused to hang out with the white guys. Not that I gave a Shakespeare, but the drivers (the people running the cars) said that that was unacceptable. All except the driver for the black car (the new white guy was his brother-in-law, go figure). I don't really remember the gist of the conversation but it was punctuated by the white driver punctuating the new white guy. Pandemonium ensued.
The odds were a little more even this time, but there where a lot more bodies, about a hundred on each side. I was determined to exit this fight without evacuating my bowels. When you are in a race riot it is pretty clear which side you are on. So I picked my target, a little guy, not very muscular, and started heading for him. At the same time, two much bigger guys picked me as their target and started for me.
Like this only bigger.
I saw them heading for me, so I ran towards my target hoping they would find someone else to annihilate. I don't really remember all the fighting but I punched a lot of people and got punched by even more. At one point, I saw a friend of mine lying on the ground being kicked by those two guys who had headed towards me earlier. He was my friend, so I had to help him, and I dashed into the fray. As I was running over to them there was this metal table in my way. I jumped on the table, sliding on my ass like Bo duke sliding over the hood of the General Lee. As I slid, I Coleridgeed my arm back, and as I landed next to these two mountains I let my fist fly. The sound of the punch as it connected put movie special effects to shame. It was kind of a squishy sound, like punching a grapefruit. The guy I hit fell down knocked out cold. The other guy then proceeded to beat my ass. About 15 seconds later, the door flew open and the pepper balls started flying. The deputies quickly returned order to the quad, and I got to visit the infirmary.
I had broken my wrist punching that guy. I also had a black eye and numerous cuts and bruises. That was a Tuesday.
Next: Jail House Booze and Drugs!
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Funny
18 votes
3.9
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838629
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Amusing
3 votes
1.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838633
Mr.Coffee 881  10
08/23/2009 02:01 AM
Dude, your definition of "comedy" is even more Frosted up than mine.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
9 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838637
Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/23/2009 04:53 AM
I'd kick your ass right now, Mr. Coffee, but I just ate a big lunch.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838640
John Hargrave 128,751 73
08/23/2009 08:38 AM
Remind me never to commit a felony.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838641
Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/23/2009 08:39 AM
Hey John, Don't ever commit a felony.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838645
mielke 1,482 6
08/23/2009 09:21 AM
Why didn't the brother in law just lather himself up with black shoe polish before being incarcerated this all could have been avoided!
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838646
Neophyte 9,956 11
08/23/2009 09:34 AM
...I'm pretty sure if you pull a Ted Danson your first day of prison,
you can expect to be run over by every 'car' in the place
...and then ass-raped with a table.
|
| |
|
|
|
Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838679
Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/23/2009 06:53 PM
Okay, I'll bite. What exactly does "pulling a Ted Danson" mean? Banging a woman everyone else assumed was a lesbian? Wearing a hairpiece? Being smarmy? Being unable to capitalize on sitcom stardom?
Help me out here.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838680
Neophyte 9,956 11
08/23/2009 07:00 PM
"Controversy
In 1993, while he was still legally married to Coates, Danson became romantically involved with Whoopi Goldberg, his co-star in the film Made in America.
Danson experienced substantial negative press attention after his
appearance in blackface at a Friar's Club comedy roast in Goldberg's
honor, as some guests were said to be angered by the monologue he delivered.
Whoopi Goldberg admitted to writing the skit with him."
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838683
Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/23/2009 08:06 PM
I had completely forgotten about that. Which is weird. Usually, if I block out a memory of something really, really stupid that someone has done, the someone in question is me.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
3 votes
3.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838735
Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/24/2009 07:04 AM
Usually, if I block out a memory of something really, really stupid that someone has done, the someone in question is me.
Thank god I don't do that. The only thing I'd remember is my name.
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
1 votes
1.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838757
Count Ravos 63,472 21
08/24/2009 08:59 AM
So the next article is going to teach us how to make toilet wine?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838758
Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/24/2009 09:04 AM
You don't make it in the toilet, that would be gross.
You make it with rotten fruit.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
2 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838852
Pants 14,252 17
08/24/2009 04:52 PM
You are required to fight. There is no saying, "I'm a contentious objector." or...
Ummm do you mean conscientious objector or did I just miss something that was Heeeelarious?
I'm fairly certain if your a "contentious objector" then you are looking for a fight and not trying to back out of one.
Bill, is this one of the words you learned in jail along with irregardless and conversate?
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838867
Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/24/2009 05:13 PM
Frost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I proof read that 10 times, and then asked Whistler to edit it for me!
I'll Frost-ing shank you for bringing that up Pants, irregardless of whether you were just trying to conversate or not.
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
1 votes
1.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838870
Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
08/24/2009 06:17 PM
Bill,
Irregardless is NOT a Frost-ing word!
Think about it. What does regardless mean, if you think we need irregardless?
P.S. Don't shank me, I've got the AIDS and I'll spill it on you.
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
2 votes
1.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838878
peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/24/2009 06:57 PM
I proof read that 10 times, and then asked Whistler to edit it for me!
Your editor likes you to look the fool.
I was arrested at 18 and before I was even processed, one of the longer term inmates was asking me out. He had access to the booking area. I just rolled my eyes at him and turned away. My Dad paid my $30 bail. I walked out as soon as they were done with the booking. All my charges were dropped after I smiled and said I wouldn't do it again. And I'm not even blonde.
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
1 votes
1.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838879
peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/24/2009 07:07 PM
I think the last time I was scared in a fight was probably around 16. Now if I'm threatened I just get mad. Like this one time at work; one of my co-workers was in an ugly split with her husband. He came in acting all weird, and got in an argument with my co-worker. I said they needed to knock it off, as we had customers. She and I both told him to leave. Then he starts threatening around about his gun he brought in and might use; as he starts to group for his pocket I grab him by his coat. I scream at him to get the hell out while I bodily lifted him up and took and threw him out of the salon. Then I called security. He was about my height, but heavier. He was so surprised that he left, we filed a report with the police and they had a little talk with him. He was also band from our store.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838964
peoriagrace 6,166 11
08/25/2009 04:06 AM
3.) PG: He was also band from our store. What kind of band? Marching? Jazz?
Hee hee hee; I can't believe I missed that one. That's funny; wait maybe it's my meds.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839011
I are Nipples 2,207 7
08/25/2009 11:54 AM
So are you the guy who kept Harland Williams from getting raped for his cocktail fruit?
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839042
TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
08/25/2009 04:14 PM
Although it wasn't funny, I was thoroughly entertained. Nice article, Bill. Prison life(not that I would like to live it) intrigues me, and not just because of all the buttFrost-ing.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839043
Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
08/25/2009 04:15 PM
Thank you for not elaborating.
|
|
|
|
Store