tuituiman 175 7
08/24/2009 06:22 PM

First.

tuituiman 175 7
08/24/2009 06:27 PM

"I'm wrestling with words, much as my stomach was wrestling with everything it had ever eaten"

I'm intrigued to see this stomach with the ability to eat...
Mine lacks the required mouth, teeth, swallow mechanism etc...

Anyways. Hilarious! I guarantee Starbucks wouldn't have that same policy here in New Zealand. All shop owners here have really tight arses.

peoriagrace 6,153 11
08/24/2009 06:38 PM

I guarantee Starbucks wouldn't have that same policy here in New Zealand. All shop owners here have really tight arses.

If the replacement came from their ass I don't think I would want one.


notice how I'm not positive



ewww what the hell is wrong with you?!


I don't know

I'm going to pretend I don't know you.

so that's not new

I HATE YOU

good I hate you too

Well we're in agreement then.

yes

Thud 66,695 17
08/24/2009 06:38 PM

You need to find someone who used to work at the Starbucks in question. Bring the ex-employee with you, say he isn't working out at the new job and you'd like to return him.


I'll bet they ask for a receipt.

Straw Trekkin Across the Universe 95,470 36
08/24/2009 08:23 PM

Not only was the subject matter hilarious, but it was very well written. I was gagging right along with you.

cakes and ale 2,403 6
08/24/2009 11:00 PM

*Wipes Mailman's tears*

John! How could you? The Mailman wanted to smell that first. Twice.

mandellia 45 4
08/25/2009 04:07 AM

BUT Why did he throw it!!

It could be a new recipe...In France, we had the courage to let the milk becoming a smelly-gelly, and now we make a great buisness with it!

Chix is in da house 282,028 58
08/25/2009 05:04 AM

You had me at "gotcha".

Which, technically, is what gotcha indicates.

Count Ravos 62,361 20
08/25/2009 07:27 AM

They made me up a new Steamy Creamy, and served it with a smile.

Just like hookers!

KChikita Banana Box 124,281 89
08/25/2009 08:10 AM

Awesome.

A Summer Sweaty Ass......HAT 11,234 21
08/25/2009 10:12 AM

I probably shouldn't have read this while eating my breakfast cereal. Now the milk tastes a little off.

subhuman 576 4
08/26/2009 12:11 PM

It's easy to see the baristas replacing something like that...it's a great story to tell later on. I wonder if the manager would have gone for it.

Although one time when I was working at a plant nursery, some guy came in with something he had bought the year before and that had died, and they replaced that for him. If you can't kill something in a year from pure neglect, you've got the greenest damn thumb on the planet. Yet, they replaced it. Blows my mind.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
08/26/2009 04:33 PM

Thanks to ZUG reader Nutbutter for the prank suggestion.

While I appreciate the credit, I'm not sure I still want it. Maggots! Ewww.

Excellent execution as always, Sir.

Pants 14,218 17
08/26/2009 04:41 PM

I bet John's car smells Frost-ing great after transporting that Shakespeare to Starbucks.

Pop me, I'm Knobby! 169 4
08/27/2009 07:13 AM

Duuh... Fifteenth! *drool*

Pop me, I'm Knobby! 169 4
08/27/2009 10:53 AM

I'd give him 5 clickies if he'd drank/chewed it..

Dead Pussy 219 5
08/27/2009 02:47 PM

"Steamy Creamy"
The newest porn movie courtesy of ZUG...

Frogpop 173,113 25
08/28/2009 02:48 AM

Movie? Steamy Creamy sounds like at least a sex act, if not a whole genre.

Heartshapedleaf 6 4
08/30/2009 02:03 AM

Wow, you're lucky.

I'm a starbucks barista.. and if you had walked into my store with a cup full of live maggots I would have called the health department and told them.

And then I would have had you banned from my store.

It's funny and all, don't get me wrong. But bringing live maggots into a place where other people's food and drinks are made?? Would you really want to eat something if you just watched a customer return a cup full of maggots?

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/30/2009 03:56 AM

Hey Leaf. It was a prank. I bet the barrista at John's Starbucks has something called a sense of humor. Perhaps you've heard of it. Now go polish your espresso machine, and next time, make it funny or I'll have you banned from here.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/30/2009 03:58 AM

[Note: I don't actually have the authority to have anyone banned. If I did, though, I'd ban a Starbucks barrista who referred to the franchise where he made his minimum wage as "my store."]

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
08/30/2009 09:55 AM

the Maggacino

Nice.

Heartshapedleaf 6 4
08/30/2009 12:11 PM

what i'm saying is, if someone called the health department after watching you walk in with a cup o' maggots... we could get shut down.

and lose our jobs.

great prank and all, but in my opinion a prank probably shouldn't risk the well being of others.

carter777 27 4
08/30/2009 03:41 PM

and lose our jobs.

great prank and all, but in my opinion a prank probably shouldn't risk the well being of others

working at starbucks gives you a sense of well being?

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/30/2009 07:34 PM

Dude, you said in your first post that YOU would have called the health department. So YOU would have been putting the well being of yourself (and your co-workers) in jeopardy.

Then again, that would have been very altruist of you. It would have improved the well being of all the sheep who could no longer come in and pay way too much for the Shakespeare they call coffee at "your store."


And by the way, grande is Spanish for large, not medium.
Tall means having more than usual length, not small.
Venti is Italian for twenty. Maybe a venti coffee is 20 ounces, so I won't correct you there. Though relatively few Americans speak Italian, so to avoid confusion, I would change this one as well.

Thanks!

Heartshapedleaf 6 4
08/31/2009 01:04 AM

wow really?

have you even tried the coffee?


history time:

short and tall were the only two sizes we used to have.

americans got pissed and decided they needed a larger drink so grande came in to play texans needed something bigger so the invented Venti.

have you noticed that everything in starbucks is in italian??

vivanno. machiatto. venti. cappuccino. frappuccino. latte. americano.

it's all in italian.

just because america is located next to mexico does not mean every business that begins here bases their menu on spanish speakers.

Professor Fucksock 1,133 3
08/31/2009 03:52 AM

Starbucks barrista? Isn't that just a posh way of saying minimum wage servant.. How long was your Harvard degree in order to get the skills to pour me a Frost-ing cup of coffee? Don't you just love it when someone tries to backtrack their statement when it's written above them..
Can't really hide behind your starFrosts coffee degree dude.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/31/2009 05:06 AM

I have tried the coffee. That's how I know it tastes like liquid Shakespeare* filtered through used charcoal. That's how I know they over roast the beans to try to disguise the fact that by the time they get to "your store" they are stale. Roasted coffee beans have a shelf life of about ten days. Reputable coffee shops throw out beans that have been roasted more than ten days ago, or mark them as such and sell them at a discount. Starbucks stores use and sell beans that have been roasted months ago. It's Shakespeare coffee from a Shakespeare company that's selling nothing more than image to morons who flock like sheep to the latest fad.

Grande means large in Italian as well as Spanish, so we still have no explanation as to why you call that a small coffee.



I'm passionate about coffee, by the way. And off my medication.



*Note: I have not actually tasted liquid Shakespeare, and am basing my comparison on having smelled liquid Shakespeare and the assumption that it tastes about like it smells.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
08/31/2009 05:17 AM

And Frostsock, you're a noob who got beat up by a tard for acting like a douche. So shut up.

Count Ravos 62,361 20
08/31/2009 07:40 AM

vivanno. machiatto. venti. cappuccino. frappuccino. latte. americano.

it's all in italian.

Actually, that last one is in Texan.

Count Ravos 62,361 20
08/31/2009 07:40 AM

John, for your next prank you should buy a starbucks franchise, and then try to return it.

Professor Fucksock 1,133 3
08/31/2009 07:49 AM

John, for your next prank you should buy a starbucks franchise, and then burn it.

Heartshapedleaf 6 4
08/31/2009 12:43 PM

wow fyi

I am studying at a major university, and guess what. Starbucks pays for it with a very nice tuition reimbursement program.

We also get insurance benefits as well as a 401K, much more than I can say for a lot of other reputable jobs. All this for even part time employees.

And we don't start at minimum wage either. So... right there I'd say this job is a bit more glorified than most.

We DO actually throw away coffee when it's bad, regardless of what you think happens.

We try really hard to do our jobs well, and if you don't like our coffee, then don't go to starbucks. Easy. There is a reason we don't advertise, we don't need it. Next time you're at Mc Donalds and pay $2 for an iced mocha, just know it's basically gas station coffee with chocolate syrup and cool whip.

Also, Americano is Italian for American. It's shots of espresso and water, it's the Italian/European answer to American coffee.

Professor Fucksock 1,133 3
08/31/2009 12:46 PM

A major university eh? Hamburger college?

Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,338 4
08/31/2009 01:24 PM

"Steamy Creamy"=make a deposit in the backdoor while the gas is on.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
08/31/2009 01:24 PM

I don't know what's sadder: trying to justify working at Starbucks, or feeling like you have to justify it here.

Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,338 4
08/31/2009 01:31 PM

Most people who go to Starbucks would get a nutrional benefit if they ate maggots and would not in any way jeopardize their "well being". They'd very likely be much better off.

Also, Leaf, you are perfect for Starbucks. Stay there after you get your degree. You may just run them someday.

Lastly, none of ya'll put words in a Texan's mouth! We can barely handle the ones coming out of our own, and don't need it any more complicated. Frost!

businessline 25 4
09/03/2009 05:33 AM

for your next prank you should buy a starbucks franchise, and then try to return it.

Frogpop 173,113 25
09/03/2009 06:12 AM

it's all in italian.

Cafe au lait is french. Dunkin Donuts is right, Starbucks speaks Fritalian.

Frappuccino is the worst of them all.. "Frappe" from french meaning to hit or beat (and used in New England to mean an ice cream milkshake type drink) and "-uchino" from the italian for "we all wear khakis, but we're so snooty we should be wearing chinos, and I bet our stupid lemming customers couldn't even tell the difference".

Count Ravos 62,361 20
09/03/2009 06:47 AM

for your next prank you should buy a starbucks franchise, and then try to return it.

You should try to read the thread next time. I already posted it. Give me your clickies, or I'll set you on fire with my mind.

Count Ravos 62,361 20
09/03/2009 06:49 AM

I bet our stupid lemming customers couldn't even tell the difference.

Obviously not. Everyone knows lemmings are mostly blind.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
09/03/2009 07:37 AM

My wife loves Starbucks for some strange reason.

I thought when you said "No taste" it meant something different. Like a reference to her marrying me.

John Hargrave 128,123 71
09/03/2009 08:28 AM

I had an idea for a follow-up prank: I should buy a Starbucks franchise, then try to return it.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
09/03/2009 08:34 AM

In Consumer Reports blind taste test, McDonalds coffee beat Starbucks. We're not talking about milk, syrup and sugar infused drinks with vague coffee flavoring here. We're talking about plain old black coffee - the way Jesus intended us to drink it. Consumer Reports said, about Starbucks, "We didn't think it was possible to burn coffee."

So don't knock McDonalds. And don't knock gas station coffee. Exxon mini-marts sell Green Mountain coffee, which also beats Starbucks in blind taste tests, and has more corporate integrity in terms of fair trade practices, environmentally friendly practices and proper dating of their beans.

Finally, and also from Consumer Reports, ultra-cheap supermarket brand coffee beans Eight O'Clock Coffee beat Starbucks coffee beans in another blind taste test. Starbucks coffee was criticized for "burnt and bitter flavors."

The only time Starbucks wins is in opinion polls - never in blind taste tests. Which tells you that sheeple like the Starbucks experience and recognize the branding, not that the coffee is any good.


Now, I'm sweaty and I have to Shakespeare. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over.

Count Ravos 62,361 20
09/03/2009 08:42 AM

I had an idea for a follow-up prank: I should buy a Starbucks franchise, then try to return it.

With my mind, John. WITH MY MIND!!1!oneOeN

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
09/03/2009 08:43 AM

I brew my coffee and drink it before leaving for work. I doesn't taste burnt or bitter. It tastes like coffee. I bet in a blind study, Whistler would preffer my coffee over Starbucks. Because Starbucks sucks ass.

And, hey John, for your next prank, why don't you buy a Starbucks and try to return it.

Professor Fucksock 1,133 3
09/03/2009 10:34 AM

Hey John, for your next prank you should buy a Starbucks franchise, then try to return it.
I hope nobody tries to copy my idea...

Count Ravos 62,361 20
09/03/2009 11:19 AM

Happy Birthday Ravos!

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
09/03/2009 11:32 AM

It's your birthday, Ravos? Well happy birthday, old boy. Let me buy you a Starbucks.



Franchise.

Count Ravos 62,361 20
09/03/2009 11:59 AM

It isn't my birthday, but that was also an ongoing thing Autra posted in just about every other thread.

Pram 78,171 40
09/04/2009 02:00 AM

Would you really want to eat something if you just watched a customer return a cup full of maggots?

Why, yes. Yes, would.

Pram 78,171 40
09/04/2009 02:04 AM

Sorry folks, I missed the "I" in that last post. I'm choked up with emotion. After all, someone is dragging my beloved coffee brand through the health department! Shakespeare, I make coffee too- no matter what I add to it, I can't get close to the taste of old roasted beans (hey, that's a great nickname for the Starblechs barista in this thread! "Ol' Roasted Beans". And if they were English... Ye Olde Roasted Beans.

Speaking of beans, kudos to you, John, for having them to post that prank.

John Hargrave 128,123 71
09/07/2009 08:45 AM

Clicks to Whistler for the word "sheeple."

peoriagrace 6,153 11
09/07/2009 03:24 PM

Man you coffee drinkers are sure uppity about your coffee brands. I like many beverages; but despise all coffee. It all tastes burnt to me. I don't like several brands; but am not easily offended by people working for said brands

By the way who likes the Kopi Luwak coffee?


I also thought we were being nice to noobs? Does Heartleaf not count as she was dis'n on John?

dasypy gal 12,075 15
09/08/2009 04:20 AM

I received a pound of Kopi Luwak for my b-day a few years back. It was quite nice.

However, after I drank it I had the sudden urge to poop in a box then lick my butt clean. Unfortunately, my tongue could not reach.

Frogpop 173,113 25
09/08/2009 06:12 AM

It defies reason that Millie would sleep with you.

You make me feel so Ravos 62,361 20
09/08/2009 06:51 AM

Starbucks should just market it as "aged" beans, and try to convince all their foolish patrons that much line wine, coffee beans are better with age.

It doesn't have to be true. Next thing you know, the people at starbucks will be denying there are any beatniks in their coffee shop. And people will actually believe them.

TropicalChris 3 3
11/07/2009 12:41 AM

Ahhh...a day in the life of a Democrat...accomplishing so much for society and the world as a whole.

Welmel 46 4
12/21/2009 02:20 AM

pl

Welmel 46 4
12/21/2009 02:46 AM

Whoops, sorry. Last post a lil premature.

Please, heartshapedleaf, for the love of all that is holy: STFU.

Hey guys...long-time reader ('06ish), first-time poster. Glad to be here.

Back to the self-avenging starbuxie:

I'm a Starbucks "barista", too. I was fascinated with all the "culture" our beloved motherstore seemed to have, and now I'm over it. There will come a time when you, too will realize that we brew quality Shakespeare every 30 minutes on a daily basis.
Unless you work in corporate (and there is no "barista" job title on Utah Avenue...so, no) you make very little over minimum wage. We make maybe $1.50-2.00 over the government minimum. Shift supervisors make $3 over. Managers are salaried, but want to shoot themselves in the dick on a daily basis (even if they don't have one).
Short, Tall, Grande, Venti. No one gives a flying steamy creamy Frost about the story behind our drink sizes, or the fact that "Americano" actually comes from WWII American soldiers drinking espresso cut with water-- it is not, as you put it, Europe's answer to American coffee. (coffee didn't even originate here, ya Frosttard.) No one even read that last sentence...cause they don't care.

So get your education, work your glam entry level job, and stop embarrassing the fellow "baristas" who have a grip on reality. This is why no one tips you.

And the rest of y'all are right--we don't deserve the title "barista". We push buttons, pour milk and coffee on exact, tasteless recipes and get that title after two weeks of training. "Grandeur Delusionist" would be a much more appropriate title. Whatever that means.

Sorry for the tl;dr...

GEugene 4 4
08/05/2010 05:23 PM

I am now sick. What is that ... ?

pengben 17 5
08/27/2010 12:34 PM

Well done Sir John! Great to see you're not outsourcing everything to Luke...

panicBoy 313 8
08/30/2010 09:29 AM

This "Everything Old Is New Again" prank has me widdling my boxers! Well done!

Xodiac 196 5
08/11/2011 10:11 AM

So it's now two years after this prank was originally posted, and I've gotta ask: did you buy a Starbucks franchise, yet, and try to return it?

KChiki465232687113813.013 124,281 89
08/11/2011 10:24 AM

And THAT is how you bump a thread appropriately.

Tweak 18,876 11
08/11/2011 11:30 AM

Nah, he's gotta leave it festering in his garage under a pile of dead zebras for a few more months to really get the smell stuck in there.