One of my hobbies is infiltrating TV shows, to show what goes on behind the scenes at shows like Jeopardy! and Family Feud, then trying to prank them into accepting me as an insane, over-the-top contestant.
But I really wanted to move onto bigger, juicier targets: reality shows. And that's how I ended up posing as a deranged contestant on the granddaddy of all reality dating shows: Blind Date.
My date only wished that she were blind.
The concept behind Blind Date is simple: two strangers go on a date filled with inane activities, accompanied by idiotic bubbles providing commentary on their potentially amorous adventure. Finding true love on television, while the viewing audience watches: sounds like the American Dream!
Unfortunately, people don't tune in to see true romance, but to see people fail and/or look stupid! (And occasionally "get busy.") Reality dating shows aren't about true romance; they're about making good television, and it's agreed that I make good television. And making good television is the American Dream, that's why I decide to audition for television's Blind Date, and am asked to appear on the show several weeks later.
FIRST, SOME "REALITY" DATING PREPARATION:
- 1 thong Speedo (that displays ample butt crack)
- 1 unzipped blue tracksuit top (with no shirt underneath, of course)
- 1 large, gold "bling-bling" dollar-sign chain
- 1 pair of really high-cut jean shorts
- 1 visor
- 1 pair of aviator sunglasses (to be worn at all times)
- 1 set of really cheap-looking rings, one for each finger
The completed ensemble.
I'm dressed like an Armenian landlord. I vow to not tell a single piece of true information the entire date. I'll go by the name "Hank Bartholomew III," a millionaire ex-motivational speaker who owns a yacht. Unfortunately, Hank has trouble remembering the names of those he dates.
MY BLIND DATE FILMING DAY IS SET
I head to the Blind Date production office in L.A. The place is bustling with a swarm of men filling out applications to be potential Blind Daters.
"I'm here to date!" I announce to the room, signing a waiver stating they have the right to air anything -- and can make me seem as stupid as they want. And if I happen to get naked (it could happen), they can show it unscrambled on the Blind Date: Too Hot for TV DVD. I sign Hank's name.
The casting director, an older-sister type, escorts me into a small room for my video interview in front of a large Blind Date logo.
"Don't hold back, I've heard it all," she says with a wry smile, and begins her onslaught of personal dating questions.
"What kind of women are you attracted to?" she asks.
"I like women with a big ol' J. Lo booty," I stress. "You know, something you can grip on to." I grip my hands, adding, "Grrrrrrrr!"
"Do you want to date a wide variety of women?"
"Yes. Just as long as they have a big ol' J. Lo booty. You know, with something to grip on to. Grrrrrrrr!"
"How do most of your dates go?"
"I would say, I end up having sex with 92 percent of the women I go out with. The other 8 percent usually ends with second base ... if not more!" (Pause.) Especially if they have a big, ol' J. Lo booty!"
"Sex on the first date is fine ... in fact, it's encouraged."
The casting director presses further, "What's your sexual turn-on?"
"I like to do it German-style!"
"What's German-style?" she asks (I thought she's heard it all?).
"All I can say is, it makes you scream achtung!"
Then I throw in a few kickboxing maneuvers and once again state my affirmation for big ol' J. Lo booties (Grrrrrrrr!).
The pre-interview process was fun, but all this was just a warmup, a test run, for the date itself.
Next: The Date Itself!
|
|
1,681 
3 
Share on your site: