Digging through the Celebrity Tweet Stream is an exercise in restraint; I know Perez Hilton is going to say something stupid, but I can only use that fat pasty crutch so many times before it gets to be old hat. Luckily, there's always someone else willing to sound like an idiot. Without further ado, here are this week's dumbest celebrity tweets!
Danny Masterson (dannymasterson)
Sooo... donte stalworth kills a guy and gets 30 days...plax shoots himself in the leg and gets 2 years... I guess that makes sense about 4 hours ago from Sidekick
Wait ... who?
He's a hardcore Scientologist for life, he's engaged to Bijou Phillips, and his brother was one of the morons on "Malcolm in the Middle." But none of that matters because he'll never escape being Hyde, the lovable stoner on "That '70s Show," which since its cancellation has been running on basic cable syndication so often I feel like the networks are sharing the same DVD set. He was douching up the airwaves on Indie 103.1 FM in Los Angeles, but the station went online and so now he's just douching up cyberspace. He also fancies himself a DJ, but not the "chicken dance at my wedding reception kind." You know. An artist.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Thank God someone had the courage to point out the failings of our justice system when punishing celebrities. I mean sure the pundits, talking heads, entertainment journalists, and even the go-tards on ESPN have all weighed in, but what's the washed up actor who's neck deep in a shadowy cabal of America's creepiest "religion" have to say? Not only is Masterson struggling with his own irrelevance, but his stupid (content removed due to inevitable litigation from the Church of Scientology). I'm sure they understand it's all for comedy.
Kylie Ireland (kylieireland)
Just got home from 'Inglorious Basterds'.Thoughly enjoyed it. Ah, 2 have that kind of freedom 2 make a movie...For those who asked:loved it. about 5 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
She's the porn star with the penchant for BDSM and, if past columns ring true, kitten murder. After moving to LA, dying her hair blonde, and getting a boob job Ireland made 80+ pornographic films. In her first year. She's been going strong since 1994, and although she did slow down her work after that first year, she's got right around 1,000 movies under her pantiesbelt.
Why are you tweeting that?!
As someone who has made about a thousand movies, some of which involve double anal penetration, what sort of freedom have you been missing exactly, Kylie Ireland? Has there been a nagging producer on the set of movies like Lil' Ms. Behaved (notice she's not "miss" because she's empowered) or Up & Cummers 10 constantly fighting for less rimming and therefore watering down your creative vision? I had no idea porn was subjected to focus group hell: "Males 18-25 would like to see more girl-on-girl. Also, we're out of Jergen's again. And that smell is back." Or maybe Kylie's one true hidden desire was to make an actual film. One that didn't involve anything having to administer an enema the previous day.
Brooke Burke (brookeburke)
great article full of important pool safety tips. The subject scares me, I have to share this one http://bit.ly/wB0t1 about 5 hours ago from TweetDeck
Wait ... who?
She was a model and hosted something called "Wild On!" on the E! network for four whole years, which is like eternity in basic cable years. She also won season 7 of "Dancing With the Stars." Other than that, she just appears in magazines like Maxim and Playboy every once in awhile. Or Women's Home Journal, because as a mother of four she now has a need to try and latch on to some wholesome dignity.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Is anyone seriously looking to a woman who poses nude or semi-nude for a living in search of pool safety tips? What tips does Brooke Burke possibly have? "Camera guys can be creepy; always be sure your ass is covered with a towel in between takes!" Somehow I doubt Brooke Burke's tips for avoiding getting raped by Danny Bonaduce in the Playboy grotto don't translate to my weekend outing at the community pool. And what about pool safety scares her? Kids drowning? Well sure, kids drown if you're a bad parent, and if we let those negligent bastards off their own children we'll have fewer bad parents in the future. It's basic eugenics.
Sebastian Bach (sebastianbach)
@xxjagerxx i dont know what you are talking about. there is no australia tour this year. 12:30 PM Aug 21st from web in reply to xxjagerxx
Wait ... who?
From 1987 to 1996 he was the front man for Skid Row, a hair metal group that shook your speakers with such hits as "18 and Life" and ... well, "18 and Life" was okay, anyway. After that he actually made his way over to Broadway, starring in Jekyll & Hyde, The Rocky Horror Show, and touring nationally in Jesus Christ Superstar. I can honestly say there is nothing that comes to mind when I think of what I would want to see less than Sebastian Bach in Jesus Christ Superstar. Seriously. I'd rather watch Furries rape my mailman.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I imagine Sebastian Bach spends a lot of his time clarifying to people that no, sorry, there is no tour. For some reason one of the Shakespearetiest periods in music history has come to bathe in the light of nostalgia (I blame VH1's incessant need for reminding people of horrible Shakespeare that happened not long enough ago) and now there are concerts, even tours operating for bands from this glam-crusted era splitting the seams of their old spandex to make a buck again. Currently Poison is touring with Def Leppard and Cheap Trick, and they're doing so unironically. Yet Skid Row tours now with a hodge podge of completely unrecognizable members, none of which is Sebastian Bach. So what the hell could he be touring for? And who would ever want to see it?
And your Twit of the Week is...
Spencer Pratt! (spencerpratt)
This is one of the best days of my life ! Top 3! Birth, elopement, Miss Universe 2009 Heidi Body Language Performance! 1 BILLION EYES WATCH! about 3 hours ago from TwitterFon
Wait ... who?
He's the guy with the flesh-colored beard from MTV's "The Hills." Heidi Montag's "other half" also happens to be a twice-baked nutjob; he was baptized by Stephen Baldwin on a reality show, because that's definitely the way to show your commitment to the big spooky father figure upstairs, he's a 9-11 truther, and he's an outspoken critic of The New World Order. You know, the totalitarian one-world government that will replace sovereign states but is actually a front for a shadowy group of individuals hellbent on world domination. Remind me how this is different from Christian Republicans?
Why are you tweeting that?!
So Spencer's wife Heidi got a gig performing at the Miss Universe pageant and ol' Spencer was noticeably jazzed. Nevermind the fact that the show's producers refused to let Heidi actually sing because they feared she would forget the lyrics, or that the performance was pretty well panned by anyone who watches these sorts of things, Spencer rated it right up there with the physical act of his own birth. Apparently his wife's songs remind him a lot of emerging wide-eyed and screaming from a bloody crevice only to be slapped on the ass by a man wearing latex gloves. And you have to appreciate the gall of a guy to rail against the New World Order while supporting an event that seeks to unify the entire universe under one string bikini.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it here! And don't forget to follow @Zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
|
|
43,809 
9 
Share on your site:
53,122 
10
