The Dungeons and Dragons Dice Experiment
A comedy article
by Clive McClure | 08/29/2009 01:48 AM | 12116 views
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What would happen if you used a 20-sided Dungeons and Dragons die to make all your decisions in life? That's what I'm doing for the next several days.
I know, it's difficult to believe that someone as cool and sexy as myself was ever involved in an activity like Dungeons & Dragons. But in high school, D&D was a cherished activity for me and about ten fellow band nerds and physics enthusiasts. My first sessions were fraught with peril and laughter (not mine) as my 1st level Mage, Harold, was made the underling of Deathspear, who was also the captain of the high school debate team. To this very day, I hate that manwhore trombonist: Steve Rupee, I mean Deathspear the Diligent.
After a few months and the threat of death by wedgy, I got the dungeon master, Thorblade, to magically grant me powers of greatness. As I was elevated to the 20th level of Trigon, I began using my magic for neutral-neutral purposes. I ended up killing off Deathspear with the roll of a natural 20 while shooting chain lighting out my staff, off the castle wall, up the stairs and into his cranium. That story still brings in the ladies.
In honor of the inventors of D&D -- the dearly departed Gary Gygax and that other guy -- I've decided to dedicate the next few days to them. As I'm sure Gary is up in Valhalla with a wart-hearted bindle dragon sitting next to Jerry Garcia eating small tubs of ice cream, I'll use the famed 20-sided die (that's dork for "one dice") to determine all my decisions in the next few days.
I've come up with this sliding scale for the 20-sided die:
1-5: Definitely NO
6-10: Maybe NO
11-15: Maybe YES
16-20: Definitely YES
All I needed now was a 20-sided die.
THE PURCHASE
My first task was to figure out how to get one of these di(c)e, so I called up my old D&D friends. (Deathspear is dead to me so I didn't call him ... and won't ever.) After a few calls, I found there were two places in the city to purchase dice, so I called the nearest god haven tablet box and was greeted by an angelic voice. Who would have imagined that a woman with this voice would work in a D&D shop? As her sultry voice caressed my near-Vulcan ears, I became excited. "Could I actually find love or unadulterated dork sex through all of this?" I asked myself.
I asked her about the legality of the dice and if there were county restrictions as to what the dice could be used for. She laughed at first, but as the realization of my sarcasm set in, her voice grew cold. Her humor level dropped as her voice spun off a -2 sphere of iciness. My loins grew cold in response but I warmed them with the gauntlet of fur rubbing I had purchased from a street vendor in New York. It's the goofiest looking gauntlet but it works wonders. Imagine a soft, raccoon-colored, three fingered glove with a chin strap and you've got it. It has a +3 of blood flow which basically eradicates the coldness in the loins.
I grabbed my keys and rushed out of the office into the unusually cool August afternoon. Eventually I found the store tucked away into a strip mall. Colorful signs adorned the door, along with a plain sign that indicated I needed to go to the other door. (Note to self: make a copy of this sign and place it on the other door.)
I dashed into the store, half-expecting to catch the pungent mix of gerbil urine and geriatric nurse skin, but there was none. I was impressed. I made a quick, nervous walk around the well-kept store all while keeping my eyes on the Verien snow goddess at the counter. I was amazed. She was seated, but from the waist up, she was an Elvish love elder-female type. No offense to the budding dorklets of the planet, but at this point, I was starting to wonder what the Herman she was doing working in a store like this ... in the Midwest. Just then she saw me wandering around the store with my Blackberry camera in my right hand like a blind man with a light saber cane. She asked if there was something she could help me find.
I bit my lip, doing my best not to stare at her breastal love orbs of warming. They were definitely +221 (convert to hexadecimal for a quick giggle) and the color of sweet milk thistle. She cut me off mid-sentence as I began telling her I was the one calling about the 20-sided dice and was writing an article. "Oh, the d-20s or did you need d-8 or a complete set? What are you using them for?" she asked rapidly. I could barely keep up with her rapid wood elf language. I definitely needed to pick up a Pimp Slewer or Rosy Stone language course before I came back to this store.
Still, I managed to smartly respond, "These are for D&D, so are they called double D-20's?" Silence. Cold stare.
My face flushed and I'd left my gauntlet back in the car so I was rendered powerless. I stuttered out something about writing an article about how the dork gaming industry was dead because of electronic games such as Coleco football (the green one not the white). Reluctantly, I turned my attention away from her milky orbs and focused on the multifaceted jewels in the display case.
I told her I wanted a good set of dice that wouldn't embarrass me when I was in public. I asked her to make a decision but she refused. "Give me something pretty but kind of manly ... like Legolas in The Ring of the Lords. He's a dude right? The same guy that was in that pirate thing with Willy Wonka?"
She coldly corrected me on several points, then said the first Willy Wonka was better. She then pulled out an orange set and a milky white set. To honor her +221 breasts of perking, I purchased both sets of dice and a D&D starter kit which has a set of low quality dice in a plastic package marked MADE IN CHINA.
After my purchase, the snow goddess halted me in my steps with a question of immobility. "Who are you writing for," she asked in that ex-wife interrogation method that the Puerto Ricans used during the Spanish Inquisition.
"Uh ... a magazine," I responded.
I was now deathly afraid that this flute chick of breastiness was going to pound me, followed by three mammoth sweaty men and her co-worker, a hat-wearing dwarf of shielding with goggles of sight +7.
Now I'm confident in my Kung Fu style, but I've been taught never to underestimate anyone, especially the socially awkward.
"Which magazine?" asked the D&D chick. Raised eyebrow, medium frown, perky brea...
"Umm ... Midwest Music & Entertainment," I replied. "Yeah, that."
The D&D chick stared at me, perkily.
"I write PS3, Xbox, PSP, GameCube, PC game reviews," I spouted quickly. I raised my two thumbs as proof and smiled awkwardly.
"Oh." She gave a shoulder bounce, the redness draining from her orbs.
I breathed a sigh of relief and walked out. I think she was talking when I left, but the breastal curse had worn off and I was once again free.
Free of the breasts, but slave to the dice. I would begin living my life by these dice, starting ... now.
Next: The Dice Take Over My Life!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
15 votes
4.4
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave
08/29/2009 01:49 AM
You had me at "+3 of blood flow."
Brilliant, can't wait to read the next installment!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Mr.Coffee
08/29/2009 03:46 AM
This will come in very handy with the age-old question:
"How many chicken nuggets should I get?"
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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Unknown Duck
08/29/2009 03:59 AM
I am still looking at her rack, where is this store again?
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
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Frogpop
08/29/2009 08:03 AM
I've come up with this sliding scale for the 20-sided die:
1-5: Definitely NO
6-10: Maybe NO
11-15: Maybe YES
16-20: Definitely YES
You need to flush out your table with 16 other options, or else switch to using the lowly d4, like a chump.
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0 votes
0.0
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knee pop ninja
08/29/2009 10:59 AM
221.
The nerd in me giggled for darn sure.
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Funny
7 votes
3.7
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Crash Test Dummy
08/29/2009 11:30 AM
I agree with Frogpop: what's the big deal of using a d20 if you only have 4 possible results?
Spice it up a bit, add options, like (for example) deciding that no matter the situation, rolling a 12 will result in having to move silently or hide in shadows for the duration of the round (approximately 6 seconds) or better yet, the duration of the turn (approximately 60 seconds, as there are 10 rounds in one turn).
Socially awkard situations are sure to ensue, making for a great Part II.
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0 votes
0.0
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mielke
08/29/2009 12:23 PM
This was funny.....I don't know Shakespeare about D&D but I still enjoyed it,I also like how you slipped the picture of the clerk's rack in there for the non-nerd types which is the one thing that we all can relate too.
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0 votes
0.0
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Jeffrey
08/29/2009 01:33 PM
Boy, What D&D shop did you go to, My ears has been bothering me all week long.
Electric bicycles
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Whistler P. McManus
08/30/2009 01:17 AM
I have no idea what any of this is about, but I really like the headless girl.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Frogpop
08/30/2009 08:22 AM
I don't know why, but she looks like a New Zealander to me.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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Whistler P. McManus
08/31/2009 12:07 AM
NOW she looks like a New Zealander.
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0 votes
0.0
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mielke
08/31/2009 12:12 AM
Double is nice but they are looking a little Conjoined for my liking.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Mr.Coffee
08/31/2009 01:45 AM
That's a fine-looking woman. The kind you can only properly woo with a robe and wizard hat.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
08/31/2009 02:41 AM
Whistler, she's a little too busty to be what you're thinking of.
Check the pictures and compare.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Whistler P. McManus
08/31/2009 09:45 AM
I can't really tell without the license plate in the pic for reference.
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0 votes
0.0
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Count Ravos
08/31/2009 11:30 AM
Spice it up a bit, add options, like (for example) deciding that no matter the situation, rolling a 12 will result in having to move silently or hide in shadows for the duration of the round (approximately 6 seconds) or better yet, the duration of the turn (approximately 60 seconds, as there are 10 rounds in one turn).
I agree. You really need to add more options than 4. Like on an 8, you should try to cast a spell.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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KChikita Banana Box
08/31/2009 05:47 PM
Where'd you get that picture of my bicep tattoo??
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
08/31/2009 09:29 PM
KChicki, you have a picture of a headless girl on your bicep?
Kind of an odd choice, but whatever laminates your countertop.
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0 votes
0.0
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Crash Test Dummy
08/31/2009 10:07 PM
KChiki: Where'd you get that picture of my bicep tattoo?
Thud: KChiki, you got a tattoo of a headless girl on your bicep?
Note to Thud: see KChiki's reference below. Yes, it IS a bicep on that pic.
I'll admit that it can be confusing, as it is a headless bicep.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot
08/31/2009 10:17 PM
When I stab myself in the eye with a spork, is there such a thing as using the wrong end?
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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mielke
09/01/2009 12:16 AM
Good News .....I tracked down our mystery girl from above and got a picture of the whole package!!!
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0 votes
0.0
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mandellia
09/01/2009 07:50 AM
I will do the same!
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0 votes
0.0
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Autumn42
09/06/2009 08:34 PM
This was actually the plot of a book called [i]The Dice Man[/i].
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