The Dungeons and Dragons Dice Experiment II
A comedy article
by Clive McClure  922  3
08/31/2009 03:58 PM 8566 views
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My question was this: What would happen if you used a 20-sided Dungeons and Dragons die to make all your decisions in life? That's what I'm doing for the next several days [read Part 1 here].
After purchasing my D&D materials, I hurried back to work, shut my office door, and opened the packaging of all my devil gear. I had heard that Version 4.0 was simpler, but reading through the first couple of pages of the D&D manual, I felt like I was memorizing differential equations. I tossed the manual aside and broke open my new orange dice. They had really cool warnings and were made by a company with a classy name:
I put the orange dice into my right pocket, and the white dice in my left. I now had bulges in both pockets, which somehow felt comfortable.
I did what all Midwesterners do after work, and headed to the Super Walmart. I had a need for milk and condoms, so I thought it would be a good proving ground for my dice method of living.
I often forget how much walking you have to do in Walmart, and as most people in the Midwest know, walking just sucks. I didn't qualify for the motorized handi-cart as I'm in fairly good shape, so I began the long trek to the back of the store. I needed milk in a bad way, but I challenged myself using the rules I had created earlier.
Do I get milk today? I asked. Survey says: YES!
How much? Thank the Patriarch it's only two on the second roll.
I grabbed a gallon of whole milk and a gallon of 2%, then headed toward the condom aisle. After a few steps, I got distracted by the all-powerful energy drink aisle.
Do I get energy drinks today? I roll a 16: YES!
Regular or Diet? Diet: CRAP!
How many? I roll an 8. Holy war hammer! Well, there's four in a box so I'll get two boxes.
I throw the drinks into my basket and again start moving towards the condoms ... and again I'm distracted. I need vitamins D, E and C. The problem with my dice-living plan, I was discovering, was that there were no convenient counters where I could roll the dice. As I hunched over the floor, rolling dice like a back-alley gambler, Walmart employees eyed me suspiciously, like I was urinating on the vitamins.
I was completely screwed by the dice roll and ended up only getting vitamin D. Just as well, I thought to myself, large doses of vitamin C make one flatulent with a slight hint of stew sauce.
Finally, I arrived at the condoms, or "family planning gear" as they're called in the Midwest. (I think they are called "Satan's Dick Gloves" in the Bible Belt.) As I perused the assortment of Thailand-made prophylactics, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my orange die. With a 12-pack (get 4 free) of Durex in my left hand and the die in my right, I stood above all mankind as if I were some sort of reborn Creed singer with my arms held parallel to the floor. As I heard the crescendo of "My Own Prison," I put my head back and released the die from a height of nearly five feet. And just like the song, the dice bounced oddly and rolled under the damned display.
I stood there with one arm straight out holding the purple box of love as my right arm dropped. I opened one eye. My jaw dropped. Three old ladies walked past me while giving strange stares. An Asian pharmacy intern chick asked me if she could help me. "No one can help me now, no one..." my voice trailed off as I gently placed the box o' condoms back on the shelf, reaching under the display to get my die. The pharma lady did her best to smile but I ignored her as directed by a medical doctor, fished out my die, and rolled it again on the floor. The answer was no: condoms would have to wait.
After only 30 minutes of waiting in line, it was my turn to check out. I greeted the attractive cashier and made a bet with myself: 11-20, you ask her out, 1-9, you don't. As she reached over to touch my jugs of milk, I rolled the dice on the little moving beltway. She gave me that "what the hambone?" look, to which I smiled. I glanced down at the dice and saw an 11. Crapx10 plus double damage and loathing.
I'm really not good at asking girls out, even at my advanced age. I prefer to simply pull their hair, or push them off chairs in a bar and run away. I didn't think that was going to work here, so I just blurted out: "Hey, I'm writing a story, do you want to drink beer with me in lawn chairs?"
After scowling, then laughing, then scowling again, she held up her left hand and did the pinky point thing. I was off the hook.
So far, my D&D experiment was eerily accurate: no condoms, no dates. But the die was about to get me in serious trouble.
Next: Serious Trouble!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
15 votes
3.7
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Count Ravos 34,002  10
08/31/2009 04:35 PM
11-20, you ask her out, 1-9, you don't
10 is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lord Ike 3 1
09/01/2009 12:12 AM
11-20, you ask her out, 1-9, you don't.
Good thing you lost on the condoms... Imagine how awkward that would be.
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839698
Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Zolton 70,902 8
09/01/2009 12:29 AM
I prefer to simply pull their hair, or push them off chairs in a bar and run away.
Dude, she just leaned over and touched your jugs of milk. Did no one ever teach you the Golden Rule?
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839734
Frogpop 155,465 12
09/01/2009 12:09 PM
11-20, you ask her out, 1-9, you don't.
10 - Player must serenade NPC with "Roxanne" until either the NPC asks the PC out, or the PC is physically removed from the store. NPC must make a Fortitude save against Sonic Attack each round. Failing the Fortitude save will cause the NPC to Summon Manager (see random encounter table, terrain: Boxstore).
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839735
Frogpop 155,465 12
09/01/2009 12:24 PM
Dungeons and Dragons, eh? Never heard of it.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839755
Count Ravos 34,002 10
09/01/2009 04:48 PM
10 - Player must serenade NPC with "Roxanne" until either the NPC asks the PC out, or the PC is physically removed from the store. NPC must make a Fortitude save against Sonic Attack each round. Failing the Fortitude save will cause the NPC to Summon Manager (see random encounter table, terrain: Boxstore).
If manager is defeated, roll of treasure table C, then wait for "Summon Police" to be cast.
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0 votes
0.0
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knee pop ninja 211 2
09/03/2009 09:02 PM
The above picture has 4 jugs of milk that I can see.
I will cast a 65 degree boner staff at two of them.
The other two, makes bones stronger.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Professor Nutbutter 150,770 13
09/30/2009 07:06 PM
"Hey, I'm writing a story, do you want to drink beer with me in lawn chairs?"
This is the greatest pickup line I've ever heard. I think I'm going to divorce my wife just so I can start using it.
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843903
KChillie 50,347 11
09/30/2009 08:26 PM
...
What's the pinky pointy thing?
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