My Maid Anna
A comedy article
by Macka 2.0  1,491  4
09/01/2009 08:34 AM 701 views
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When I was a wee lad, my single mom had hired a live-in maid to help her out around the house and serve as a baby sitter for us. She interviewed several maids until she settled on Anna, A 375lb married woman from El Salvador.
Anna didn't speak any English, but my sister and I quickly taught her how to say the only phrase she would speak in English for the next 9 months
"Sheeet, I don't care"
Anyhoo, Anna used to try and get back to El Salvador to see her husband about once a month, but things happened and she had been unable to back for several months.
So, to set this up, when I was a kid, I had a bed that was kind of tall because it had a few shelves and some drawer as part of the frame (imagine a shorter top bunk of a bunk bed, and below it drawers on one half and shelves on the other. Well, I was in to making forts and bunkers as a kid so I undid the backing behind the shelves so that I could climb behind them if I wanted to. It was pretty sweet, because nobody would be able to find me since the bed was up against the wall and the mattress and frame above me acted as my roof.
One day, I decided I was not going to go with my sister to the pool, and instead decided to sneak into my fort and play with my G.I. Joe action figures. After about 20 minutes, I hear Anna come in my room, so I immediately kick it into spy mode and become completely still, listening for anything that would sound suspicious or incriminating or fun.
The first thing I hear is Anna humming some song I didn't recognize.
Next, I hear the drawers on my bed open. Hmmm, she must be putting up some of my freshly cleaned and folded clothes.
Then, the closet door opened and hangers are heard rattling around. The next thing I hear is the closet door close...and silence. Anna stopped humming. Did she leave? Oh, wait, I can hear her doing something to my mattress. I hear grunting? Why?
Wait, I think she just climbed up onto my bed. Is she tired? My first thought was, "Why is she going to take a nap in my bed?". That's when it started.
The next thing I heard was something very light hit the floor, and then the bed started moving...and Anna started moaning lightly.
I remember wondering to myself, ,"What the hell is going on,?
The moaning gets louder and the movement becomes more violent. OMG, is she having a seizure?
Pretty soon, as I sat there Indian style, trying to figure out what was happening to Anna and my bed, the movement above me got so violent, that the mattress is now hitting me on top of the head in a repeated fashion.
Bang...bang...bang...
OHHHH. AYYYYEEEEE. OHHH UHH HUH. UHH HUH. UHHH HUH.
And then it stopped.
It was dead quite in my room, except for the sound of the faint heavy breathing coming from Anna above me. I heard her scoot to the edge of my bed, then the thud of her feet hitting the floor. The next thing I hear is Anna taking my sheets off the bed, then the fading sound of her little fat feet thudding against the floor as she walked away.
I had no idea what had just happened. In fact, it wasn't until several years later that I recalled the incident and figured it out what took place.
When I finally got around to telling my mom this story a couple of years ago, her response was one of shock and disbelief.
I believe, ,"Oh Jesus!!!, was her actual response.
I told her that is was no big deal. That is was actually pretty funny.
"No", she said, "It,,,s not that. I had to replace my mattress on two different occasions during the time Anna lived with us, but I always assumed it was because you kids would jump on my bed."
My reply, ,"See!! I told you it wasn't me!!!"
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
13 votes
3.6
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348  4
09/01/2009 09:21 AM
I know we can be shy as kids, but if that was me, there would be a two word phrase that would haunt me with regret: Mattress Gloryhole.
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0 votes
0.0
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Macka 2.0 1,491 4
09/01/2009 07:19 PM
I know we can be shy as kids, but if that was me, there would be a two word phrase that would haunt me with regret: Mattress Gloryhole.
Ummm, yeah, no. Maybe you missed this part:
"A 375lb married woman from El Salvador."
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Mielke 1,482 6
09/01/2009 08:01 PM
Whats wrong with women from El Salvador?
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
09/01/2009 08:08 PM
Ummm, yeah, no. Maybe you missed...
No, I did not. Once, when I was about twelve or so, we were Frost-ing with this old couple around the corner who had motion sensor, mega-bright floodlights. I think they might have stole them from a baseball stadium. Anyways, after setting them off enough times, the old gramma-esque, 300+ lb. lady came to the door to yell at us in her night robe. Her silk, floral night robe which just happened to come open in the middle of her pointing and yelling. It was my first and the best view of a finer pair of overused mudflaps and silver vine jungle I've ever seen. I rode my bike home harder than Shao Kahn on Mortal Kombat 3 and pulled a few off in the shed in the back yard. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Ah, the beautiful wonder of youth.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1839894
Thud 68,511 19
09/01/2009 08:40 PM
I still remember it like it was yesterday.
Perhaps it was yesterday. Does Lobster know about your thing with the neighbor wildebeest lady?
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