Much like proverbial trees in the woods, celebrities still tweet insane things 24/7, even when you're not around to read them. That's why I take the dumbest of the dumb and wrap them up for your consumption in ZUG.com's Twit of the Week.
Bob Saget (BobSaget)
I just got a Neilsen toilet. My last show was turd 6:33 PM Aug 30th from TwitterFon
Wait ... who?
Danny Freakin' Tanner. Somewhere along the line Bob Saget enjoyed a resurgence as some sort of talented and filthy stand-up comedian, but this is a huge lie perpetuated entirely by Bob Saget. His stand-up consists entirely of self-deprecation for his eternal typecasting as Danny Tanner, the huggable dad from TV's "Full House," followed by a ham-fisted attempt to mention something like "rape" or Shakespeare eating" in some sort of pun or jokey song, followed by an overly-long pause as he waits for you to Shakespeare yourself with glee at the fact that the dad from "Full House" just made a rape joke that wasn't funny. Hey Bob? Rape is the McDonald's of comedy. Everyone tries to go there in their first attempt to be shocking, and it's a first resort for the extremely untalented. Put a new spin on it or let it die.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Well, okay, given the material he presents in his tweets maybe stale rape jokes aren't so bad. This is the kind of joke you tried to impress friends with in third grade only to get punched in the nuts and called gay. In Saget's defense, he probably knows this and that's the joke, but in my defense he's Bob Saget and he's milked that crappy Aristocrats movie for the last 10 years so screw him. This might have even been used by Dave "Cut It Out" Coulier on the later years of "Full House." I think it was the episode where Stephanie finally came out of the closet. Maybe that was a fanfic script I wrote in college.
Ben Stiller (Redhourben)
I dreamt that JD Salinger started tweeting. 2:12 PM Aug 30th from TweetDeck
Wait ... who?
The prancing moron who wanted desperately to be the next Tom Cruise but had to settle for being Derek Zoolander. Stiller's written and starred in a ton of "comedy hits" like There's Something About Mary, Meet the Parents, Zoolander, and most recently Tropic Thunder, but when was the last time you laughed at anything he did? Personally I think he peaked directing The Cable Guy, but people still buy tickets to his damn movies.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Look who learned a new author today! I'll bet Stiller practiced this one a few times trying to find the perfect writer for his joke. Dostoyevsky? Too obscure. Nietzsche? Too pretentious. Seuss? Too close to home. Nope, only the most reclusive and reserved literary figure in history would make a good Twitter joke. So -- now what? Does he tweet about the corruption life has on children's souls? There's really not much to back up the bit there, Ben. And if that was an actual dream, there's a reason you were sleeping when it happened: it's boring as Shakespeare.
Bill Cosby (BillCosby)
It takes less than $5,000 a year to educate a young person, but $33,000 a year to incarcerate someone. 1:22 PM Aug 20th from web
Wait ... who?He's one of the most popular African-American stand-up comics ever. He got his TV start on "I-Spy," and everyone my age and younger has to remember him for his turn as Dr. Cliff Huxtable on "The Cosby Show" in the '80s and '90s. He's also hosted shows like "Kids Say the Darndest Things," hocked Jell-O and Kodak film, and earned the nickname "America's Dad." He also single-handedly launched the popularity of the giant poofy sweater.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Seeing "Activist Cosby" is like visiting your grandpa only to get a firm talking to about what you're doing with your life. You know he has a point, but Jesus all you wanted was a hug and a chance to bum $20. It's jarring, and honestly I don't know what the intended effect is. Am I supposed to start paying to educate young people? I'm still paying off trying to educate myself, Bill. Plus I'm willing to accept that the reason for the significant increase in prison costs is due to all the barbed wire, security guard salaries, and concrete involved in the move over.
John Larroquette (JohnLarroquette)
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. 23 minutes ago from web
Wait ... who?
We're on a roll with '80s TV stars. Larroquette got his big TV break on "Night Court" starring as the smarmy defense attorney Dan Fielding. When he wasn't bantering with Harry Anderson or trying to nail Markie Post (and who wasn't?) he was picking on Richard Moll and stealing the show as the breakout character Anderson had hoped to be. He also played a perfect foil to Bill Murray in Stripes. Nowadays? He snags a regular guest spot on shows like "House" and "Whatever Courtroom Drama CBS is Running Right Now." He also narrated The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.
Why are you tweeting that?!
He's also the creepy stoner conspiracy theorist explaining why the man can't let us just have a good ol' time and get high. John, c'mon man. Marijuana is illegal today because we haven't socially evolved to a point where we can stop clinging to false religious beliefs and completely arbitrary "morals." The mean ol' cotton growers have nothing to do with it any more than the government wanting to suppress any possibility that your eyes may open to the fact that you're being screwed by them in every facet of your life and you don't really need a state system so if you'd just rise up and dust yourself off we'd be free and happy and something like heaven might happen. Or, y'know, cotton farmers are okay too.
And your Twit of the Week is...
Andy Milonakis! (AndyMilonakis)
I have a machine that plays wave sounds in my bedroom so every night I dream about Frost-ing mermaids. 7 minutes ago from UberTwitter
Wait ... who?
No, he wasn't the Man Show Boy, but he did appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" several times and parlayed his antics as a 32-year-old man with a hormonal defect that makes him look like a fat pre-teen into his very own show on MTV, "The Andy Milonakis Show." Since then? Hoo boy. There was Waiting, and there was "Cooking With Coolio," a web cooking show. I'm sure there was something else too, but no one really cares.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Probably because of that "no one really cares" part. Milonakis was always just a couple "LOOK AT ME"s away from being Tom Green, and time after his brief popularity with the show has not been kind. I'll admit that I've considered a lot of Milonakis tweets for past columns, but I held back because I honestly thought they were too stupid to really be him. Then I saw this and I realized that yes, yes he is that stupid. Andy might as well just periodically tweet "SOMEBODY PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" because the antics are just as annoying and even less effective. This is the comedic equivalent of throwing Shakespeare at a wall to see what sticks, and Andy, this Shakespeare just sucks.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it here! And don't forget to follow @Zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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