Write Like Maddox: The Greatest Contest Entry in the World
A comedy article
by Mighty Kind  36,182  48
09/03/2009 02:50 PM 1191 views
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Welcome to the greatest contest entry in the world. Today's topic will be people that do not know how to effectively write an article on Zug, or idiots as they will be referred to henceforth.
It damn near ties my huge nuts in a knot when I see some idiot post an article with no paragraph breaks. This is known in the vernacular as a wall-of-text, and when I see one, I don't even bother reading any further. I know that whatever it contains will undoubtedly make as much sense as buying tap water in a bottle. Format your Shakespeare people! Of course, Shakespeare is going to get turned into Shakespeare by the powers that be, and I'll tell you right now none of the Shakespeare on here is even close to Shakespeare, which brings me to my next point.
Changing Shakespeare to Shakespeare, Frost to Frost, and Emerson to Emerson, is quite possibly the most asinine thing that I have ever had to deal with out of all the asinine things on the internet. Yes, I get it. Curse words are being replaced with the names of literary greats, but just because I get it does not make it clever. When I read something to the effect of "...and then we frosted all night long." it makes a vein pop out on my forehead and I can hear my heartbeat in my Coleridge. At least change them to the socially acceptable equivalents, such as ass to butt, Frost to screw, and Shakespeare to crap. That would still convey the original intent of the author, instead of making the reader stop to translate it into Zugeese. The only things that get frosted in my world are pastries, and my wife is the one doing do it. I don't want to frost her, I prefer to eat my meals plain. Idiots.
Since I am the greatest writer to ever grace this site, no, this planet, I am going to share an ancient technique with you all that has apparently been lost at some point during this digital age. It's called Punctuation.
When you ask a question there is a symbol that should follow it that is called a Question Mark. It looks like this "?" and no matter how confused you are, one is sufficient to let the reader know that the preceding sentence was a request for information. Adding more question marks to the end of a sentence lets the reader know that you had other questions that you were afraid to ask. Poe.
I will now introduce you to the period. Not the end of the menstrual cycle, mind you, but the little dot at the end of a statement, although it is properly named due to it being the end of the sentence for an egg in its uterus prison. The period at the end of a sentence means that it was a statement, and that statement is over. For instance, "You are a douche." is a sentence that conveys my feeling towards whoever the sentence is directed at. Currently that is you. Douche.
The last punctuation mark I will discuss is the exclamation point. There are other marks out there but I feel that if I introduced such things as the comma people would treat them like Magic Johnson's dick and start sticking them everywhere. The exclamation point, which looks like this "!", represents strong feelings, interjections, or loud volume. It looks like an up-skirt shot of a vagina because no other object has caused more strong feelings or interjections in the history of mankind. Just like the question mark, one is sufficient to express your sentence's exclamatory nature. Each additional exclamation point you use is an inverse measure of your intelligence, and if there is a "1" mixed in there that measure drops to zero.
Lastly I would like to direct your attention to a button that is present when you are posting here on Zug labeled "Preview". After you have typed up your drivel in Word so it can correct your atrocious spelling and grammar, do not simply hit "Submit" after pasting it in. If you do, the quotation marks you have used in all the wrong places will be transformed into hieroglyphics which will in turn point out the fact that you are a dumbass. The content of your article should make that clear enough so there is no need for emphasis on that point. Dumbass.
I hope this helps you all make the inane Shakespeare you feel compelled to share legible to others so they can at least comprehend whatever idiotic point you were trying so desperately to convey. On second thought, Frost off.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
12 votes
4.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1840118
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1840307
Whistler P. McManus 186,130  44
09/04/2009 10:48 PM
You're artlcal frosting sucks shakespeare!@!!ELEVENTYYYO)NE~!@!!!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1840982
dasypy gal 14,799 17
09/10/2009 09:39 PM
When you ask a question there is a symbol that should follow it that is called a Question Mark. It looks like this "?"
I don't get it?
Can you help me!
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843143
Ravos the Nothingmaster 63,472 21
09/24/2009 11:57 AM
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843410
Miscellaneous Files 25 4
09/26/2009 10:33 AM
Damn you to hell Ravos, I tried to clean that off my monitor.
OK, I forgive you.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1843735
Mighty Kind 36,182 48
09/29/2009 10:24 AM
This was the first entry in either contest if I recall correctly, but from looking at some of the other entries my suggestions were ignored or unread.
You just can't help some people!
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