It's really depressing when they start putting up Christmas decorations in October. Each year it seems to get earlier and earlier. Pretty soon it will be Christmas all year round! With that in mind, I wonder how people would react to an "out-of-season" Santa; one who gets an early jump on all the other Santas. That's why I'm going to put on a Santa suit and greet shoppers in downtown San Francisco during the middle of August. HO HO HO!
PREPARATION:
- 1 Rented Santa Suit
- 1 Bell
- 1 Handwritten Sign saying "Season's Greetings!"
LOCATION: Union Square, San Francisco USA
TIME OF YEAR: Middle of August
CATCH PHRASE: "Ho-Ho-Ho!"
A SOCK FULL OF COAL
'Tis the 135th day before Christmas, and all through the city good boys and girls wait patiently for the arrival of Santa! Since it's a scorching hot Wednesday afternoon in August, sunbathers have flocked to Union Square, while tourists snap picturesque photos of passing cable cars. The only thing missing: Christmas cheer!
This is one of the best Santa suits I've ever seen. Except the beard keeps falling down, making it hard to hide my long dreadlocks. Some people might not be convinced that I'm the "actual" Santa. Instead of collecting money for charity, like most seasonal Santas, I'll simply ring my bell, trying to get tourists and shoppers into the holiday spirit.
I suit up. The reason Santa comes out in December is because the suit is too damn hot in summer. A few sun-worshippers witness the eerie transformation from normal civilian to full-fledged Santa as I zip my red Santa jacket over a big pillow, creating the desired "jolly" effect. Like Bruce Wayne metamorphosing into Batman, I place the red hat on top of my head.
"I am Claus ... Santa Claus!"
Things start off poorly. I begin by waving at passing vehicles, general ho-ho-hoing and bringing attention to my hand-scrawled "Season's Greetings!" sign. Some are happy at the reemergence of everyone's favorite fatman. Others act like Santa doesn't even exist.
"Happy Holidays!" I shout at shoppers.
Two businesswomen, one with a Blackberry, are absorbed in a deep conversation.
"Do you want to sit on Santa's lap?" I ask them as they walk by.
"No!" one says sharply. "No, thank you!"
"Come on. Sit on Santa's lap!"
"Absolutely not!"
"I know when you're naughty or nice!" I yell as they quickly walk away. I'll have to remember to cross them off the Christmas list.
"Do you know where MTV is?" a teenage girl asks Santa, looking for the local VJ auditions. How dare she.
"I'm fricken Santa here! I'm not a direction service! If you can't get into the holiday spirit, then f-off!"
The teenage girl swears at Santa.
"I see you when you're sleeping!" I warn her.
She walks away, giving me the finger. She too will be crossed off my Christmas list!
CONFRONTATIONAL SANTA
I get in a bell ringing match with a cable car full of blank-faced tourists.
"Happy Holidays, everyone?" I wave. No one waves back.
A tour bus with a cable car top pulls over. I need to set matters straight, once and for all, in this pre-holiday season. "This is not a real cable car. It's a truck with the top of cable car," I tell them. A line of confused tourists wonders why Santa is pointing this out to them.
Exhibit A: Truck masquerading as cable car.
"This IS a real cable car," explains the driver. "It's the King Cruiser tour!"
I turn to a German tourist next to me. "Look, wheels!"
The driver doesn't like the fact I've pulled back the curtain and revealed the wizard.
"Look, it's a real cable car. It moves, OK!" he snarls.
"It's not a real cable car." I restate to the tourist. Look, wheels. It's a truck." The tourist don't know whether to take sides with Santa or the driver.
"OK then, you're NOT a real Santa!" he retorts. "I've never seen a Santa with dreadlocks!" Whoa -- low blow. This might shatter the fantasy of children witnessing this exchange.
"Santa in August lets his hair down a bit," I calmly reply. "Mrs. Claus kicked me out of the house for being a lazy bastard."
The driver spots my cameraman. "What channel are we going to be on?"
"The Santa Channel. 24 hours a day -- all Santa! 365 days a year."
"Hey, don't quit your day job," says the cowardly driver, as he puts his cable car truck into gear.
"It's just a truck!" I scream, putting my fist in the air. "DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF SANTA!"
Shaking off the confrontation, I round the corner and encounter one of San Francisco's many delightful street performers -- the Human Statue! A grown man painted silver, wearing sunglasses, sits perfectly still on the ledge by some stairs. And for this, people give him money.
Just like a real statue, birds sometimes crap on his head.
Ringing my bell, I approach the silver-statue-man.
"So how are you spending your holiday season?"
No reaction.
"What do you want for Christmas this year!" I see the corner of his mouth slightly quivering. Silver-statue-man points to his mouth. Apparently he's a human statue with the ability to move. Santa heals all!
"Aaah, the ability to speak and move," is my interpretation. Silver-statue-man points to his mouth. His teeth are yellow. Maybe he is playing charades?
"Sounds like ... teeth? Talking?! HO HO HO!"
Then, I too mysteriously freeze in place, arms in the air.
"I am the human Santa statue! Note the human-like quality of the Santa statue!" I say, frozen, through my clenched teeth. Even though he neither moves nor speaks, I can tell that the silver-statue-man hates me. He's crossed off my Christmas list as well!
SIT ON SANTA'S LAP!
Standing in front of Macy's department store, I take post near the entrance, ringing my bell, greeting shoppers. Little kids look shattered at my presence.
"Mommy, why is Santa here?!"
"Merry Christmas, kids!" I yell. They clutch their mom and flee in terror.
"How's your holiday season going?" I ask a bald foreigner, leaving the store with his wife.
"It's too early for Christmas," the bald foreigner confesses.
"No it's not. There's only 135 more shopping days!"
"What are you doing?" interrupts a confused Italian man.
"I'm getting an early start. It's very competitive in the Santa field!" Momentarily I stop ringing my bell. He pulls at my fake, white beard, questioning my validity.
"Well, maybe that's why I need an early start. I have to try that much harder to get a jump on the other Santas," I confess.
"There's Santa!" says the confused Italian man, pointing at his father, who is an old man with a white beard.
"Santa!" I exclaim, giving his father a warm Santa-hug. "I'm merely an impostor Santa, while you are the real, actual Santa! Happy holidays!" We bond.
He looks an awful lot like this.
I put up my hand. "High-five Santa!" I don't think the real Santa can speak English. He doesn't high-five my hand. Bah humbug. I'll have to remember to cross Santa off my Christmas list.
"Do you know what Santa wants for Christmas?" I ask a cute girl holding a map.
"World peace?" she answers.
"World peace and an Egg McMuffin," I clarify.
"Well I hope you get it Santa. I'm sure you will."
"Do you want to sit on Santa's lap," I say, putting on the old Santa charm. Unfortunately, the cute girl declines. I slap my hand against my knee.
"Come on, sit on Santa's lap!!! WHO'S SANTA'S DADDY!?"
She runs away.
Sadly, I guess people really need to be closer to the holiday season to genuinely get in the holiday spirit. But maybe I brightened their day, bringing them a little Santa cheer in the middle of August. I guess they'll have to wait until December, when I make a reappearance as the Easter Bunny!
Harmon Leon is an American journalist and humorist, and the author of five books, including The American Dream. Follow his infiltration exploits at Freedomhaters.org.
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