Whistler P. McManus 141,645 23
09/08/2009 01:23 PM

General Mustard did it in the library with the rope.

General Custard did it in the kitchen, with the soft ice cream.

Whistler P. McManus 141,645 23
09/08/2009 01:29 PM

Wait a second, that was Colonel Mustard. In Coney Island, with the hot dog.

And Colonel Sanders, in Kentucky, with the chicken.


History makes me hungry.

dasypy gal 5,646 7
09/08/2009 01:30 PM

Is it possible that your college boy had condomscondiments on his mind?

You make me feel so Ravos 34,407 10
09/08/2009 04:24 PM

Know what my kids said recently?

Nothing, because I don't have any anymore.

Gonzo 17,604 12
09/08/2009 05:23 PM

Mine haven't said anything...

(wait for it... lame joke in 3... 2... 1...)


That I know of!

Bwa-hahahaha!

Bill the Squirrel 25,535 8
09/08/2009 06:30 PM

My son says so many wierd things, you would almost think he was my biological son.


The other day, my son said something wierd. His mother had told him to clean his room. He looked at her with a straight face and said, "But mom, we're noodle folk. Noodle folk don't clean rooms. They make noodles."

You make me feel so Ravos 34,407 10
09/08/2009 06:37 PM

How did she know his room needed cleaning anyway?

Lupie 26,463 6
09/08/2009 08:41 PM

"Mom, can I bring my Game Boy over to Grandma's? I won't let Ben Frost with it."


OK- This was MANY years ago when my son was 4, but I don't care, it was funny.

Mr Crabs 276 3
09/08/2009 09:22 PM

Dropped my daughter off at her college on the week-end. This is her first year and she's living in residence. After we unloaded the car, she was quick to bid us a fine adieu and send us packing. About 45 minutes into our long drive home we received a text from our daughter saying that the school doesn't offer wireless internet and she doesn't have an ethernet cable. "I don't have anything to do!" The mental image of her siting in her room amid unpacked boxes while all kinds of orientation activities were going on all around her was too funny. College or kindergarten, some things never change that much.

PorterHouse Steak 444 1
09/08/2009 09:28 PM

Normally im a calm driver, but at times when I get agervated I might spout off with my kids in the car something to the effect of "Move Mother Froster".

The other night, me and the family were on the way to the movies and my 3 yr old daughter starts singing "Move Mother Froster, Move Mother Froster" and so on and so on. She was just singing it for no reason, she sang untill i could stop laughing and tell her not to say that.

KChikita Banana Box 50,447 11
09/08/2009 11:33 PM

"SpongeBOB! SpongeBOB!"

He doesn't say much yet.

You make me feel so Ravos 34,407 10
09/08/2009 11:59 PM

"MMmffffmmm! Mmmmmmffff! MMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"

TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
09/09/2009 12:04 AM

Hey Bill, the noodle thing was paraphrased from Kung Fu Panda. My kids do it too. I think they're being off the wall and random. Turns out they're just regurgitating Disney Channel. One time I called my son on it and he said "Originality is only the ability to hide your sources well." I think he stole that too.

Pubah 47,451 11
09/09/2009 05:01 AM

"Dad, can I have some money to get my hair done?"

Mielke 1,438 3
09/09/2009 05:09 AM

Sometimes when I tell my four year old she can't have ice cream for breakfast I get "I don't love you daddy anymore,I am not gonna be your daughter anymore,I am gonna leave this family"...as she goes to her room and slams door.


2 mins later she loves me again.


Can you say DRAMA QUEEN!....Just like her mom.

Dr. Shempso The Heavy Metal Stooge 16,492 9
09/09/2009 06:04 AM

I dont have any kids of my own, I traded the last one I had in for a gallon of Mad Dog 20/20 and a half ounce of crank. But I digress.

My sister's 8 year old son came out of the bathroom the other night after taking a shower, with his hair all combed back and wet, he says, "Look Ma, I'm slick as a dick!".

Dr. Shempso The Heavy Metal Stooge 16,492 9
09/09/2009 06:07 AM

P.S.

After we stopped laughing and my sister put the bong down, she slapped the piss out of the little bastard.

Jepperoni 57,795 10
09/09/2009 06:26 AM

My kids have not told me anything earth-shattering lately but my seven year old keeps answering me with "Yes, Lord Vader". I'm about ready to bust out the force and choke his wise little ass.

Mr.Coffee 807 8
09/09/2009 08:02 PM

Splat.

(Onomatopoetically, anyway. I don't have kids yet)

TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
09/09/2009 08:52 PM

OMG Millie, look what that cat did to your door! It's time for someone to be an outdoor kitty.

Whistler P. McManus 141,645 23
09/09/2009 09:30 PM

"Dad, can I have some money to get my hair done?"


I feel for you, brother Pubah. I've heard all of these this week.

19-year-old son: "Where's your wallet?" Or he just leaves a parking ticket he got on my dresser.

11-year-old son: "Is there anything I can do for you to earn $400 dollars real quick?"

23-month-old daughter: "AAAAAAAAH!" (pointing to her diaper, which is full of poop).

It's a good thing I'm well-medicated.

Whistler P. McManus 141,645 23
09/09/2009 09:31 PM

Millie's kid: "Welcome to Cat in the Box, you will take my order."

Chix is in da house 238,127 14
09/24/2009 07:34 PM

Chickens' kid at the Highland Games couple weekends ago: Dad, can I have....

Chickens, interrupting: It's a sporran. Not an atm.

Chickens' kid didn't get it.


Stupid kid.

Bean 4,408 13
09/24/2009 09:13 PM

My Daughter to her Grandma, before her school program - "My tummy feels all excited!"

Grandma to Daughter - "Does it feel like there are butterflies in there?"

Daughter to Grandma - "I didn't eat any butterflies"

A B C Easy as 1 2 Lobstah 9,801 9
09/24/2009 11:21 PM

Last night:

"googrllm pltpltpltpltplt bah BOOOOOOO bah. elhlohleolha blblbl pltttthththth."

A B C Easy as 1 2 Lobstah 9,801 9
09/24/2009 11:40 PM

She's growing up so fast:

Ali Legend 737 5
09/25/2009 12:29 AM

Everyone on the internet is a virgin.

Drowning Fish 202 2
09/25/2009 10:37 AM

I don't have any kids, but I've been a nanny for years so I've heard just about all of it. Most recently:

A four year old boy was using foul language and his mother reached over to pop his mouth and he blurted out "Give peace a chance!!"

My sister was telling my brother's six year old that we didn't have a birthday party for her one year old because he was happy just spending time with family and friends and having a nice evening at home. Her response was, "Who would think something retarded like that?"

Other brother's three year old daughter screamed "This is just bullShakespeare!" and stomped her feet.

I really wish I'd gone to college.

Frogpop 155,678 12
09/25/2009 12:23 PM

Chickens, interrupting: It's a sporran. Not an atm.
Chickens' kid didn't get it.
Stupid kid.

You're tellin' me.. trying to bum money at a festival of Scottsmen?

Next time, think with yer dipstick Jimmy! *Wah-PCHHHHH*

Mielke 1,438 3
09/25/2009 06:01 PM

Our cat who is not fixed yet got out 3 days ago and has not been seen since.
I am talking to my wife about the fact that I dread the thought of Maggie coming home with kittens in her tummy when my four year old exclaims "Mommy I am going to keep one of those cute little kittens and throw the rest in the garbage and the big cat to".

Chance 168,281 11
09/25/2009 07:40 PM

Watching Water Boy last night my son asked me "Mommy, whats a virgin?".

So I showed him a picture of Michael Jackson.

peoriagrace 5,962 9
09/28/2009 06:30 AM

My son: Stop talking, you're sluttering up all your words.



My daughter(4): Uh oh; Daddy you happened again. He had sang a poop song.

Crash Test Dummy 3,605 7
09/28/2009 08:01 AM

By our 10 year old son, after we gave him hell for not emptying the dishwasher after we fairly warned him that a Shakespearestorm was headed his way soon:

"Do you really expect me to obey all the rules? You think I'm a slave or something? I've got important stuff to do too, you know." (said stuff being that he wanted to finish his level on whatever game he was playing on his DS)