Tell It Like Tucker: A Bad Day for Hamsters and Dicks
A comedy article
by dredman  110  6
09/08/2009 11:35 PM 1382 views
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It was a terrific 6th birthday. I had an ice cream party, and all of my friends were there. We played games and started an ice cream fight, much to the chaperoning parent's dismay.
I returned from Baskin Robbins to find one of the most memorable gifts I've ever received. I got a hamster! My very own pet hamster with his own cage and running wheel. I was excited to have another living creature that I could boss around. I named him Chestnut. He was brindled and dappled with white fur and nougat colored splotches. I was the awesomest kid around. I could't wait to make everyone at school want to fight me because I was different.
Chestnut wasn't very happy when I kept him awake all day to play, but he only bit me from time to time, and I didn't mind too much. It was normal for a couple of good buddies. I felt cool walking around with him sitting on my shoulder. Most times he would root there; tasting the air with his nose or pooping little nuggets that would roll down my back and biodegrade in the living room carpet.
I liked having the cage in my bedroom. I could keep my eye on him just before I dozed off to sleep, and play with him as soon as I hopped out of my bed in the morning, often times before even putting on any clothes.
Though soon the honeymoon stage of our friendship came to a close. Chestnut made his cage smell like rat piss, like some sort of idiot might, and he totally pooped right where he slept. I questioned his sanity. Our once playful pet-owner relationship evolved into something a bit more hostile. I would jab him with a straw and he would attack it ferociously. Or I would Chinese water torture him while he slept to see how long it would take his puny brain to register that he should move.
Our one sided battles raged on daily as I would find new ways to punish Chestnut for growing urine fused dreadlocks and not wiping his dingleberry'd ass properly.
His once crisp and earthly fresh wood shavings had turned into a gelatinous swamp. I didn't poop and pee in my bed and I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't just designate a corner.
As much as I tormented the little guy; I began to feel guilty and I pulled him out one morning after a long spell of allowing him to wallow in piss. His fur was sticky and matted. I held two pinch fulls of his fur between my index fingers and thumbs. Offended by my disgust of his physical state, Chestnut made the boldest hamster move his kind has ever engaged. In perfect sequence, with one quick upper body contortion he doubled back on my finger and clamped down on it with his incisors. My nubile body, fresh from sleep, reacted in a wild hyper explosion of arms and legs, flinging the hamster end over end. Momentarily frozen, clutching my damaged appendage, I lost site of the rodent. In a split second he was out of my sight from above, free-falling past my soured mouth and squinting eyes. He clawed down my belly reaching for anything to slow his pace, biting instantaneous on the last tree branch prior to the fate of a cliff plummet. His bite on my penis happened within the twinkling of an eye. It was the reaction one would expect from under hand throwing a magnet at a refrigerator. He had an entire mouth full of adolescent penis and he wasn't even Catholic. Chestnuts jaws snapped and locked in survival mode on the aft of my shaft. His shivering legs suspended in mid air. I released my clutched thumb and blood trickled out like the mouth of a calcified fountain. Tears began to collect in the corners of my ducts before streaming down my cheeks, but I remained motionless. The pain was excruciating on my sapling and with even the slightest shift in weight it would intensify because the hamster would re-clench his jaws and take a larger skin sample. Though, I had no recollection of the first, I feared a second circumcision was imminent. The laws of the Torah do not permit EVEN the highest ordained hamsters to perform circumcisions. I needed to make my move with the quickness of a cheetah and stealth of a ninja. Not only does hard wood flooring make sense financially when reviewing electricity savings and carpet maintenance, but it allows young boys to shuffle their feet carefully while they have a rodent dangling from their genitals.
Our eyes never parted. Chestnut was staring right through me and I could feel Satan in the pulse of his black cornea. I wished at that moment he could have read my mind and seen all of the awful things that I had planned for the final moments of his life. Penis or not, I would not allow his survival that morning. And he was to 'not-survive' in the worst possible way that a 6 year old could muster.
How much quality of life could a hamster forfeit before it's no longer worth living? Of the 999 ways to die, I hope that I can pass one of the 998 other ways that doesn't involve a dick in my mouth. But that's a personal choice and might not be shared by all.
My feet shuffled gingerly and my eyes were focused fanatically on my groin. I saw nothing but teeth: The glaring off-white teeth of a track proven omnivore. Chestnuts teeth are by design wood chippers or nut crunchers, not sausage slicers; but between the upper and lower mandibles of this fierce animal my epidermis was beginning to tear. A once severe bruise was slowly becoming an open wound. The teeth sunk deeper as the hamster struggled to maintain his clasp. I needed assistance from the SPCA. Most urgently I needed my mother. She could fix anything.
I made my way to the top of the flight of stairs where I could hear my mother preparing breakfast in the kitchen below.
Tears were splashing against my inner thighs. A pan of grease crackled as my mom added bacon. With a frightened whimper, I mouthed my mothers name, 'mahahaham'. She couldn't hear past The Canola Oil Live and in Stereo. I grabbed the nearest item within arms distance for throwing purposes. It was a small potted plant and I didn't hesitate in heaving it to the bottom of the stairs. It shattered, leaving a homeless plant with bare naked roots.
'Hey!' she screamed from the kitchen. Without any response she was inclined to investigate, just as I had hoped.
When she reached the base of the stairs and looked up she clenched her chest as if to check for a seat belt. Wide-eyed she scurried up the stairs to help me. I shook my head and stop-signaled wildly; in a small crying voice alerting her that the hamster bites harder when spooked.
She snuck up closer to analyze the situation. Her hands began miming a box around my crotch. With lively carnival music and silly costumes our obscure show would've been Vaudeville.
A job without tools is incomplete. Mom backed down the stairs and disappeared into the adjoining garage.
My legs were shaking. Every so often Chestnut would claw at the base of my baby carrot but not have enough strength to do much else.
Consistent tears nearly transitioned to silent wailing as my savior returned adorned in a welding helmet with needle nose pliers in hand. She traversed the stairway once again and settled into position less than a foot from my privates. She hasn't come that close since.
She held the pliers at eye level and slowly moved them closer to the hamsters nappy head. Chestnut rapidly began chewing my pecker like a packing peanut. No longer able to maintain my composure, I screamed like a bitch. The decibels unearthed were ghastly. And then it was over. Though pulsating with a slow trickle of blood; teeth no longer teethed me. Chestnut wasn't attached to his branch, nor was he trapped between the steely spears of the pliers. He had fallen off suddenly before being plier'd and landed between my feet twitching violently. Before I could grab him and chop HIS penis to shreds, he had died of a heart attack.
Though I was upset to have my ding-a-ling run through the blender cycle of puree, I wasn't old enough at the time to be vengeful. Innocence unabated; I gave Chestnut a proper burial in my backyard, with a wrapping of gauze mummifying my penis; I spoke a few kind words to honor his existence.
Until dogs dug up his corpse a few days later and ate him, there he lay in peace, with the taste of dick still fresh on his rotting gums.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
24 votes
4.4
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130  44
09/09/2009 11:00 AM
I 5'd this because it's a great story, and well told, but I don't see what it has to do with the contest, and it would have benefitted from a proofread and second draft.
Keep posting.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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PorterHouse Steak 477 4
09/10/2009 07:06 AM
So are you still disfigured from the incident?
When I was younger I had ferrets and somewhat the same problem, I happened to be sitting on the floor in the nude (I don’t remember why) and one of my ferrets thought that my gut wrench was a snack. She latched onto me until I punched her in the head. I still have the indentations she left me with.
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0 votes
0.0
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UnderWhere? 101,398 77
09/17/2009 11:29 AM
This was an awesome story, well told.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Miscellaneous Files 25 4
09/24/2009 06:08 AM
His bite on my penis happened within the twinkling of an eye.
Made my eyes water a bit lot.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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The Spit in Hospitality 1,071 8
09/24/2009 11:29 AM
So you had your dick out, playing with the hamster, and he just happened to bit you on the penis. And it was an accident. Riiiight.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Chix is in da house 286,629 61
09/24/2009 11:35 AM
You had me at, "The laws of the Torah do not permit EVEN the highest ordained hamsters to perform circumcisions."
I had no idea.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Drowning Fish 222 4
09/24/2009 10:12 PM
If it's penis to mouth contact, it technically counts as sexual. No matter how awkwardly it happened.
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