Write Like Maddox: Customers Suck and so do You
A comedy article
by Madness  4,366  10
09/09/2009 09:34 AM 1026 views
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Customers are retarded. Unlike most every other occupation or social classification, there is no required level of education or intelligence to be a customer. A fourth grade dropout with a severe brain injury is qualified to be a customer. From common sense violations such as thinking they can wash their cell phones in the sink if they get dirty, to the loftiest peaks of ineptitude, customers, and therefore everybody except me, sucks. I say this because I don't buy Shakespeare, I take it, so technically I'm not a customer, bitches.
An uneducated customer is at least tolerable, since you can explain the facts to them so they go back into the world less retarded than before. Partially educated customers are the worst, they come up to you convinced they know everything about anything because they briefly skimmed a wikipedia article on it. They act high and mighty, failing to realize that sales associates are paid to know more than their arrogant asses. These customers usually need a roundhouse Coleridgeslap to the face to be brought to their senses.
One of the biggest lies in the retail industry is that "the customer is always right." That's bullShakespeare for two reasons. The first is because I'm always right since I rule. The second is because a customer can't come into a store and tell the staff that the sky is green. What the hell are they supposed to do? Humor him? Frost that, humoring people is for pussies. Real men argue their point relentlessly or punch the other persons face in trying.
Another example of customer nincomShakespearetery is the perpetual requests for discounts. "It's on display, can I have a discount?" "It's really expensive, can I have a discount?" "I'm breathing, can I have a discount?" This isn't India you douchebags, the price you see is the price you pay. When you go to a supermarket, do you ask for a discount on the produce because it's "on display?" I didn't think so, dipFrost.
Customers asking for discounts on products because they're expensive are completely mind boggling. First of all, if it's expensive it's safe to assume the store is losing money by selling it stand alone and is relying on selling accessories to make up for the lost margin, so Frost you. Secondly, for the most part, if it's expensive, it's good; you get what you pay for. It's a simple concept, and the fact it needs to be explained to people on a daily basis makes my blood boil and further cements my belief that the gene pool is long overdue for a dose of chlorine.
At least once per week, I hear of one smartass tightwad oaf who wants a discount "just because." Upon request for a justification for them getting a discount, all they reply with is a limp-dicked "Well...I just wanted to know if you could do anything about the price." Yes, and I just want to know if you could do anything about your presence in this store you tool. Whenever somebody does this I should just ask them for some cash right then and there because that's essentially what they're doing to the sales rep. So if they're just asking for a handout, what does that make them? It makes them a beggar. And where's the safest place for a beggar? At least 300 feet away from my fist.
The biggest affront to logic and decency comes when customers, after a salesman has blown their load all over the customer’s face, having pitched a product honestly and accurately, only to have the customer ask like a dumbass "Great! Does it work?" Of course it works you addlebrained Frostwad. What sort of demented and Frosted up thought process would lead somebody to ask such a stupid question? Are they insinuating that a store would knowingly stock defective merchandise, and encourage employees to knowingly sell it? That's the only thing that comes to mind, but knowing how downright moronic customers can be, that's probably it. Next time a customer impugns a store's integrity by asking this question, I think I'll impugn that customer's intelligence by calling them a Frosttard.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
12 votes
3.8
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Funny
7 votes
3.2
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130  44
09/09/2009 11:16 AM
There are a bunch of typos in that article. Can I get a discount?
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0 votes
0.0
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Madness 4,366 10
09/09/2009 12:40 PM
That was some weird formatting quirk, I definately didn't enter it that way.
I wonder if it's possible for it to be corrected for MAXIMUM IMPACT.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
09/09/2009 05:48 PM
I disagreed with most all of what you said, but damnit if you weren't convincing. I would have paid good money to watch you accidentally stub your toe after writing this.
I hope more stuff pisses you off and you whine about it on here again in the future.
I'll be unclean for admitting it, but Whistler's right. Give it a proof-read or two before posting. It ain't gots to be perfect, but their some winey biches sometime and it helps to conveyor you're meaning better.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Madness 4,366 10
09/09/2009 06:05 PM
"I would have paid good money to watch you accidentally stub your toe after writing this."
You know, my right big toe has been hurting me ever since I began work on this article yesterday, no joke. Do you have any psychic powers I should know about?
And I'm looking into getting the (tm)s and whatnot fixed, but they definately weren't there when I typed the article out. The error only happens where apostrophes and quotation marks should be so I can only assume it's a formatting error of some kind.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,348 4
09/09/2009 08:07 PM
Do you have any psychic powers I should know about?
Yes, I am psychic actually, but mostly in the spooky sense and rarely in the convenient sense. I'm not really sure if you should know about it or not though.
I sincerely wasn't trying to be critical as I thoroughly enjoyed your article. I think your errors may have come from copy and pasting out of MS Word or something. You can just hit the "preview" button to check it before you post, or download the Mozilla Firefox browser. It's free, better than Explorer, and has a spleecheck.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Madness 4,366 10
09/14/2009 09:15 AM
Thank you John for fixing my article!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Mielke 1,482 6
09/23/2009 08:34 AM
Dumb ass people like to live beyond their means and use credit to buy things they cant afford.....Smart people save the money and pay cash.
So these dumb asses are the ones that are paying yo bills so don't get all mad and Shakespeare just do some "new math" and tell them you will give them 10 percent off then take the price and times it by 1.1 and add the tax and delivery and watch them try to figure it out all the way to the car,most people will just give up and you will probably get a raise and promotion.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos the Nothingmaster 63,472 21
09/24/2009 12:02 PM
THis article is dumb. Can I have a discount?
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Ravos the Nothingmaster 63,472 21
09/24/2009 12:03 PM
All of the comments on this article are dumb. Especially th one above this one. Can I get a discount?
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Ravos the Nothingmaster 63,472 21
09/24/2009 12:03 PM
When you go to a supermarket, do you ask for a discount on the produce because it's "on display?" I didn't think so, dipFrost.
I didn't before, but I sure as hell am going to now!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Drowning Fish 222 4
09/28/2009 05:05 AM
That specific error fails to bother me because I've seen it bagillions of times and there's no recognizing it until after it's posted. Otherwise, well written and very amusing. Thanks for not sucking.
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