Twits of the Week: Backstreet Boys! Counting Crows! And more!
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  43,809  9
09/10/2009 06:00 AM 2412 views
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While you were out shotgunning beers and roasting animal chunks for drunken consumption this Labor Day, I was chained to my computer reading the internet's version of the Necronomicon: celebrity tweets. My only consolation is that the spell encoded into this column will cause you to be molested by trees in the night. Here are this week's twits!
The Backstreet Boys (@backstreetboys)
We're fondu'ing it in a minute.... about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry
Wait ... who?
They took the world by storm back in 1993 as Lou Perlman's concubines boy band du jour. They picked up the NKOTB flag and rallied around trying to ruin music entirely with hits like "I Want It That Way," "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely," and "Larger Than Life," which Wikipedia tells me all came off the same album. After losing the Boy Band Wars to NSYNC and struggling to find any identity to glom on to, the boys reinvented themselves with a "new sound" comprising solely of live instruments, "some of which they even played themselves" according to their Wiki bio. Critics promptly panned it as a steaming pile of Shakespeare and the Backstreet Boys have been struggling to be relevant ever since.
Why are you tweeting that?!
And now we know what the boys have been up to for the last 10 years. Apparently Nick, Brian, Howie, AJ, and even the creepy 50-year-old Kevin have been huddled around a hot plate taking turns melting down Velveeta and Hershey's Syrup to dip the Oyster crackers they've stolen from Panera for the day. It's not so annoying that these guys have fallen so far; that part is actually pretty nice. The annoying part is the fact that despite the fact that their target demographic is creeping into their 20s and hopefully starting to discover what real music is, they still feel the need to let us know that they're having fondue. Alone. This really doesn't do much to dispel the disparaging gay rumors either, guys.
Counting Crows (@CountingCrows)
@SarahPaulson Are you going to miss ALL our concerts? Thursday in Central Park? 2:37 AM Sep 2nd from web in reply to SarahPaulson
Wait ... who?
They're the band that shows up for a concert, plays "Mr. Jones and Me" 15 times in a row, then does an encore in which they murder Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi," packs up their gear and heads off to another Midwestern town stuck in the heyday of 1994. Yes, I know, they had a bunch of other albums and songs released. But stop anyone on the street and ask them about Counting Crows and they're not going to even remember the Oscar-winning "Accidentally In Love." They're going to say, "Oh yeah, Mr. Jones and Me. Did those guys die or something?"
Why are you tweeting that?!
There are separate circles of the hell that is waning fame. Sebastian Bach is stuck on the circle where you constantly have to remind overzealous fans of your work from 25 years ago that you're not touring. The Backstreet Boys have only the dim flickering memory of groupies as they ladle molten chocolate and bananas into each other's mouths. And Counting Crows? Counting Crows have resorted to guilt-tripping individual fans through Twitter into attending a concert. Congrats guys, you've officially come full circle and are back to your freshman year of college: "So my band's playing at this coffee house. It's a real eclectic place, real mellow. You should check it out. What? You're always working, man. Are you ever gonna come see a show? Dude we need people at the door or they won't let us come back!"
Jillian Reynolds (@AskJillian)
Ya he'll let me sit on it but who want to see a tubby preggo chick sitting on a west coast chopper. Maybe after baby when I'm bikini ready! 11:36 AM Sep 5th from TwitterFon
Wait ... who?
She was the Fox NFL Sunday weathergirl for a few seasons, and that's probably the only thing you'll know her from if you don't live in the LA area. She co-hosts "Good Day LA," "American Idol Extra," and "That's So Hollywood" in addition to hawking Nutrisystem diet plans. Presumably she is the "after" to Mike Golic's "before."
Why are you tweeting that?!
"And Feminism wept," I believe is the next line of that tweet. Kudos to Reynolds for callin' like it is: there's nothing remotely positive about a woman with child who could look healthy and vibrant and glowing. Shakespeare no! If she can't cram those overly-saturated fun bags into a 34D and start showing a flat midriff then a woman really has no use to America, and certainly shouldn't be photographed. For all the women who hate men because they have expectations like this: it's a little confusing when your own side is perpetuating the stereotype.
Sister Hazel (@@SisterHazelBand
Chocolate covered Bacon!!!!!!! about 4 hours ago from TwitterFon
Wait ... who?
Sister Hazel came into existence in 1993 and quickly filled the musical niche of "writing songs that people might confuse for Hootie and the Blowfish, or maybe Blues Traveler." They queefed out "All for You", a horribly sappy and ridiculously overplayed piece of trash that made me start writing letters for Mark David Chapman's immediate release. Roughly 20 minutes after releasing that song their career promptly pulled a kamikaze into the USS Washed Up. There were no survivors.
Why are you tweeting that?!
"Hey guys! I just read on 'Ain't it Cool News' that bacon is a popular internet meme! We should jump on board while there's still time!" Congrats, Sister Hazel. You're only about five years behind the curve on the bacon craze, which is approximately 25 years ahead of where your music stands in relation to the zeitgeist. You're also the first band to kill my inherent passion for salted pork products, and that takes some serious suck-assery. So fire up your copy of Netscape, surf on over to WebCrawler, and check out what all the fuss is about these LOLCats I'm hearing so much about.
And your Twit of the Week is...
Kimberly Cole (@KimberlyCole1)
Okay.... sooooo I am totally supposed to be going out tonight but I don't feel like doing my hair! It's too long....What to do : -/ 2:11 AM Sep 6th from web
Wait ... who?
Since she's not significant enough to have a Wikipedia page, I'm going to go off her album cover and assume that Kimberly Cole is a transsexual trying to start a music career as a woman. Seriously. Look at that picture up there. Now look at this one. I know what you're thinking, but no, it's not the same picture. So far Kimberly's managed to open up for Katy Perry, who I assume is another drag queen singer. Sky's the limit! She also holds the distinction of being the first piece of "music" I've ever previewed that made my wife come into the room and stare disapprovingly at me.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Ah, where to begin? Emoticons, while inherently classy, should really only indicate actual facial expressions that are physically possible. This one seems to suggest that you just had a stroke, and I would ask that you kindly not get my hopes up Kimberly. So now we have this hair problem to deal with. Here's what you do: walk down the streets of Orange County until you find a building with the word "SALON" on it. Don't worry about actually reading it, just recognize those letters in that order and you're fine. Walk inside (you'll need to open the door first). Ask to see a stylist; they may give you grief about an "appointment" but explain to them that you have a Myspace Music page and are therefore better than anyone else. Once the stylist arrives, ask to inspect their scissors. Take the scissors and plunge them as deeply into your neck as you can, repeating until death, because you are too goddamn stupid to go get a haircut when your hair's too long.
Got a celebrity tweet you'd like to see skewered? Post it here! And don't forget to follow @Zugtweet for updates!
Randall Cleveland is a comedy writer and improv performer based in Los Angeles and St. Louis. He is currently teaching improv and coaching the Harold team "Ugly Coyote" at The Improv Trick in St. Louis, MO. You can read more about his exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.5
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 116,625  19
09/10/2009 06:02 AM
I queefed out several laughs reading this week's column. Nice work.
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Thud 53,122 10
09/10/2009 06:09 AM
I'm going to start a betting pool on how many weeks of this syncope can take before he goes insane.
Wait, make that "before he goes more insane than usual".
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0 votes
0.0
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Pants 12,163 13
09/10/2009 06:42 AM
Bravo!
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Frogpop 155,669 12
09/10/2009 11:53 AM
..writing songs that people might confuse for Hootie and the Blowfish, or maybe Blues Traveler." They queefed out "All for You"..
Dude.. I thought that song WAS by Blues Traveler!
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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cycoivan 9,051 6
09/10/2009 11:55 PM
Could someone paraphrase what Randall wrote after Jillian Reynolds entry. I keep trying to scroll down to read it but there are two things stopping me
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
09/11/2009 04:30 AM
There was something after Jillian Reynolds?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,532 23
09/11/2009 05:44 PM
Backstreet Boys, Counting Crows, Jillian (Barberie) Reynolds: you almost had a has-been corner edition of twit of the week going. Nice job.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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KChikita Banana Box 50,428 11
09/11/2009 05:49 PM
Dude! Not Sister Hazel!
::cries into her "Totally 90's" albums::
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0 votes
0.0
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Professor Fucksock 1,080 3
09/13/2009 12:35 AM
Twit of the week nominee - @misskatieprice aka Jordan. A British publicity hound with stupid looking fake tits who's just broke up with Peter Andre.
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0 votes
0.0
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Animaux 1 1
09/14/2009 12:47 AM
Il like this news!
animaux
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0 votes
0.0
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mandellia 36 1
09/14/2009 01:58 PM
to ruin music that's it. Backstreet boys has ruined so many ears.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Randall Cleveland 43,809 9
09/15/2009 04:08 AM
I honestly never got the "Jillian Reynolds is hot" thing. She is every vapid, fake-titted attention whore I've ever seen rolled up into one. When you can't make blonde and big boobs look good you're really doing something wrong.
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0 votes
0.0
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Snarkolepsy 37 3
09/27/2009 08:19 PM
comprising solely of live instruments, "some of which they even played themselves"
Like skin flute, presumably.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pubah 47,449 11 Wait's for Chance to post
09/28/2009 08:44 AM
...
"I want it that way"...
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