Crappy Consumer Reports: Cereal Sog Test
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  46,705  12
09/11/2009 12:56 AM 7189 views
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We might splurge with the occasional bacon and eggs, leftover pizza, or fistful of chocolate donettes, but cereal makes up 95% of American breakfasts. The only problem with cereal is that you have to wolf it down in 90 seconds, or it starts turning to mush. That's why I'm putting the most popular breakfast cereals through my exhaustive Cereal Sog Test. You'll never waste hard-earned money on short-lived cereal again.
I scoured my local grocery store for test subjects, and quickly realized: A) This was going to be expensive, and B) I was going to have a lot of crappy cereal left over at my house. Then I found my solution, in the form of the Kellogg's multi-pack!
Now that I had my resources, it was time to taste test under normal conditions to set a baseline.
THE RAW TEST
In my first taste test, I would eat the cereals right outta the box, with no milk chaser.
Test Cereal #1: Corn Pops
Pops right out of the box are squeaky, like a Styrofoam packing peanut. In fact, I'll bet you could substitute Pops in a pinch if you had to ship something. The taste is sweet, and not overly offensive. Pops are notorious sog-outs in my experience, though. I think they only have a chance if their waxy coating turns out to be waterproof.
Taste: 5/10
Crunch: 2/10
Test Cereal #2: Raisin Bran
Raisin Bran flakes are disturbingly not crunchy, even when dry. They wither under the suggestion of chewing, and the raisins are covered in some sort of sugar that makes them cloyingly sweet. I'm not sure how this is supposed to be a healthy option, because it is obviously packing some high fructose corn syrup in a big way. But who couldn't trust that big smiling sun?
"Show me on the doll where he scooped you."
Taste: 7/10
Crunch: 4/10
Test Cereal #3: Froot Loops
As a kid, this was one of my sister's favorite cereals, so we always had two or three boxes in the cabinet, each containing half a bowl's worth of stale Technicolor Cheerios. Froot Loops claim to have different flavors for each color, but they all taste like sweetness times 11 (which I am claiming as my new nickname). They can't even lie with a straight face about fruit being involved, hence the suspicious spelling of "froot."
Taste: 3/10
Crunch: 3/10
Test Cereal #4: Apple Jacks
What the hell? Do these technically qualify as a different cereal from Froot Loops? I'm pretty sure you could throw them in the box, and no one would notice. No actual apples were harmed in the making of this cereal, but several bottles of corn syrup were decimated. I don't have high hopes for these guys.
Taste: 3/10
Crunch: 3/10
Test Cereal #5: Rice Krispies
Rice Krispies are one of my favorites, despite having zero nutritional value. I'm pretty sure they're an optical illusion that makes air seem to crunch. If you so much as mention milk around these guys, they turn to mush. Still, I eat 'em.
Taste: 9/10
Crunch: 4/10
Test Cereal #6: Frosted Mini Wheats
Frosted Mini Wheats hold the distinction of actually being painful to eat dry -- when you bite into one, you end up with wheat shrapnel stuck in your gums. Will a solid dousing in milk be just enough to mellow them out?
Taste: 7/10
Crunch: 8/10
Frosted Mini Wheats started as the early favorite for least likely to sog out, but I had to put all my contestants to the test. I couldn't just pour a bowl of cereal and let it sit for two minutes, though. I had to factor in every possible distraction that might keep you from enjoying your sugary breakfast: phone calls, reading, bathroom break, shower, TV, work, lunch, dinner, and sleep.
By my calculations, the only proper way to test cereal crunchitude was to let the bowl sit full of milk for 24 hours. Stay tuned for the stomach-churning results.
Next: The Stomach-Churning Results!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
13 votes
3.4
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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TomServo 3,742  5
09/11/2009 03:19 AM
How can anyone prefer the taste of raw rice crispies to fruit loops.... You sir, are sick.
They have discontinued fruit loops here and I miss them.... Terribly.
(p.s my money is on the fruit loops on this one... I happen to know they lose their outer crunch but inside they stay nice and crunchy)
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Trickster 171 1
09/11/2009 04:21 AM
In England we don't have Apple Jacks or Fruit Loops. I feel so disadvantaged!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,148 4 weeps for Trickster and waves at the Cocoa Puffs
09/11/2009 08:37 AM
Do any of my fellow marijuana enthusiasts remember Sprinkle Spangles or Oh's?
My bet's on Frosted Mini-Wheats, but you do have an odd palette for loving plain Rice Krispies that much. Mini-Wheats are still awesome when soggy. Honeycomb would have sucked to the point of not even being able to be registered on the crunchiness factor.
Where's the ultimate gum slicer Cap'n Crunch (with Crunch Berries of course) in a soggy cereal test. You actually have to let those sit a while so you don't mutilate the inside of your mouth.
Hey Trickster, do ya'll have Cookie Crisps, Count Chocula, Trix, or Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles over there?
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0 votes
0.0
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Gonzo 18,596 14
09/11/2009 10:17 AM
So... What's the deal? You consult The General, but not the Cap'N?
I mean, Cap's got it all over these lame grain piece-lets in both mouth-shredding crispiness, and perfect yummyness when sogged-out.
And, he's excellent at samwiches.
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.2
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cycoivan 11,113 9
09/11/2009 10:23 AM
I second the Captain Crunch. That stuff hurts. I would also add Honey Bunches of Oats, the flakes get kind of soggy but the "Bunches" will still cut your mouth even with milk.
I'm just waiting for Kellogg's to come out with Concret-o's. The ad line would be "Well you asked for cereal that stays crunchy in milk. Here ya go bitches."
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0 votes
0.0
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Gonzo 18,596 14
09/11/2009 10:27 AM
Or Krusty-O's, with the Jagged-Metal-Krusty-O(tm) as a prize hidden in the box.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,148 4 clears throat loudly in vain attempt for attention.
09/11/2009 10:31 AM
cycoivan
09/11/2009 10:23 AM
I second the Captain Crunch.
Technically you'd be thirding the Cap'n.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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cycoivan 11,113 9
09/11/2009 10:34 AM
If Captain Crunch were allowed, in the interest of fairness, I'd say it has to be Peanut Butter Capt Crunch. as regular (with or without Crunch Berries) would obviously win and PBCC, when soggy, is like eating peanut butter which is also cool.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.0
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cycoivan 11,113 9
09/11/2009 10:37 AM
@Alarm Clock - I hate it when my A.D.D turns seconds to thirds. CURSE YOU A.D.D!!!!! Oooooh what's that? It's shiny!
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Alarm Clock the Chubby Robot 6,148 4
09/11/2009 10:41 AM
If you pour milk directly into a box of Cap'n Crunch, the box and bag will deteriorate before the cereal does.
Oreo O's are a real bitch too. I believe they're made with diamond crystals instead of sugar.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Asshats are falling from the trees! 3,205 6
09/11/2009 10:44 PM
WHen I was a kid in the 80's there was a Cap'n Crunch style cereal called Halfsies. Those mother-Frosters NEVER lost their crunch. They disappeared by 1990... (Though an unopened box could probably kill someone about now.)
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Crash Test Dummy 3,636 7
09/11/2009 10:55 PM
Weetabix... It has the looks, smell and taste of a square of hay, wether dry or soggy. These Frosters are so tough when dry that you actually have to pour some hot water on them to soften them up a little before you pour milk on them...
Otherwise, the milk just goes right through the intertwined strands of hay, and you end up with the bottom side that's mildly chewy and the top side that's... hay.
I'm sure a Brillo pad would be kinder to the interior of your mouth.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Mielke 1,456 4
09/12/2009 06:32 PM
Did anybody's mother care only for economy and not for taste,crunch or quality......She always got the "Puffed Wheat" the one that came in a bag the size of body bag for 3 dollars.
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0 votes
0.0
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Professor Fucksock 1,113 3
09/12/2009 07:16 PM
Crash Test Dummy, do you not mean Shredded Wheat? In my experience Weetabix go soft almost instantly when milk is added and what you described sounded suspiciously like shredded wheat..
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.6
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Spicey McHaggis 106,091 17
09/12/2009 07:35 PM
We've replaced Randall's General Mills multi-pack with a variety of Kellogg's cereals. Let's see if he notices.
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0 votes
0.0
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Animaux 1 1
09/13/2009 03:45 PM
Rice Krispies are one of my favorites too!
animaux
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0 votes
0.0
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mandellia 38 3
09/14/2009 04:51 AM
squeaky, like a Styrofoam packing peanut gorgeous.
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0 votes
0.0
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Jeeni 17,550 23
09/14/2009 11:12 AM
Love the article, Randall! 24 hour test, eh? Hope you keep that in the fridge overnight, 'cause that's just nasty if you don't!
Yea, my mom would only buy puffed wheat, puffed rice and damn... what is the name of those huge unsweetened wheat rectangles? (Obviously not mini wheats... They look like a whole bale of hay.)
Well, whatever they were, all the cereal my mom used to buy was "healthy" and cheap. We kids would pour about a half cup of sugar on our bowl to try and make them somewhat edible. Unfortunately, the sugar would sink to the bottom of the bowl, while the cereal, clearly polystyrene based, would float.
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0 votes
0.0
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Warudor 48 3
09/15/2009 06:00 AM
I'm sorry but Fruit Loops taste like someone took a piece of cardboard and Shakespeare on it and then tried to feed it to me.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Gonzo 18,596 14
09/15/2009 06:35 AM
All I know is that hafter exhaustive research, I STILL can not find the taxonomy of the "Crunch Berry".
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0 votes
0.0
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Rusty Shakelford 24 3
09/21/2009 06:08 PM
How could you possibly give rice crispies 9/10 for flavor? Eating those dry sounds like one of the most godawful "real" breakfasts imaginable.
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0 votes
0.0
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RustyNail 13 2
09/21/2009 09:19 PM
I noticed the Raisin Bran tend to have a weird reaction to milk.
The flakes get mooshy and the raisins get as hard as a fat kid watching cake porn.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bean 4,667 15
09/22/2009 02:44 PM
I remember a strange cereal called O.J.'s. They had commercials about rounding up the oranges at the O.J. corral. It was a Kix-like cereal but orange flavored. It was odd in that when I ate them I liked them, but thinking back, they tasted kinda strange.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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TomServo 3,742 5
09/23/2009 03:21 AM
Okay I don't know why you find it necessary to blatantly attack fruit loops like this. You are dead inside.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Randall Cleveland 46,705 12
09/24/2009 08:10 PM
But they're not fruit loops. They're Froot Loops.
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